It has come to my attention that many of you have expressed desire play a role in the torture and ritual sacrifice functions here at The Smith Organization. While I find your enthusiasm and desire to further Mr. Smith’s nefarious goals laudatory, I think all of you need to be clear on this matter. As per my contract with Mr. Smith I, and I alone, am to handle torturing any and all heroes/heroines. After consultation with our evil lawyers, I can confidantly state that this includes ritual sacrifice of same. In other words, it is Smith Organization policy. You are all well aware of the dim view Mr. Smith takes of policy violations. Further, after I kill Mr. Smith right at the moment of his victory, I will be CEO. Those of you with aspirations of, someday moving up the evil ladder her at The Smith Organization would do well to remember that.
Not yet. Unfortunately, Your encounter with Scumpup occurred prior to the commencement of Scumpup’sformal association with me, and therefor I can assume no liability for any and all injuries you may or may not have uh, incurred in your dealings with Scumpup. That being said, I wish you the best of luck and a speedy recovery. Please do look us up when you’re feeling better! /v
Mr. Smith, I’d like to apply for the position of Kindly Sociopathic Enforcer. I’ll sit quietly in a corner, petting my dog named Maddie, with a small smile on my face. Untill you need something really evil, brutal, or nefarious done. Then I’ll get up, with that same expression, and do whatever you need done. All I’d ask is dog food for the puppy, someone to cut the crusts off my sandwiches, and a room full of interesting machines that use pointy, sharp, or blunt objects, hopefully at high speeds. Am willing to undergo whatever cybernetic or genetic modification is desired.
One rule: No one hurts the puppy. No one. Is that understood? If so, I’m on board.
Clothahump, I despise happy endings. As part of our employment agreement, you’ll need to orchestrate Evil winning out over Good in the movie, or in real life. Your choice.
Scumpup, the usual: whatever will kill you most slowly and with the greatest amount of pain BWA-HA-ha… er. Ahem.
Regallag_The_Axe, I like the cut of your Jib, son. Reminds me of when I was a young Viking out on my first raid. It’s almost enough to make a villain weep.
Almost.
NOW POLISH THAT AXE and bring me the head of Ronald McDonald. We’ve got corporations to sack. Charge! Kill! Plunder! And don’t forget to update me Re. your progress. Thx /v
Living in a volcano sounds alright, but I’m not down with the “shooting the moon” business. Nothing personal, but I’ve been there and done that, and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
As for qualifications, I have on one occasion stampeded cattle through the Vatican.
I certainly do not wish to insult anyone, esp. Mr. Smith.
And I think you will find my terms for the device eminently aggreable: No money at all, no sharing of power required. I only ask for ownership of the Gilbert Islands and the state of Nevada.
Fine. We’ll “find” something for you in “Accounts Receivable”. Just head down that hall, there. No. No, the other… yes. On your left. No my left. Yes. Right down that hall there, and someone will be with you… Eh? No, it’s fine. Just need the bulb replaced is all. Hmmm. Yess. BWA-Ha-ha… Ahem.
I routinely delete MP3s and their like from corporate file shares… I don’t even care if they are the only copies my (l)users have… then charge them for restores!. I’d gladly viciously remove other data if I had the guidance of truely EVIL management.
Besides, aren’t all IT guys a little evil? You don’t want Tech Services folks that can do a little henchmanship on the side? (I’m willing to be trained… then of course kill the trainer, becoming the NEW master trainer! And I won’t teach the new trainees ALL the tricks… keeping me safe… you on the other hand, would be wise to keep me happy… and back up your MP3s, and AVI collections.)
Ah, Doc! While I appreciate your offer, one of the most important scientific tenets is that one must investigate, understand and acknowledge reality. In my case, that includes knowing that one of my best strengths lies in taking other people’s half-developed ideas and sharpening them. You give me lightbulbs, I give you lasers.
So unless you have a few improperly-developed lightbulbs lying around, I believe I’ll go with Smith’s previous offer.
I fear that all the posters in this thread are on a hiding to nothing. Evil henchpersoning is yesterdays career path- and not even a particuarly successful one! Consider:
There has NEVER been a successful plot to take over a significant part of this universe* that did not fail due to (among other factors) henchperson problems! Consider a tiny slice of the documentary evidence available on the phenomenon of evil geniuses- we shall take the three documentaries marketed under the title “Indiana Jones” and the released files of the exploits of one James Bond, (an internationally recognised expert on malgeniusology currently employed by the British government) as being both representative of the field as a whole and an example of the very best sources availble on the subject. In every one of these 30+ files, henchpersonnel problems are one of the most significant factors in the consistently low Evil* rating obtained by the figures whose actions are the case study. From the very earliest period that evilarchaeology can discover (A Long, Long Time Ago, estimated as at least 100,000 years) serious henchperson failings (coupled with a lack of guardrails) has been a contributing factor to low Evil ratings! So endemic has it been throughout history that the archetype of the bungling henchperson has managed to penetrate from the lofty heights of academia to popular culture: consider the role of Pinky, for example (ref. Pinky and the Brain, c.1992)- whose actions are a consistent contributing factor in the failure of his overlord!
To return to more scholarly sources, no less than 20+ assassins (an important class of henchperson) have tried- and failed- to kill James Bond (as noted by his biographers, Sir Ian Fleming and Albert Broccoli) during his relatively short tenure at MI6- some sent by evil geniuses as notable as Ernst Stavlo Blofeld or Mr. Big! If such luminaries of the field cannot eliminate so much as a single Hero (in malgeniusologic circles, this appelation is always capitalized) what hope is there for the schemes of lesser geniuses, who must rely on less historically significant henchmen than Jaws or Oddjob?
Given their role in the failings of their masters, it might be thought that an evil genius would do better to hire no henchmen at all. But even when self-executed, evil genius’ plans seldom come to frutition. I could discuss at length (as I have done in my many papers) on the role of Technological Infeasibility, Forward-Planning Failure or Narrative Necessity in causing the downfall of your common-or-garden e-genius, but the simple fact remains: the average evil genius will fail, often spectacuarly, often due to the pathetic nature of his henchpeople! Look at the Indiana trilogy of historical documentaries: the Nazis were able to conquer half of Europe, but when tasked with even a token Evil Plan to carry out (one considerably less ambitious than the average global-domination schtik) they took on the normal mantle of the henchman- dying in droves. This brings me on to my third point:
The potential rewards of henchperson to the successful evil genius are great- something that draws in the average worker fresh out of Evil College- but the penalties of failure are still higher- and failure is exponentially more common than success. Death is common for defeated henchpeople, and jail time is almost inevitable. The odd henchperson who does manage to escape is inevitably slain in future encounters, or, at the very least, fails to achieve their world-domination goal (the figure of Jaws is instructive here). Let’s hear a testimony from one former henchperson:
And one who wasn’t so lucky:
The lesson we learn from history and academic evidence is clear: the henchmen dies. Even if his master succeeds (which is almost never). True, reanimation has made great strides during the last century, but the average evil genius resurrects his minions as AT BEST, a mindless zombie. Not exactly the glowing future the majority of evil-genius prospectuses offer.
So, to review:
The majority of evil genius failures can be attributed to henchpersonnel failings (in addition to other factors).
Failure is by far the most common result of any given evil plan. Failure results in death of the henchpeople.
Even in the unlikely event of evil plan success, the chance of henchperson mortality is still high. (Remember, the average Hero kills 37.3**** henchpeople before dying in the final confrontation alone!)
In conclusion: Don’t hire henchpeople. Don’t be a henchperson. Sorry prospective job applicants (and Wiston Smith): the march of history has doomed you. Why not look up potential hero job opportunities instead? True, the chance of mortality is still high, but you may succeed for once in your life- and the chance of ressurection is 2/3! (Thanks to the folks at the M.D.C., who recently pushed this up from 1/3 through their application of unusual resurrection methods to an individual previously thought dead beyond reprieve!)
A final thought: Historically, the majority of evil plans that have failed have done so due to superheroes (perhaps as many as 98%, if one includes the vast body of documentary evidence from 1935-onwards that may be universally referred to as the “comic”). And with the profileration of nuclear weapons accompanying the break-up of the communist world, the enviromental havoc being wreaked by global warming, and the lax pollution policies of governments across the world, America (and the world’s) superhuman population can only increase. The majority of those accidentally gifted with superpowers tend to become heroes- so not only does the evil genius industry currently in decline, its future looks even bleaker. You heard it here first, guys- sell your shares in Lexcorp, Evilcorp, and (of course) Enron.
-Dr. Happy Clam, Professor of Malgeniusology, University of New Atlantis, Assistant Dean of Evil Studies, Dimension X College of Further Evilfication
I refuse to consider parallel universes, or so-called “Elseworlds”, in this discussion. This has nothing to do with the fact that the Herr Professor for Malgeniusology of the Ever-Glorious Fourth Reich won’t return my calls. The Evil scale (named after the famous Doctor, of course) is a rating of the degree of success that is achieved in exercising schemes, plots and plans that are Evil, Twisted and/or Insane. There is, of course, some debate whether this or the more venerable Blofeld Scale is more appropriate- but I join with most reputable authorities in believing that in the ever-changing field of malgeniusology, to adopt a scale designed some thirty years ago (by a figure now deceased) is positiviely anachronisitic! Note that whichever scale is used, no pl/ch/an of the last 50 years* has acquired a positive rating on EITHER one.
***Given that figures such as the good Doctor Victor Von Doom and his fellow tyrannical overlords rule the regions in which they carry out their pl/ch/ans, and therefore cannot be considered to be breaking any laws, they are not included in this ranking. As Proffessor Lucas (another noted expert) pointed out at out annual conference last October, were we to include these figures we would also have to include tyrants such as Saddam Hussein and George Bush, something that is patently ridiculous, as neither are geniuses.
****Thanks to the Gotham Institute of Evil Studies for this info!
I fear that all the posters in this thread are on a hiding to nothing. Evil henchpersoning is yesterdays career path- and not even a particuarly successful one! Consider:
There has NEVER been a successful plot to take over a significant part of this universe* that did not fail due to (among other factors) henchperson problems! Consider a tiny slice of the documentary evidence available on the phenomenon of evil geniuses- we shall take the three documentaries marketed under the title “Indiana Jones” and the released files of the exploits of one James Bond, (an internationally recognised expert on malgeniusology currently employed by the British government) as being both representative of the field as a whole and an example of the very best sources availble on the subject. In every one of these 30+ files, henchpersonnel problems are one of the most significant factors in the consistently low Evil* rating obtained by the figures whose actions are the case study. From the very earliest period that evilarchaeology can discover (A Long, Long Time Ago, estimated as at least 100,000 years) serious henchperson failings (coupled with a lack of guardrails) has been a contributing factor to low Evil ratings! So endemic has it been throughout history that the archetype of the bungling henchperson has managed to penetrate from the lofty heights of academia to popular culture: consider the role of Pinky, for example (ref. Pinky and the Brain, c.1992)- whose actions are a consistent contributing factor in the failure of his overlord!
To return to more scholarly sources, no less than 20+ assassins (an important class of henchperson) have tried- and failed- to kill James Bond (as noted by his biographers, Sir Ian Fleming and Albert Broccoli) during his relatively short tenure at MI6- some sent by evil geniuses as notable as Ernst Stavlo Blofeld or Mr. Big! If such luminaries of the field cannot eliminate so much as a single Hero (in malgeniusologic circles, this appelation is always capitalized) what hope is there for the schemes of lesser geniuses, who must rely on less historically significant henchmen than Jaws or Oddjob?
Given their role in the failings of their masters, it might be thought that an evil genius would do better to hire no henchmen at all. But even when self-executed, evil genius’ plans seldom come to frutition. I could discuss at length (as I have done in my many papers) on the role of Technological Infeasibility, Forward-Planning Failure or Narrative Necessity in causing the downfall of your common-or-garden e-genius, but the simple fact remains: the average evil genius will fail, often spectacuarly, often due to the pathetic nature of his henchpeople! Look at the Indiana trilogy of historical documentaries: the Nazis were able to conquer half of Europe, but when tasked with even a token Evil Plan to carry out (one considerably less ambitious than the average global-domination schtik) they took on the normal mantle of the henchman- dying in droves. This brings me on to my third point:
The potential rewards of henchperson to the successful evil genius are great- something that draws in the average worker fresh out of Evil College- but the penalties of failure are still higher- and failure is exponentially more common than success. Death is common for defeated henchpeople, and jail time is almost inevitable. The odd henchperson who does manage to escape is inevitably slain in future encounters, or, at the very least, fails to achieve their world-domination goal (the figure of Jaws is instructive here). Let’s hear a testimony from one former henchperson:
And one who wasn’t so lucky:
The lesson we learn from history and academic evidence is clear: the henchmen dies. Even if his master succeeds (which is almost never). True, reanimation has made great strides during the last century, but the average evil genius resurrects his minions as AT BEST, a mindless zombie. Not exactly the glowing future the majority of evil-genius prospectuses offer.
