Scumpup, please make an effort to practice a bit more discretion regarding your plans to kill me. It’s just not good for morale, and I really think it sends the wrong message to our overseas offices if it looks like things here in the Home Office are in disarray. Otherwise, you’re doing a bang-up job.
Kythereia, sorry, but I really can’t spare the resources to make the Ritual Sacrifice position perm/full-time. There just isn’t enough demand. Send some business our way, and I’ll see what I can do. But otherwise…
Love Rhombus, this puppy… does it have bees in it’s mouth? And when it barks it shoots bees? If so, I find your proposal acceptable.
Ponder Stibbons, Shooting the Moon is only one possible career path, here. As a Henchman-at-Large, the possibilities are virtually endless, limited only by your imagination, and (of course) your ability to stay in my good graces. Which isn’t easy.
LiveOnAPlane: Nevada?NEVADA?!? Your insolence is…
Refreshing. We’ll see. You want Nevada, you’ve got to earn it, buster.
butler1850, these MP3s, do you harvest the users’ collections to enhance your own, before you delete them? I’m just trying to guage how evil you actually are.
Voyager, I am very interested in your proposal. I’ll send someone right over to kill you… er-uh, I mean, uh, fill out whatever paperwork you require. Sit tight!
Omegaman, what? Do you think I’m some kind of amature? OK, Cheney is pulling Bush’s strings. Everyone knows this. But who the hell do you think is pulling Cheney’s? :rolleyes:
Regallag_The_Axe, nicely done. Two birds with one stone. Commendable. I’d like you to “take care” of a certain “bi-valve” that I find “troublesome”. And it appears there is a family of birds nesting in my soffit. Any advise? I mean, under normal circumstances I’d never bring this to you, but we’ve all got to be flexible. You know? Thanks /v
So you did eat the cookies, though, didn’t you? Heh, heh, heh. What makes you think it was poison, or a virus? Heh, heh, heh. Excuse me while I go talk to Mr. Smith.
That’s no small task you’re volunteering for, Gabriela.
Anastasaeon, you’ll do fine, but you’ll need bigger boots, if you catch my drift.
garygnu: the list, eh? I didn’t think we’d have to resort to outsourcing operations to freelancers, but I suppose provided you “take care” of the “author” we’ll be “fine”. No GO DO IT!
Jim, excellent work with the anti-matter bomb. I’d like to warn you off Happy Clam’s fictional characters as sources of enlightenment. Dr. Doom? Tesla? Indiana Jones? Edison? All fiction, Jim. All fiction.
By the way, nice work on the Iranian thing. Now listen: I’m not going to micromanage you, but I want to make sure you’ve got everything you need to succeed here. That being said, don’t spend a lot of time in the Mid-East. I’ve sort of got that covered, if you catch my drift.
MsRobyn, welcome aboard. Can I presume your first mission will be to recruit certain “influences” in your “household” whom might have certain “agendas” contrary to our own nefarious schemes? Yes? Good, then. Please keep me updated Re. your progress. Thx /v
MixieArmadillo, your credentials are impeccable. So many henchfolks these days forget the fundamentals like pestilence. I think you’ll be a breath of fresh air around here. But first, I’ll need dogs. Lots of them. Preferably with bees in their mouths. And when they bark, they should shoot bees. Got it? Good.
Love Rhombus, excellent, excellent. Adaptation. That’s what I like to see here! Creativity! Thinking outside the box! Yes. Mixie may need bee outfits, as well.
Mr. Smith? You said you were giving me a tentative yes, but I’d have to give up accounting. I’m in the midst of screwing up the credit record of a certain televangelist, can I finish that first?
And here’s the handset that will let you know at all times where **DocCathode ** is. He worried so much about being poisoned, and never once thought that a nano-technology tracker might be attaching itself in his gut!
Minister of Propaganda? Moi? Oh, this is so unexpected, I don’t know who to thank!
