Henchpersons Wanted. Inquire Within.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
321

I would like to apply as a…henchman, as you call it.

I am…experienced in evil, having been the cause of some small…mayhem at the tender age of 16, about which numerous documentaries and soppy Lifetime tv films about my victims have been made.

My skills and assets are as follows:

– Well practiced in the use of straight razors, arrows, pins and other sharp, pointy things.
– Vastly imaginative in my use of said sharp and pointy things. (Testimonials available upon request.)
– A thirst for knowledge about the nature of pain, and the willingness to do much…research to learn more.

I am small and innocent-looking, frequently mistaken for a child despite being…not at all a child, and can use this asset to put victims at ease before…imposing your will upon them, sir.

I have operated quite happily as a lone agent, but the spectre of my one and only failure – the one who got away, as it were – haunts me, as the cursed individual defies my efforts to locate and…remove him. I trust that if I were to render good service to you, sir, that the…network of the Smith Organization could assist me in locating the wretch, so that I might…correct my previous failure. (On my own time, of course…believe me, his screams shall be sweeter than any paycheck…)

If you are interested, I also have a son who would be interested in joining forces with your organization. He is young, a tender lad of 15, but I have trained him from birth to be my assistant. He is well-skilled in various methods of confinement and restraint, and is quite enamoured of the use and manufacture of chemical agents, which he injects into victims. (He recently created a serum that caused a young man to remove and ingest his own kidney for our amusement…and oh, we were well-amused…) I trust that the intense loyalty he has developed towards me could be transferred to the Smith Organization.

We await your response.

– Lindsay and Adrian Westervelt

322

Look in the ragout. :smiley:

323

Lindsay and Adrian Westervelt: On behalf of the boss, Welcome to Smith Inc.
I believe Torture is within the area of **Least Original User Name Ever ** who reports to the great and feared **Scumpup ** of course.

Hopefully Mr. Smith will be available shortly.

Good Luck,
Jim

324

I know, for a fact, that there are still two clones running around, because I snuck them out of the compound when I saw Chef coming done the hall. And, I saved some of the original DNA, just in case.

325

Thank you for your welcome, What Exit?. We hope we can be an…asset to the torture department, as it were…

packs dozens of weapons, sharp pointy things, vials and syringes in suitcases

Adrian? Adrian, darling? I have found us…employment…

326

Mr Smith,

I must compliment you and your Evil Marketing Department on the Gatorade Conspiracy. Now if we could only “provide a little holiday” to those who exposed it…

[off]
Thanks to Mindfield for drawing attention to this in the reverse advertising thread!
[/off]

327

Todays report: I was under attack again. Power Loss, Computer failures, mysterious Reassignments of IP’s in Printers. General Digital Mayhem. I still managed to plant the Trojan in the Vatican Finacial System.

Jim

328

Excellent. Operation Illuminati shall be our greatest victory yet!
And, uh, don’t worry about the power, I, uh, “forgot” to “pay” the "electric bill’. At least the company band, General Digital Mayhem is still playing. Kind of reminiscent of the violinists playing while the Titanic sank. :wink:

329

Excellent. Operation Illuminati shall be our greatest victory yet!
And, uh, don’t worry about the power, I, uh, “forgot” to “pay” the "electric bill’. At least the company band, General Digital Mayhem is still playing. Kind of reminiscent of the violinists playing while the Titanic sank. :wink:

330

as promised

331

Pleasure to meet you, Mister…Smith, was it?

Now that your evil plans have been fully developed, and your Evil, twisted staff has been collected, I would like to present myself.

I am an Architect, with extensive experience in lairs, dungeons, and mansions for a wide array of rulers, despots, Overlords, CEOs, and insane Megalomaniacs.

Allow me to help you plan not only your Hidden Headquarters, but your private secluded sprawling residential retreat. We can also plan your Tenant Improvements for more temporary operations. Of course, we are well versed in all the pertinent codes and governmental requirments, so we know just how to violate them in the most effective, vile ways.

We can not only provide all the facilties you need, including recreation such as kitten-kicking, the more standard installations like hidden passages, dungeons, trapdoors, and escape routes, but we also have developed highly specialized facilties such as missile launch acilities, sub mooring stations, earth-tunneling control stations, and extra-planetary facilties like moonbases and space based weapons platforms. we have created fully accessible lairs for differently-abled villains.

I would love the opportunity to develop a unified, authoriarian style for your full range of facilities. Think Albert Speer, with a high tech twist. We can work with Bondian stainless steel interiors, or with the Doc Evil underground cave aesthetic.

World Leaders won’t take you seriously until you are able to send your threats and demands from a seriously deranged built environment. Allow me to help you achiever your wildest unhinged goals.

332

**Zachlee **: Sounds good, can you supply the boss some references please. It would be nice to know what you have done and who for. I would lean towards the High Tech villainy theme for most of Smith Inc, but of course the Castle and Dungeon theme for the interrogation areas is a must.
Important question, how are you with Dank, We must have the proper level of dank in the dungeons or it just doesn’t work.

Jim {Encoded to Winston only: Boss he might be able to supply both a list of competitors and how to bypass their defenses. Could be a huge boon}

333

Mr. Exit, I regret that I must decline your request for references. You see, as Evil Megalomaniacs and so forth, my clientele almost always requires the utmost discretion, and as such I am unable to reveal their names. I am sure you, and most importantly, Mr. Smith, understand. Of course, it goes without saying that my services for SmithCo would also be performed under the strictest of confidence.

