Helping my Nine Year Old Nephew

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m sorry if this is in the wrong section. Kindly move it if it is, and accept my humble apologies.

Well, I don’t know how to ask this, so I’ll give some background. My sister split up with her husband last spring, and she took their only son, my nephew. She lived with a friend until last fall when she moved out into an apartment on her own. It hasn’t been a nice break up, there are constant fights, and threats. The father has taken my nephew for a few weekends, but nothing consistant. He has another child from a previous relationship, and has trouble with support payments. My sister has recieved some support payments from him for day care, but nothing consistant.

The ex has recently lost his driver’s license because of unpaid child support for the previous child. My sister has gleefully spread this news around, and I’m sure my nephew has heard.

Earlier this week she asked him for money for the mini school, and when he didn’t deliver on his promise she went to his place to get some money. She used my nephew to show her where he lived. There was a messy verbal fight between my sister and the ex, and my nephew witnessed it.

Today the ex called her and threatened to take my nephew away from her, spewing off some shit about him having enough evidence about her being an unfit mother. My nephew heard some of this, or at least noticed that Daddy was making Mommy upset. My sister had a friend drop my nephew off at school this morning. EVerything has calmed down now, but I’m concerned about my nephew

My relationship with him is pretty good. When I watch him I never have a problem, I respect his space and wishes, and he does the same with me. I try to stress education and manner’s when I’m with him. He has taken his parents split pretty good, no bad behavior in school, but he will occasionally lash out at his Mom. He has excellent manner’s and tries at school. From talking with him he’s happy that Mom and Dad don’t fight anymore; that must have been hard on him.

So that brings me to now. I know I can reach him and I have that bond with him and I would like to be there for him, but I’m terrible at it. Last night when he got here he came bounding up to my room to see me, but I didn’t know how to help him with what he seen the other night. I mentioned that it must have been hard for him to see, and I all I got was an agreement. I don’t wnat to pry though, but I want to be there for him to help him through this, but I don’t know how.

That’s where I’m asking for your help. Please give me some suggestions on how I can help him. I don’t want to pry into his life, but I want to be able to reassure him. He’s not going to seem upset, but I’m sure some thoughts must be going through his head. Also he must be hearing a lot of negative things about Daddy, who he likely idolizes. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks for your time

2

well, i’m neither a parent nor a pyschiatrist (though i’ve been known to play one in the parlor). but as a former child of divorce, i’ll give you my thoughts.

sounds like your instincts are on-track so far. an explicit offer of an ear to listen is a Good Thing, if and when he feels the need to talk about his situation. obviously Mom and Dad are going hammer-and-tongs on their own issues. the probabilities of his feelings and thoughts getting shunted aside for the time being is pretty high.

positive suggestions:

  • if the issue of the separation/divorce comes up between you and your nephew, find a way to work into the conversation that none of this is his fault. that seems to be a consistent burden that many kids silently carry with them during family troubles–somehow, someway, THEY must be to blame for The Bad Things. so a little explanation about how sometimes people find out that they just can’t live together any more, and It’s Not Something You Did, could possibly help ease that fear a tad.

  • if possible, try and talk to Sis at a time when she’s not hyperventilating about her to-be-ex, and gently suggest that it’s probably hurtful to her son to be exposed all the time to the down-and-dirty segments of their disagreements. kids can’t help getting upset when Mom and Dad are obviously at war with each other. it might make her feel good for the moment to “expose” the kid’s dad as being a mean, rotten excuse for human, but the long-run fallout isn’t good for anybody. kids ought to be treated as people, not pawns.

  • when Nephew comes to visit, an atmosphere of stability and order is also a Good Thing. he’s got enough upheavals going on at home. knowing what the rules of your house are, that there ARE rules, and that they will be consistently enforced, should cut down on some of the chaos he perforce is living through.

  • honesty is the best policy. if he asks you straight out things like “Are Mommy and Daddy going to get divorced?” or “Will I ever see (whichever parent is non-custodial) again?”, don’t lie or overly sugarcoat things. “I don’t know” is a perfectly valid answer. “Everything will turn out ok” is a major cop-out. your version of what will be “ok”, as a mature adult, isn’t likely to match a kid’s thoughts on “ok” (which could well run a lot closer to “happily ever after”). and try not to make promises that are nebulous or problematic. his world is going through a major upheaval; he doesn’t need any additional downers like broken promises from people he trusts.

eh. my $.02, anyway.

