Oh, thank heavens! I thought maybe I was twice-smitten! 
This is Headline News
We have early reports coming in of a bizarre workplace massacre in Miami Florida. Miami news outlets report that the entire staff of a local office of SmithCo, an import/export concern, were killed with what is described as “a professional level of brutality. Definitely not the work of an amateur,” by Miami detectives. There are unconfirmed reports that the employees’ skulls were stacked in a pyramid on the local manager’s desk. Further, the cryptic message “Are you pleased now, Mr. Smith?” is reported to have been scrawled on the ceiling in a mixture of blood, semen, and feces…not all of it human. We’ll be reporting more on this story as information becomes available.
Next up: Are you getting enough strontium in your diet?
This is Headline News
Hey, don’t get too complacent. You never know when someone might do you in. I hadn’t even been hired yet and I got killed.
What are you talking about? I met Mr. Smith. Of course, I was killed shortly thereafter, so I suppose you could say that no one meets Mr. Smith and lives to tell about it.
from Entertainment Tonight
Hollywood mourns the loss of Brandon de Brandon. de Brandon, best known for his portrayal of Smitty McEvil in a popular series of commercials for the McEvil’s Family Restaurant chain, was the victim of what Hollywood CSI characterizes as a “bizarrely brutal murder.”
cut to taped interview with Chief Detective Isadore van Poot
Yeah, they found the poor guy this morning in the Santa Monica McEvil’s. Seems some whackjob cut him into bite-sized pieces, lightly breaded him, and deep-fried him in pure vegetable shortening. The golden brown pieces were attractively arranged on a bed of mixed spring greens with bowls of dipping sauces on the side. One of them was a spicy peanut sauce, I think it’s Thai. I love that stuff…you dip the little eggrolls in it…What? Anyway, there was a pitcher of frozen McEvilitas ™ and a Basket O’ Beers ™ on the table too. The whackjob left a note on the back of a McEvil’s placemat. It was written in dilled mayonaise. Something about “Baker can’t do a happy hour like this.”
cut to slow motion montage of de Brandon film clips
(voiceover) de Brandon got his start in movies as a child actor. He appeared, at one time or another, in all the popular children’s shows of the 1960’s. After a period of relative obscurity, he landed the commercial role as Smitty McEvil. The Smitty McEvil commercial series is widely credited with taking the McEvil’s chain from obscurity as a chain of waterfront dives to its present highly profitable status.
*
cue flute solo of Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight
freeze on still photo of de Brandon*
Next on Entertainment Tonight, Johnny Depp: Buttock Augmentation?
Oh, I’m in ! I’ll be the pudgy fellow clad head-to-toe in flat black with a videotape camera on one shoulder and a mace slung over the other. In this manner, I can both document everybody’s shennanigans for my upcoming reality series Who’s Mommy’s Henchman??, and swing a wicked mace just in case, you know, to save face in the right place.
Cartooniverse, Rhymin’ Videographer Du Jour.
( applications being culled as we speak to chose an appropriate production assistant/sound gal. must have excellent hearing and be zoftig. )
I’ll apply. That is, if I can do it parttime, when I finish my shift at SmithCo.
Reality TV show producer, you are truly evil, maybe too evil, but I prefer to let Mr. Smith decide these things.
Ponder Stibbons: I think we need to straighten out our application system. Too much killing going on of potentially useful henchmen. Now I know what the Ecto-Suits were for. Ponder what was your specialty? We may be able to regenerate you if you are only “mostly dead”.
Call out to all dead, you may re-submit your resumes if you have learn the proper respect for Mr. Smith. After all look at Happy Clam, now one of the most valued and trusted employees of Smith Inc.
Why, of course you can !!!
From: Baker
To: Mr. Smith
Mr. Smith, I’m not sure what your policy is on personal revenge taking, by a member of Smith Enterprises.
But I am deeply offended at the implied insult to my culinary skills, as mentioned above. HOW DARE THEY? Implying that some lousy fast food meals are better than someone who has had both Cordon Bleu and C.I.A.* training.