However, to serve the purposes of validation of my credentials, it may serve to let you know that I performed my first apprenticeship under Dr. H.H. Holmes, of Chicago. In addition, one of my first private commissions was the Pruitt-Igoe housing project in St. Louis. I trust you are familiar with these projects; you should note that being a public governmental project, the P-I buildings were disastrously unsuccessful, enormously over budget, and singificantly behind schedule. My only failure in that case was the lack of human loss during construction. I was young; I have progressed since.

I do agree with your estimation on the environment of dungeons. Do I detect an area of personal interest? I have developed some personal spaces that are specifically desiged in a varieties of dank mode. My mother in laws suite, for example. Of course, the existing environment we are working with provides a starting point. A dank dungeon in the Okeefenokee is readily achieved; if we are working in Texas, for example, we may have to locate it some distance underground, and augment it with mechanical systems.

But the technical aspects are one thing. I presume there are elements of SmithCo with access to high tech engineering we may draw upon when needed. But I, sir, am an Artist. I thrive on the Aesthetics of Evil. There are many ways to create psycho-reactive envrionments in service to that Voodoo That You Do. For instance, Mr. Smith’s office may be subtly distorted in scale to emphasize and exaggerate his physical stature, thereby cowing visitors.

I am especially interested in developing thoroughly Evil environments that to the untrained eye, appear Festive, but are, in reality, dedicated to Human Misery. The Wisconsin Dells for example.

I look forward to working with your esteemed and despised organization. Would you like me to submit a proposal for a specific project, or would you prefer me to work on retainer?

334

Hey, Smith!

I tend to be the annoying hero type, but I do occasionally play evil on TV. Does that count?

My skills including drawing (should you need inspirational posters and the like), writing (I can assist Happy Clam in the propaganda department), and piano playing (easily transferrable to the Organ of Doom, should you ever requisition one).

I also speak Chinese; while I’m sure you already corner a large portion of the communists in the People’s Republic, I don’t recommend that you rely solely on Babelfish to get your message across. As important as being Evil is, accuracy is also important.

I do have one slight failing, and that is I tend to be a bit snarky. In fact, one of my recurring nightmares is that I’m the minion that gets liquidated for pointing out the obvious–er, I mean, questioning your superior will. I hope that wouldn’t be too much of a problem for you.

I don’t require much in terms of salary, just simple room, board, internet access, and the occasional video game would be good.

335

As Mr. Smith’s henchperson and caterer, I want to remind Zachlee to include a professionally designed kitchen when he comes on board to design a new lair.

Besides needing to be able to feed onsite staff, orgies, and victory banquets, you’d be surprised at what a kitchen has in the way of items useful in torture. Why go high tech? Melon scoops and eyeballs were made for each other!

But in consideration of that last item, I recommend keeping two seperate stock of utensils.

336

Dear Sir,

After due consideration, I would like to apply for the position of Spineless Toadying Lackey (Senior Grade). Having worked in the corporate sector for a number of years, I believe I am well experienced in the critical business skills of Brown Nosing, Petty Sadism Towards Underlings, Finking on Colleagues, and Shirking Any Actual Work.

As a versatile employee, I will also undertake to frighten small children and household pets (not to exceed eight pounds in weight.)

Salary requirements: Minimal, but must include unaudited expense account.

Evil qualifications: Microsoft Certified Solution Developer … need I say more?

I await your reply with keen and servile intererst.

337

Dear Sir,

My skills are humble, but finely tuned and entirely necessary to your Evil Plot, whatever that may be.

I assure you that when it comes to:

[ul][li]responding to the “General Alert” alarm when the Good Guy gets loose in your Base,[/li][li]running haplessly into a room to confront him;[/li][li]spraying said room with machine gun fire without hitting the GG or his girl; [/li][li]being shot; [/li][li]falling over a railing to my death,[/ul][/li]in all modesty I am, quite simply, without peer.

My compensation package need not be discussed since it it would be, you understand, a gross insult to my professionalism as a hapless henchman to be around to collect it.

Yours

Princhester

338

Sorry for the delay in response: I believe Mr. Smith may be on a truly top secret mission at the moment. Mr Wright, your evil quals are [Monty Burns]“Excellent”[/mb]. Welcome aboard.
Princhester: This is a new type of evil empire, I am afraid we are not looking for your skill set, but I wish you luck and it appears there will be an opening at Microsoft, they are still old school and can probably better use your talents.

Jim

339

I’d like to extend a hearty welcome to all of our newcomers, and extend my “apologies” for not “welcoming” you “sooner”. I’ve been rather indisposed plotting the overthrow of English Parliament- uh, I mean, planning a business trip. Nonetheless, we’ve got plenty of evil to dospence, whether your preference is torture, nation-toppling, or good old fashioned die-in-the-first-scene henching. Just choose your level of involvement and committment, make me the beneficiary of whatever life insurance policies you may have (if you don’t have life insurance, please get with What Exit? IMMEDIATELY) and “jump right in”.

And I mean it about that life insurance. If you don’t have it I’ll only kill you more slowly- uh, I mean, well, actually that’s exactly what I mean. BWA-HA-ha. Ahem.

340

I’ve just completed the first twenty-one hours of our new epic, honoring our leader. It’s entitled

Triumph Of The Hench.

:smiley: