Henchpersons Wanted. Inquire Within.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

How dare you sir! How dare you disparage the work of I and my colleagues at the many departments of Malgeniusology scattered throughout this world and attendent dimensions(not to mention our associates in the related fields of Psychoscientology* and Monsterology**)? Why, I have a good mind to ask Prof. Lucas to take his antique light-based sword weapon to you! Disparage my own humble work if you must, but to knock a body of evidence that it has taken respected academics nearly two hundred years to collect and catalogue (not to mention disseminate to a grateful public) is not only churlish, but downright imbecilic! Do you question the existence of S.P.E.C.T.R.E. and its nefarious ilk? Or of Dr. Doom’s rulership of the small European province of Latveria? Or of the brave actions of one Prof. Indiana Underdunk Jones (the both the world’s first active teacher of Eviloverlordery AND full-time Hero) in stopping the schemes of Hitler’s war machine?! May I suggest, sir, that you open any respected periodical on the subject (such as an issue of Detective Comics- known by its full title of The Journal of Evil Villainy and Detective Action in the Continental United States) or even watch the odd documentary- many channels run “A Complete History of the Rise and Fall of the First Galactic Empire, in six parts” at regular intervals, although I believe they retitled it to net a somewhat less academically-minded audience- and you will soon realise the reality of the subject you so airily dismiss!

Why, to be ignorant of the fine traditions of the occupation that you yourself intend on taking up is positively Mingian in its crass stupidity! What I had previously proffered as friendly advice to a fellow whose bravado (if not his reasoning capacity) I had admired, I now regarded as pearls thrown before the allegorical swine! I have no doubt that given your lack of respect for the tradition that has now produced you as the most misbeggotten of its spawn, you shall swiftly fail in whatever schemes you attempt, especially when you condescend to hire any Tom-Dick-or-Igor who applies on a message board! Normally I have some regrets when a new supervillain is hauled away by the Hero/Police/Time-Cops, regretting the dimishing of a once-proud tradition, but in this case I shall positively gloat when your plans meet their inevitable -10 on the Evil scale!***

Fictional indeed! With such words might a lightbulb have waved away the existence of Thomas Edison, or a human-animal hybird the massed biographical information available on Dr. Moreau!

Might I mention, by the way, that you claim to be a fair and intelligent employer who is both a good manager and savvy in the ways of the internet, and also claim a number of attractive geek-girls in your retinue- and you say it is I who uses fiction in my arguments? YOU are the greatest fiction upon this message board!

Ooooh! I believe I shall write a scathing letter to The Orbital Laser upon this very subject. I have no doubt it shall be published, and the collective Malgeniusologists of the universe shall join in my condemnation of your words!

-A Most Enraged Clam

*Mad Science
**Monsterology
***Unless you succeed, in which case- well, I suppose I shall be slowly tortured to death. Still, Ernst Stavlo Blofeld made the same threat, when I dismissed his Blofeld scale as outdated, and I remain well and healthy to this day- something that cannot be said for him!

102

Incidentally Neva, your words indicate a greater degree of widsom than that possessed by your erstwhile employer, but a sad lack of knowledge of my chosen field. While it is true that the vast (79%) majority of henchdeaths are either male or in love with the Hero (or both- we cannot be judgemental in this modern age)- you fail to take into account the fact that an equally large proportion of henchpersons are ALSO male. In fact, given the imbalance between the sexes in American and European henchperson positions, henchwomen actually die slightly more often than henchmen! This fact is lamentable concealed in the majority of academic material produced on the subject- something I have often had to take my colleagues to task about- but it still happens.

A simple case study: Consider the failure of Hugo Drax’s scheme to eliminate the population of the world and replace them with his own hand-picked volunteers from an orbiting sattellite (dealt with masterfully in the docu-film Moonraker, and subsequent papers produced on the attempt). Now, from record recovered from Drax’s estate, and first-hand evidence from James Bond himself, it is clear that half the staff on board the sattelite were female. Yet by the time the U.N. taskforce finished clearing the station, ALL on board (apart from Bond, Jaws, and two unidenitified females) were dead. The clear conclusion- the women died also, but their mortality was shamefully not covered by the documentary. Selective reporting at its very worst!

103

Edison stands as one of the few truly successful evil geniuses. Few indeed know of how he stole inventions from others, how he found inspiration for his own creations in murdering children, or how he caught the last surviving Loch Ness monster and tortured it to death on film. Electric Sunshine Man my ass!

104

Although I don’t feel I would be suited for the job , I do have a recomendation . Dick Cheney . He has lots of experience and soon he will be in need of job.

105

Ah! A fellow scholar! Doc Cathode, may I congratulate you on your excellent knowledge of a character whose secret evilgeniusery has been sadly forgotten in the flood of ideas he appropriated from others! His Time-War with Nikola Tesla is one of the most fascinating events in the history of the field- more so because it continues to rage to this day! In fact, just last week the Greater British Empire was stripped of its most important colony when a chance temporal discharge changed the course of history so that America WON the war of revolution! Extraoridnary! With any luck, of course, such a bizarre aberattion should just be temporary…

106

I got the clown’s head for ya. It turns out he was golfing with the Burger King, and, well… you don’t have a problem with regicides do you?

Bosda, please ket me explain myself. It was a gang of outlaws who decided that it would be fun of they tried to kill me. They made a mistake, and they reaped the consequences when I killed them, looted their hide-out, and burned it to the ground. Beside, do you think your “Boys” could take me out?

107

I’ll help you get rid of the bodies.

Gabriela

108

I’ll join the evil team. I have a hench. But I won’t give it up. I also have claws. Also I bite. I don’t have a lot of skills. I’m a maudlin poet. I’m not a bad scrapper. I have a dagger but I keep it in my boot.

Maybe I’m not such a good candidate.

109

If the position is still open, I am highly qualified to be the guy in the corner of the evil board room making sure you follow the list.
I also promise not to take credit for anything.

110

Hey Boss, hire this one, the list is an all time classic. Should help greatly against the statistics that **Happy Clam ** is quoting.
I have to respect HC, he recognizes Tesla for his true Genius.

Jim {The Anti-matter Bomb is on its way and I have dumped the contents of the Iranian Governments holding into you Swiss Bank accounts, you don’t want competition for Evil Overlord after all}

111

I’d like to apply. I have no particular skills, but under the influence of estrogen, I am one mean bitch.

Robin

112

Dear Sir,

I am writing in eager anticipation of further information on the henchperson listing.
I have experience as an Evil Dogwasher, Evil Rat Cage Cleaner, and Evil Clinic Assistant. As Evil Family Planning Assistant, I could offer my services by spiking the good guy’s undies with used herpes and gonorrhea cultures. I can switch his condom supply with ill-fitting and extremely thick, oddly smelling condoms (see also: Trojans). I can also offer excellent phlebotomy skills, for all your evil venipuncture needs.

How’s the dental plan?

Awaiting reply with bated breath,
~mixie

113

You need a lesson in clarity and grammar.

Was it your job to be evil and to wash dogs? Or was it your job to wash evil dogs?

You were evil and cleaned the cages of rats? You cleaned the cages of evil rats? You cleaned the evil cages the rats were kept in?

Were you evil and assisting at a clinic? Or did you assist at an evil clinic?

Here you do things properly. You supply details which make it clear that you were a family planning assistant, and evil.

114

(Baker comes into the room where DocCathode is, wearing a kitchen apron and bearing a plate of cookies)

“Doc, I couldn’t help but notice you seem all stressed out. Here’s some nice, warm oatmeal cookies, with nuts and raisins, and a big glass of cold milk. Eat up! Things will feel better if you just indulge yourself a little.”

115

When a hero turns grammarian, that’s when I go from Sadistic Enforcer to Perpetrator of Atrocities So Twisted and Heinous That Hannibal Lecter Would Say “Aw Naw, Man, Stop…That’s Enough!”

116

Dear Nitpicker McGee:

All of the above are correct interpretations.

You are first on my hench-hitlist.

~mixie

117

Baker Do you really think you can find a poison or toxin that will effect my unique biochemistry?

I don’t think so.

Ebola? I was congested for a week. Hanta virus? It kind of itches a little. Flesh eating bacteria? If that one hadn’t coincided with a routine physical, I’d never have known I had it.

118

Nah , the piano player was an operative called 88 figers louie.

I have done a variety of things for various governments that the common people would call deniable. Yours , theirs , mine, whatever the deal , contractors like me will normally be fragged to complete the mission.

That person , who just wanted the state of Nevada , small bit of advice , you really dont want to give away the most hightech piece of real estate, since Area 51 , with some goodies that we just wont mention , groom lake with the stealth fighters , nellis , with half of the airforce at any one given time being there, and not even mentioning Vegas or Reno for the money people , and he just wants you to give it to him ,lol.

You see a problem here ?

Declan

119

Enough foreplay. What is it you’re after? A cabinet position? The unprovoked anger… The blatent escalation of hostility… The insane rambling…

You, sir, will make a fine Minister of Propeganda. Welcome aboard.

120

Indeed. I think we can find a place for you in the dungeon. BWA-HA-ha. Ahem. Tell Scumpup I’d like him to show you the ropes. And the chains. And the branding irons.

Jim, you’re doing a fine job, son, just a friendly reminder about that whole transferring the World’s Wealth to my Swiss Bank business still needs to be addressed. Have you put together a Project Plan? Pls keep me updated. Thx /v

Why fight it? I mean, why freelance and worry about paying your overhead when you’ve got all these evil resources potentially at your disposal. The money you save on Health Care alone after I’ve had you killed makes it worth while. Just think about it, is all I’m saying.