Now I’m not sure if McEvil’s is part of your empire or not. But if it is indeed separate from Smith Enterprises I’d like to apply for a short sabbatical, to investigate who has cast a slur on me, and possibly do a Sweeney Todd pie while I’m at it.
I will understand if my request is not able to be granted at this time, but I would appreciate it if you would give this matter your earnest consideration. And besides, any outfit with “Evil” in their name really should be brought under your wing, should it not? I could kill two birds with one stone. Ah, kill, what a lovely sound. ahem, excuse me.
I remain, sir, your most obedient henchperson
Baker
Y’know, this Scumpup thing is costing us little on payments to widows and orphans, and its really getting us some good prime-time publicity. Plus, of course, we can just re-use those breaded de Brandon chunks. You think anyone’s going to taste the difference?
Good moring, Henchpersons. I see a lot of new faces, I trust your “traning” is "satisfactory. Please do take advantage of of Complete Brainwashing Program, which is still optional. We’ve had great success with the Program, and we’ll likely make it mandatory for new hires. Nonetheless, it “behooves” you to “submit” to what we like to call, uh… Well, we call it Brainwashing. What can I say, I’m a traditionalist at heart.
I’d also like to remind you all that sign-up sheets for the Evil Softball league are in the kitchens on every floor. The schedule will be posted next week, and per custom the winner of each game will slaughter the losing team, after harvesting key players/positions, organs, etc.
I’d also like to comment on the resurgence in infighting, duplicity, and extracaricular slaughter: I am pleased. Also, many of you have commented on the actions of a certain well-known Smith Enterprises exec who has “gone rogue”. You needn’t worry. It is all part of the larger plan.
Last (but certainly not least!) I noticed the East Fountain has been filled with blood (again). Nicely done!
Mr. Smith, is there any response to my request yet?
Scurilious, scum-sucking snakes! Seeping, septic, sores on the scrotum of society! I strike, smite, slam, and smash all that is Smith! See me? Seek me? Sanction me? Suck me! So long, suckers!
S
Mr Smith! Seems it Sufficient that I should Smite Certain Scalawags with my Supersonic Cyberbees?
- S
Indeed. Please feel free to go forth and crush my enemies as you see fit. And strart thinking about what we’ll serve at the company picnic - it seems a long way off, but really, it’s right around the corner. Thx /v
Thank’s for starting us off even before I made the official announcement, Scumpup! Your enthusiasm in sticking to today’s theme is greatly appreciated. Yes, that’s right, today is SMITH DAY, a wondrous celebration of that glorious letter that enables us to say “Smith” and also a celebration, by extension, of all that is glorious about Winston Smith himself! Y’know, maybe this should be a regular occasion… Anyway, I want to see everyone using the letter “S” as often as possible to show your devotion to the company. You wouldn’t want to be thought… disloyal, would you?
Sycophantically symbolize your singleminded celebration of Mr. Smith’s splendiferousnous! Stake your soul to the ship of state that Smith steers! Sequentially styilize your epistles with the single most specially splendid sign (or cipher, should you select a secondary signifier) in the english syllabery- its the most solemn and suitable system of displaying your steadfastness, even submission to the singular Mr. Smith!
Psssssst! Thessssssaurus.com is your consort and supporter in this “s”-centred scheme
She Strangles upon the Slitted Sheets; upon the Slitted Sheets She Strangles.
Ah – sheer poetry!
Indeed. Please feel free to go forth and crush my enemies as you see fit. And strart thinking about what we’ll serve at the company picnic - it seems a long way off, but really, it’s right around the corner. Thx /v
It’s Simply stupendous we’re celebrating the sensational sunrise-to-sunset of the Spectacular Smith.
So with sizeable satisfaction I state Samoa, Senegal, Serbia, Singapore, Slovakia, Somalia, Swaziland & Syria’s
Secret stash salaries are Smith’s
Sincerely,
Jim
Spectacular!