I think all 3 and myself will have to join forces for this one, ‘the Axe’ should be able to handle the prototypical bad aim soldiers and the rest of us will make the “Offer”.
gabriela better come along to clean-up after ‘the Axe’. It should advance her training at the same time. Maybe we could get her one of those 1920 style Ray guns to use.
Hey Boss, do you want a final solution or just some “Persuasive Argument” with Tea and Cake?
Jim
Good thinking on tha “first thing”. Regarding the, uh, “second thing”, call the Baker. Then call and tell the Clam where to send the flowers. Don’t forget to “send” my “condolences”. And, uh, pls update me Re. Status. Thx /v
Dear Mr Smith,
I am pleased to sat that your former HR staffers are now only lithified fragments on the bottom of the South China Sea: lithified fragments, some of which still bear expressions of terror moulded permanently into their limestone contours.
I have cleaned and adjusted the computers in the HR office. You would not believe the amount of viruses and spyware I found on them. Keyloggers, desktop capture daemons, packet sniffers… SPECTRE, KAOS, SMERSH, CSIS, and the whole frickin’ CIA/NSA/DIA complex could be reading what they were doing. After I cleaned all that crap out of the computers, their official applications ran an average of five times faster.
I know that using Bill’s products shows solidarity with the cause and all, but do we have to sacrifice operational efficiency to the cause as well? You know as well as I that results are what matters. All else can be spun by Marketing.
Therefore, the HR systems have been rebuilt using a central content-management system, database, and application server on security-hardened Linux. No unsupervised user additions are allowed. Instructions and keys to the systems’ data-monitoring utilities are provided in the attachment below.
<attachment - 45 megabytes>
You threw away lithified humans?! Did you also dump an original Tucker becuase you assumed that since the company folded, no one would want one? Did you toss some bottles of Chateau Lefit, thinking that everybody wants nice, fresh wine?
Have you heard of CarnegieMelon university? Do you know that the Carnegies and the Melons remain stunningly wealthy? Obviously, you do not know that they, and other people of their financial status and social circle, highly prize lithified humans as works of art. A well posed specimen, with the right color of stone and a proper finish can be sold for more than an Astin Martin, Bentley, or Rolls Royce.
Lithified humans also exhibit unique properties found in no other material. Physicists, robotics researchers, structural engineers, and DARPA bemoan the fact that socialites have driven up the price on this rare material simply to use it as decoration. Those lithified humans who are not aesthetically pleasing can still be sold to scientists at a tidy sum.
By smashing the specimens in question you have lost any chance of selling them as objects de art. The force of smashing them has also permanently altered the internal stresses and unalterably warped the microcrystaline lattices. The temperature and pressure changes encountered while sinking to the ocean floor have destroyed almost all other value in the material. The exposure to saline solution filled with sediment, microscopic organisms, and countless organic chemicals has removed the last vestige of worth from the fragments.
What next Sunspace do you plan to clean up the Mona Lisa with a pressurized stream of mineral spirits? Planning on sanding the stealth fighter down to the primer because you think you can give it a cooler paint job?
Mouse Maven, Nava Now do you see what comes from being an underling? What crimes against science are the other henchman committing even now? Work for yourself. Oversee the lab yourself. Ensure quest for knowledge is never impeded by such mistakes as these.
DocCathode: Doc if you stop trying to recruit away from us, I would like to discuss the concept of retaining you as an independent contractor and supplier of High Tech Gadgets. I understand you are the best in the business. This could be a win-win. We can work together and help fund your own Mad science endeavors as you supply the special needs a great leader like Mr. Smith needs.
Winston Smith: Several updates.
Jim
And exactly how are those lithified humans going to retain their value now that the lithification process can be fast and easy? My Lith-O-Zap[sup]TM[/sup] Bulk Lithification Unit was able to handle all of Mr Smith’s HR minions in only three loads with modest power requirements. Organising the fleet of eighteen-wheelers to take the lithified remains to the docks was much more of an effort, actually.
Remember planned scarcity, DocCathode. Remember the lesson of DeBeers.
Thank you. You have reminded me why I’m evil. I simply do not care about irreplaceable artifacts, Boons to Humanity, or any other such distractions. My duty to my Evil Employer and to World Evil in general takes precedence.
If my employer so orders, and if there is profit in it, and if the publicity fits our Evil Plans, you’ll be among the first to know.
Ah. I see now. All your protestations and defenses are really just a smokescreen for setting up on your own. Heretical splittist! Where is your loyalty to World Evil? Where is your loyalty to our employer? When Mr Smith’s trusted minions arrive to take their justified revenge, you will learn the cost of independantism.
