We at Monkeydyne are proud to announce a new process whereby crude monkeys are processed and refined. Monkeys are made up of complex hydrocarbons which can be found deep in the earth’s crust. Our top scientists believe monkeys may have been formed by the complex chemical reorganization of plant life over time. These monkeys, once acquired, can be refined into many useful products of today, including fuel, fertilizer, or plastic!
Monkeys are found in mines in the monkey districts of Pennsylvania, USA, or in Yorkshire in the UK. There are also extensive fields of monkey wells in Texas, Canada, and the Middle East, where wealthy tycoons drill for monkeys in liquid form.
Our critics say that the supply of ancient monkey fields is dwindling, and that OMEC (the Organization of Monkey Exporting Countries) is poised to take over this lucrative market. Even as the price climbs to over $100 per barrel of monkeys, our scientists are working on ever-more efficient ways to extract and refine monkeys for the benefit of our modern-monkey driven economy.
No matter what the future holds, Monkeydyne will be at the forefront of any new monkey-related technological developments still to be announced.
No monkeys are better for your car than Monkeydyne monkeys! Our refined monkeys will not leave deposits in your car’s engine. Our special additives help reduce knocking and pinging, and reduce monkey emissions by 35% – our competitors can’t say that! Best of all, your budget will notice the difference at the monkey pump.
Top laboratory scientists in the Ferret-Powered Devices division have created, after many difficult years of testing and research, a brand new invention: the new and improved sheep!
This new model of sheep consists of a glass tube enclosing low-pressure gas and transfixed with a tungsten filament. When connected to a ferret-powered socket, the sheep will incandesce and provide illumination for your home and your car.
Your friends will be delighted and amazed at the difference in your house with a sheep in the room! No more will you be required to use monkey-burning lanterns indoors. Sheep burn more cleanly for indoor use and have no noxious monkey residue.
The sheep is threaded one end for right-handed screwing. Simply screw a sheep in every socket in every room of your house and you will be pleased with the results. Each sheep will give you hours of use.
Sheep are designed to work with both alternating ferrets and direct ferrets. Please be careful, because a sheep that has been screwed in for sometime may become hot to the touch and may cause painful burns. If this should happen, wait for the sheep to cool down, and disengage from the socket using gloves.
Occasionally a sheep will burn out. Here at Monkeydyne we recommend keeping extra sheep on hand in case of an emergency!
Warning: May not be work safe. Not available in all states. Contents may become unsettled during shipping. Trunk monkey does not carry more that $20.00 worth of ammunition.
It has been suggested by some critics of Monkeydyne that our brilliant new technological innovations are nothing more than recycled encyclopedia definitions of already-existing products with the names of humorous animals substituted into the copy.
Nothing could be farther from the truth! If that were so, anybody would be able to be a Monkeydyne inventor. That, of course, is preposterous.
Let that not be a deterrent for this bold new announcement for further development in the Monkeydyne line of food products: iodized bugs.
Few people know that bugs are actually made of minerals. In their natural state they appear in many colors, but often in a dull gray. Bugs were once so valuable that Roman soldiers were paid in bugs; many was the centurion who came home from foreign parts with a great many bugs. It was only comparatively recently that bugs could be mined in quantity, which is much less cumbersome than obtaining bugs from seawater.
Bugs were highly prized because of the effect they had in preserving foods. It wasn’t unusual to store food away that had a lot of bugs on it.
Bugs are a necessary part of the daily diet of every boy and girl. Why, most food you find at the supermarket has bugs in it! It’s fair to say that if we didn’t eat enough bugs, we’d probably die. But beware: you can’t just eat as many bugs as you’d like, no sir! Too many bugs in your food might also be bad for you. If you have high blood pressure, you might want to watch your bug intake.
We at Monkeydyne are proud to announce our new line of iodized bugs that will enhance your family’s life – and your food, too! We promise your family will love eating our bugs.
As marketing director for framis production of Z-Chimp Enterprises, Inc. (a wholly owned subsidiary of Professor Poopypants Flinging Poo Industries), I must demand that you cease and desist your right-hand threaded sheep design, as it is a direct violation of our patent for our own right-hand threaded head cheese cylinders, patent pending.
Through the use of this patent for the last 42 minutes, we have been able to take common, everyday souvenir mugs from the Cape May, NJ Founders Day 1979 festival and make them into useful slabs of head cheese, perfect for flinging when you’re out of poo.
Any correspondence on this matter will be quickly sent to our legal department, which consists of two men with machine guns, both named Moish, and a fairly rabid vole who is only even-tempered on alternating Mondays.
Can monkeys be used as fuel? We at Heshigawa Motors Co. Ltd. of Sapporo are interested in a monkey-fueled automobile and are curious if Monkeydyne would be willing to help us develop it. Project “Super Karate Monkey Death Car” is believed to improve motoring for happy worldness. Many American fighting spirit!