So, to review:
The majority of evil genius failures can be attributed to henchpersonnel failings (in addition to other factors).
Failure is by far the most common result of any given evil plan. Failure results in death of the henchpeople.
Even in the unlikely event of evil plan success, the chance of henchperson mortality is still high. (Remember, the average Hero kills 37.3**** henchpeople before dying in the final confrontation alone!)
In conclusion: Don’t hire henchpeople. Don’t be a henchperson. Sorry prospective job applicants (and Wiston Smith): the march of history has doomed you. Why not look up potential hero job opportunities instead? True, the chance of mortality is still high, but you may succeed for once in your life- and the chance of ressurection is 2/3! (Thanks to the folks at the M.D.C., who recently pushed this up from 1/3 through their application of unusual resurrection methods to an individual previously thought dead beyond reprieve!)
A final thought: Historically, the majority of evil plans that have failed have done so due to superheroes (perhaps as many as 98%, if one includes the vast body of documentary evidence from 1935-onwards that may be universally referred to as the “comic”). And with the profileration of nuclear weapons accompanying the break-up of the communist world, the enviromental havoc being wreaked by global warming, and the lax pollution policies of governments across the world, America (and the world’s) superhuman population can only increase. The majority of those accidentally gifted with superpowers tend to become heroes- so not only does the evil genius industry currently in decline, its future looks even bleaker. You heard it here first, guys- sell your shares in Lexcorp, Evilcorp, and (of course) Enron.
-Dr. Happy Clam, Professor of Malgeniusology, University of New Atlantis, Assistant Dean of Evil Studies, Dimension X College of Further Evilfication
I refuse to consider parallel universes, or so-called “Elseworlds”, in this discussion. This has nothing to do with the fact that the Herr Professor for Malgeniusology of the Ever-Glorious Fourth Reich won’t return my calls. The Evil scale (named after the famous Doctor, of course) is a rating of the degree of success that is achieved in exercising schemes, plots and plans that are Evil, Twisted and/or Insane. There is, of course, some debate whether this or the more venerable Blofeld Scale is more appropriate- but I join with most reputable authorities in believing that in the ever-changing field of malgeniusology, to adopt a scale designed some thirty years ago (by a figure now deceased) is positiviely anachronisitic! Note that whichever scale is used, no pl/ch/an of the last 50 years* has acquired a positive rating on EITHER one.
***Given that figures such as the good Doctor Victor Von Doom and his fellow tyrannical overlords rule the regions in which they carry out their pl/ch/ans, and therefore cannot be considered to be breaking any laws, they are not included in this ranking. As Proffessor Lucas (another noted expert) pointed out at out annual conference last October, were we to include these figures we would also have to include tyrants such as Saddam Hussein and George Bush, something that is patently ridiculous, as neither are geniuses.
****Thanks to the Gotham Institute of Evil Studies for this info!
Happy Clam, I have made a genuine effort to respond to these kind folks in the order they post, but you, sir are out of order. Please allow me to retort. You have one fatal flaw in your logic, sir. The sources you cite, the villains you disparage, the glorious, nefarious plots you summarily dismiss: do you know what they have in common, sir? They are FICTION! Pish Posh! Imaginings!
I sir, am a 100% genuine, dyed-in-the-wool flesh and blood Super Villain.
GREETINGS! I am Robert Taylor, nefew of recently deposed and captred EVIL GENIUS Charles Taylkor from Africa. My Uncle left his ERNINGs from his recent position in the sum of $142,345,687.90 US in the EVIL VILLIAN Bank and Trust located is a small Alpine country.
Access to this bank is available only to certified EVIL OVERLORDS, like yourself. I am willing to apy 30 PERCENT of my Uncles money to an EVIL OVERLORD who will assist me in obtaining this money.
Please send me your Evil Overlord Account number, Combination to Secret Fortress, Names of all Henchmen, and pictures of all sexy henchwomen in henchwomen costumes or less.
PLEASE keep this in strictest confidence, and do not tell other EVIL overlords or random secrent agents you have in your dungeon.