First, my work is for the betterment of all humanity. The public does not understand this, they accuse me of tampering with things man was not meant to know, etc. But, my goal is to elevate every man, woman, and child, not to rule over them.
Second, while I am a premier EtherPsychologist, and the leading expert on the NonCorporealConsciousnessField, there are many Scientists whose skill in electronics, metalurgy, robotics, cybernetics, and chemistry far exceed my own.
Ah, I was just buttering you up to close the deal. Besides I think we have kept you talking long enough to let Sunspace figure out where you are located.
Sunspace please take care of this however you see fit and report back to Mr. Smith.
Jim
Sir, We have an emergency, I have just intercepted through my diligence a top secret communication from one **Revenant Threshold **. He is Holding out for a Hero - or three.
This will require your full powers as an evil Genius I fear.
Jim
Done.
:: BZZZOWNNTT ::
Bwa ha ha ha…
Memo to Winston Smith
CC Sunspace
Please be advised of my occasional employers desire to keep tabs on our citizens extra curricular activities and how your govt would like to help. The invasive and passive data mining, as mentioned above is for your protection ,from unscrupulous individuals who would make the world safe for peace love and happiness.
On a side note to Sunspace , you are clearly not educated in the Inteligence sector, but more in the technical side of things , you would do well to remember that once you determine that you have an outbound conduit or twenty , you dont shut it down , you feed it, now instead of letting certain alphabet soup agencies know what you want them to know, you have created a situation where next generation surveillance capabilities will be required.
Now my pager is going off again
Declan
Aww, come on!
The man is looking for evil henchpersons, not diabolical!
You’re obviously overqualified.
:dubious:
Good catch, Jim. Hopefully, we’ve “neutralized” this “threat”. We’ll take it up in the staff meeting (unless circumstances dictate other actions). And Sunspace needs to ride the pine for a few days (must be a brain fever or something).
Dear Mr Smith,
Please be advised that I have started to insinuate myself as an “escapee” among the deluded minions of the Hero or Three organisation. They have already taken the bait. Disinformation commences. See attachment for details.
<attachment - 3 megabytes>
Staff meeting? Can’t we just teleconference it? Enforcing your will is no easy business, sir, and I pride myself on doing the best job possible. Time spent in these staff meeting circle-jerks is time I am not torturing heroes, eliminating substandard employees, “convincing” lesser villains of the wisdom of becoming your subordinate, or picking up your dry cleaning. Frankly, Mr. Smith, most staff meetings here are equal parts ass-kissing and backstabbing. As your enforcer and VP, I strongly recommend you opt for more of a top-down leadership strategy.
Dear Declan,
Please be advised that the required disinformation capabilities would have renderd the computers unusable, as they were not, shall we say, at the “leading edge”. In addition, the characteristic response of anyone in such a situation is to eradicate spyware, not coddle it. If I had not rebuilt the systems, that would have been suspicious and out of the ordinary. You wouldn’t happen to have an… “interest”… in such spyware, would you?
CC: Mr Smith
Indeed. As usual, you insolence is refreshing, if not misdirected. You know I’m not one to micromanage, but let me remind you: a clock doesn’t know what time it is. Similarly, without the gentle guidence of an evil genius such as myself, you’d certainly devolve into lawyers, lobbyists, or talk-show hosts. Remember: I see the “big picture”. That’s my job. You think you’d pitch your henching better at Microsoft? The Democratic Party? Good luck. It’d be your funeral. You want to be a part of something BIG? Exactly. That’s why you’re here.
Plus, the staff meetings have always been optional. You (of all people) should know this. I’m starting to think you’ve got too much “free time” on your “hands”.
E M E R G E N C Y[COLOR=White]…B U L L E N T I N [/COLOR]
Several of the operatives of Winston Smith Enterprises are under attack.
Please send help my secret lair has gone to emergency shut down and while I should be able to hold out I do the exterior cleared. I fear they might discover my emergency fiber optic links.
I understand they are going after **Baker ** and **Gabriella ** and Sunspace.
Attack is of unknown origins, operatives appear to be a private militia force.
I hope **The Axe ** and others are available to help. I suspect **Revenant ** might be striking early.
Jim
Settle down, man. It’s just the smoke detector, for Crissakes. Your nerves are frayed, son. Take a quaalude and a day off. Evil can wait. Your health is more important. /v
Settle down, man. It’s just the smoke detector, for Crissakes. Your nerves are frayed, son. Take a quaalude and a day off. Evil can wait. Your health is more important. /v