I’ve been reading up about the psychology of integrating your shadow. The basic idea being that qualities in other people only upset you if you are unresolved or uncomfortable with those qualities in yourself. That you project these feelings onto others. I understand the basic premise, and have had some success with it, but I ran into some obstacles. I had a fight with a close friend. It doesn’t feel like I was wrong in terms of my perceptions of her behavior, but on the other hand I have to consider the possibility that I am merely projecting. How do I objectively sort this out and resolve the situation, especially within the model of shadow projection psychology?
Doesn’t work for me at all.
I try to be aware enough not to offend people in public places with behaviour that would offend me, as in being too loud etc.
But if people are too loud, ignorant, offensive etc. then I do not like it.
Sounds like a gimmick, "Lets sell a book " system to me, total Bull Shit .
Don’t even bother with this pseudo psychological tripe.
All the while you’re trying to improve yourself with this rubbish, you’re not actually improving yourself, just wasting time.
It doesn’t really matter if you are ‘right’ about her behaviour. It’s a way for you to explore your own psyche.
Leaving the Shadow bullshit out of it. If it feels like it is coming from your core then its you. If it feels foreign to you, as in “where did that come from” then its projection that is the simple explanation.
You cannot randomly just project your issues on to someone else unless they somehow either trigger an unresolved issue and/or remind you of somebody you have had difficult interactions with in the past and that triggers you. I know someone who reminds me of my nasty grandmother. even though I have resolved those issues I can feel a pull every now and again when she is around.
Google projection identification and transference…this stuff has been around a very long time.
Also “condensation” and “displacement” for good measure.
Take the emotion out of it. Just list the pros and cons of the particular behavior and prove to yourself that it is either good or bad. If you’re worried you can’t even do that objectively, ask other people to look over your list and help you.
Take the emotion out of the interaction with your friend. Don’t think in terms of betrayal or offense. Think in terms of what behavior by you would be the most beneficial to both of you. Based on what you know of your friend, weigh the pros and cons of any behavior, as well as the relative values of each. Pick the one that maximizes the good.
If projection is really a problem for you, it will show up in this more rational analysis. Then look up behaviors to help you deal with this so that it doesn’t cause you problem. Make your personal psychology work for you, not against you.
At least, that’s the ideal. I’m not that good at it, either.
I’ve always found it a pretty useful lens. It doesn’t work for everything, obviously. If someone pisses you off by constantly punching people, it’s probably not because you punch everyone. But it works extremely well for those “that person is getting under my skin and I’m not entirely sure why” situations, or for those situations when a friend is just pissing you off and you can’t quite put your finger on why it’s affecting you so much.
I find it’s not because that’s something I do, but rather because it’s something I’m anxious or worried that I might do or be perceived as doing. Like, when my buddy dominates the conversation, sure, that’s objectively annoying. But when it starts to just make my skin crawl, it’s usually because I’m aware of that tendency in myself. When I see it like that, I tend to have a bit more compassion for my friends and toleration for their faults.
I don’t think I have this problem. I know that makes me sound arrogant or clueless, but it’s true. The people who drive me nuts always have personality types that are diametrically opposed to mine. They care about shit that I don’t care about. They act and say things that I don’t understand. I don’t dislike people for nebulous, mysterious reasons. There’s always something specific they do that gets on my nerves.