Pulls out list
May I say, Winston Smith, sir, that I am truly overjoyed with this offer! I shal tear up that snooty letter to The Orbital Laser immediatly and replace it with one praising your organisation and person in lavish terms. I shall, of course, resign my academic postings at once. Study from afar is all well and good, but to actually by in amongst the doings of my chosen field of study, to be justifying and condoning the actions of a bloody warmongering tyrant, to be another Goebbels, an Iziz, a Rove- why, mere words cannot describe the feeling. So might Lucas have felt when he unearthed the wreckage of the first Sattelite-Sized Turbolaser Weapons Platform!*
Now, as to my duties. Let us first address your recent role in the murder of one Ronald McDonald, founder and CEO of McDonalds. First-degree homicide doesn’t play so well with the public these days, so I’d prefer to present it thus: Mr. Winston Smith, the only one willing to take a positive role in the obesity crisis facing Amercia today! If you then assume control of his organisation, I’m sure I can produce figures showing a substantial reduction in fat levels of the food (as I understand it, human meat is quite lean). That should garner enough positive publicity to offset the conquest of at least three sovereign nations, or as many as seven rogue states and/or tyrants!
Next, Mr. Smith, I must know: Will you give interviews?
*I quite understand your desire to shroud the reality of these students of malgeniusology, and their many subjects, in a veil of misdirection. As the old saying has it, the greatest trick the devil pulled was, indeed, conviding the world he doesn’t exist.
It’s all about evil foreshadowing, Jim. That’s exactly what makes me an evil genius. Ah, the Japanese, eh? Very innovative. Very innovative. Please say こんにちは to Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi for me, will you?
Baker, listen, I’ve got nothing against the principles of accounting, per se, but here’s the rub. As many of you have probably already figured out, an organization as inherently evil as the United States Internal Revenue Service could not possibly be run by amature evil-doers such as your run-of-the-mill politician or government employee. No. That’s a big job, and it’s got to be handled by a pro. On the other side of that coin is Joe Taxpayer. Presumably, as an accountant, you are bound to serve the best interests of your client. Herein lies the conflict of interests. If you properly represent your client, you are taking money out of my pockets, and by association, your own. But if you do the right thing, and serve the forces of evil, why, you’ll be disbarred, and perhaps thrown in jail. I lose too many decent henchpersons to bad decisions just like this. So take my word for it. Take down your shingle, finish stiffing your current victim, uh, client, and I’ll give you some proper villain work like Departmental Superviser in the Tax Code Enforcement Department at the IRS. It’s a sinecure, really. All you’ll do is torture your underlings (literally) and push paper (optionally)
I knew we’d come to accord. See, when you get right down to it, it’s about people. Regarding your questions about the clown, the king, and the press, you handle that as you see fit. You’re capable, and I don’t like to get bogged down in the nuts and bolts of operations. That’s exactly why I surround myself with good people who know their business. Ah, speaking of which, if a certain axe-weilding henchman shows up on your doorstep, he’s probably there to uh, collect for the uh, football pool. And as far as interviews are concerned, my preference is to communicate to the press by means of a Quarterly Press Release. If you have other ideas in mind, write up a summary and I’ll review it.
Psst, don’t bother the boss with that, we’ll get an expenditure form to you as soon as we figure out who will be handling it. As we need to keep the minions happy, it will have to be someone not too evil. Hopefully the position will be filled shortly. For now we can cut a small signing bonus to you now that the funds have started flowing in.
Jim {We need some more IT and accounting types, guns and torture is great but the real money in Evil Empire building these days is in Mad-Science and Computers. Of course supervising IT people or Scientist is like herding cats, won’t be an easy job}
Mr. Smith, there’s been a misunderstanding. I don’t do accounting professionally, although I have a degree in it. Messing up the finances of other people is simply a hobby!
I really do work as a baker, which is how I was able to spike those cookies DocCathode ate. And have you considered that having staff knowledgable about the chemistry of cooking could prove a useful tool when my assasin’s training is done.
Plus, you wouldn’t have to have a caterer in for those big victory banquets.
Mr. Smith,
I am a villian of some experience who recently heard of the crack team you are assembling. I would be very pleased if you could find a place for me in your organization. I possess the destructive power, conferred on me via top secret technology first pioneered by Nicola Tesla, of extreme focused vibration, which can be used for anything from a light shitastu massage to the destruction of large buildings or the creation of tsunami-like waves. I am comfortable working in space and/or hard vacuum environments for extended periods of time.
Plus, I’m invisible.
I have, in the past, successfully menaced Space Ghost and Peter Fonda, and now I am offering my extensive experience to the service of your organization. I’m sure you will find my salary and benefit requirements very reasonable. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.
I think we found a plant, he must work for MI-5. Where’s our enforcers?
Do we a 1920’s style deathray yet? Wait I know the Sharks with Lasers should do nicely.