3

Invite him someplace where it would be just the two of you, like go camping for a weekend. If he wants to talk, he will.

4

As a parent of a nine year old, I would entirely agree with what lachesis said. Consistency and reliability is about as perfect as it can get for a healthy kid–and even though your sister and her ex may not be in a place where they’re thinking about the impact their behavior is having on their kid, your suport and response to him can make a big difference.

Nine year old boys may not be out there with expressing their feelings (mine isn’t), but every now and then, something may pop out at the most weird of moments. The best thing you can do is listen and not make promises you can’t keep.

Although if it were my sister, I’d talk to her (“Will you stop for a moment and take a look at Nephew when you talk about his father like this? You may be pissed at his father, but do you want your kid to think you hate his father, and may hate him???”) but I doubt it would do much good. Messy divorces, especially when the two have so much anger and resentment and bitterness that even the wellbeing of their kid doesn’t seem to matter, seldom are willing to change their own behavior. (Usually, they justify it. “Well HE did this, so what was I supposed to do? Ignore it and let him think he got away with it?”)

5

Yeah, what they said, times two. Make yourself available to him, and he will appreciate having another adult to listen to. Sometimes making an observation and then asking him what he thinks will open him up. Above all, tell him none of this is his fault, and you’re sorry he is being put in the middle of this. And then go collar your sister and ask her to leave Nephew out of her fight with the ex. Nephew should not be dragged around for show, or be asked to provide info on the other parent. He is an innocent child deserving of respect and dignity, not a pawn in an adult war.

Vlad/Igor

6

Everyone covered your nephew pretty well. I also just wanted to add, your sister can lose custody for verbally bashing her ex and putting her son in the middle of things. Judges do not look kindly on that stuff. INAL, but my step-son’s mom almost lost custody for doing that, the judge gave her a warning and told her to knock it off or he was changing custody to DH. She hasn’t done it since (that we know of anyway).

7

Thanks for the replies. They echo what I have heard before. I think the stability is what he finds appealing over here, we are all pretty much set in our habits. That’s not to say his home life is bad, but it can be tough for a single mother. I will have to work on my honesty. I try to be honest, but I do think I let a “It’s Okay” slip out now and then.

As for my sister, a number of you have strongly brought that up, so I got her to read this thread. I hope she is realising that there is an important little boy in her life who doesn’t need to be involved in this situation from her perspective, but from his own.

Thank you all for the great suggestions.

8

I don’t know how often you see him, butone thing that might be a good idea is if his visits–or at least his contact with you–became consitient and predictable: if you started the tradtion, without making a big deal about it, that he comes over every Thrusday night, or every other Sunday afternoon, or that you always call him on Tuesdays. It doesn’t have to be super intensive “entertain the child” time: what he may really want to do is hang out and do his homework or watch TV or read in a place that isn’t emotionally loaded. However, something like this takes a really serious committment from you, becuase once the pattern is established, it would be painful if it were often disrupted.

It seems to me that if the rest of his life is in upheval the knowledge that there is a predictable time in which he will do predictable, enjoyable things would be something to hold on to, even if he never really thinks it out that way.

As far as having some sort of “big talk” about “things”: you don’t get there with leading questions, in my experience. You get there by providing time and space where conversations can happen, and sometimes they happen all at once and sometimes they are dribbled out one little exchange at a time over weeks of day-to-day talk.

9

You might consider finding some sports or hobbies that you can do together. Model building, soccer, board games, books - - anything. It will give the two of you something to look forward to doing together and might reduce the pressure you feel to help him emotionally. Quality time doing fun stuff with someone who loves him unconditionally is going to be the best thing you can provide for him.

10

I agree that providing a safe space where he’s free to talk is the way to go, asking him leading questions about mushy feelings can be just another form of tension. Getting a few hours free where he’s not under a microscope with everyone fighting about him, over $$ for him, how he’s Taking It, and all the other attendant divorce crap is a blessing. Just giving him downtime to hang out and be a normal kid is fabulous, and like all normal kids he’ll probably bust in on a major angsty emotionfest rant when you least expect it.

I never bad mouthed my ex, or allowed family to do so, for the entirely selfish reason that doing so would reflect badly on me. I chose this person, at one time anyway, so if he’s a total tool what’s that say about me? Additionally, remind Sis that every time she calls Dad a jerk, she’s sending the message to her son that he’s 50% jerk by birth, not a real positive message to be continually beating into his poor head.

It sounds like your nephew is a very lucky young man to have someone like you in his life, well done!