…credits, it kind of spoils your big twisty surprise endings.
(And oh yeah, when did this show start being about people’s lives without an apocalypse in sight? This is pretty cool. Buffy always had an apocalypse, mind you. Or an evil undead boyfriend, but Sylar can’t be in every episode, I guess)
……Seems like everyone over the age of 30’s having some sort of mid life (or in Tracey’s case, 1/3 life) crisis. Noah’s hanging out in his divorce pad, pensioned off from Primatech, not quite making it to cooking food, but now he’s eating at the table. Tracey’s backed down from her moist swordless Kill Bill revenge frenzy and wants back into her cosmo and short skirt lifestyle; and Nathan-yeah, I could go with the easy shot and say he’s not feeling like himself, but considering he has to feel stuff before he knows where the hell it came from…
Hiro, the baby of the gang, is having an end of life crisis. He’s skipped over anger and is working on some denial/bargaining combo- he’s going to damn the cerebral torpedos, boing boing through time, unbugger whatever it is he’s buggered up in life, and use some of that inherited wealth to pay off the karmic scorekeepers and become a nearsighted, nonviolent, one man A-Team. So far, he got Ando to save a kitty, and took a slurpee to the face so Ando and Kimiko can live happily ever up to now. The wedding’s next year, but Ando’s already got enough sleeping-with-the-boss cred to wear jeans to work.
Ring ring
Hiro: Dial a Hero, whaddya need?
Dude: I’m going to kill myself.
Hiro:: Where are you?
Dude: Are you near a window? What side of the building are you on?
Hiro: Hey, aren’t you the guy from accounting who photocopied his ass?
Dude: Oh, god, everyone knows! Byeeeeeeeeeee
Hiro: Well, into the wayback machine, time to sabotage a photocopier
(Gotta love making some guy’s suicide an opportunity for some farcical temporal hijinx!)
Angela shows up at Nathan’s office with a box of his old crap:
Angela: So, you’ve been feeling like you’ve been remembering your life but it’s not like it was your own? Which is completely ridiculous! Of course it’s your life, I mean, how could it not be… I brought you some of your old stuff, let’s see if you remember the good ole days before your dad went evil
Nathan: Can I hug you?
Angela: No! Never touch me again!
Nathan: What happened to that really cool leather coat you were wearing when we went to Coyote Sands? I haven’t seen you in it since I came to after Peter and I fought with Sylar
Angela: Uhhhh, I-lost it?
Nathan: You’re lying. How did I know that?
Angela: Here, play with your little toy airplane from preschool
Nathan: Ok * fiddles with the propeller*
Angela: Do you remember playing with it in the car in 1974?
Nathan:Yeah, and the guy in Taiwan at the toy factory who assembled it on had dried squid congee for breakfast that morning.
Angela: Here, quick, try on the ballcap!
Nathan: Ew, hat’s got dead girlfriend germs Picks up something else from the box, it changes in his hand Ma, where did I get a solid gold Yoyo from?
Tracey: Well, that family crisis has resolved itself. My only remaining family is a 13 year old fugitive, so can I have my job back now, Governor? I want to help people
Governor: Sure, I need you to sweet talk some legislators. Be sure to wear that skirt when you go
Tracey: are you saying that all my alleged political acumen is basically me being a hot blonde?
Governor: You may have noticed I didn’t hire Janet Reno to replace you. So,wanna screw?
Tracey: No! I want to help people now
Governor: What, I’m not people? What are you wearing under that?
Tracey: I’m going to go look up that guy in the glasses who hunted my kind for 20 years. At least he’s ethical. Well, not so much ‘ethical’ as ‘moderately repentant assassin’, but at least he doesn’t give me that icky feeling, like I’ve really been a whore with a great title all these years.
Governor: Hey, some of us New York governors have to pay extra for that 'icky feeling! Hey, is just me or is it getting cold in here?
Peter:rolls up sleeve Noah, look at this on my arm
Noah: What am I looking at, needle tracks? I don’t see anything
Peter: No, it was a tattoo of that compass we found, it appeared on my arm, now it’s gone
Noah: Are you sure you haven’t been raiding the pharmacy at work?
Peter: Let’s go find that compass, like you said, one of you, one of us, partners!
Noah: Naw, my heart’s not in it anymore. I just feel like hanging around the apartment, eating sushi, feeling sorry for myself. Ironically, now that I’m no longer a sneaky not-government agent anymore my wife who dumped me for always lying about being a sneaky not-government agent just sent me divorce papers. And this time, the signatures match!
Ding dong
Claire: Hi uncle not related to my parents!
Noah: You know, I really feel awkward when I see you with your birth relatives, Claire
Peter: You do? She looks so much like you I’m beginning to think I’m the one who was adopted. Claire, wanna come hunt for some knife wielding speed demon who sliced your da-
Noah: Peter, ixnay on the asher-slay!
Claire: Sorry, trying not to get killed this week. It’s causing some social problems for me at school
Noah: See ya Pete, Claire, want some Cheetos?
Claire: Damn, do you know how to cook anything? OK, first lesson, when it comes to mac and cheese, splurge and go for the Kraft Dinner, the store brands taste like ass. Happy housewarming
Noah: reads box So, when they say ‘add butter or margarine’, can I substitute chip dip?
Claire: dials phone Hi, mom? I’m at dad’s. Please let him come home. He’s going to die out here on his own. No, ok, can Lyle come live with him? He can show dad how to reheat pizza…
Ando: Where’ve you been and why are you covered in ink?
Hiro: I went back in time to stop Ass-ataki from photocopying his butt at the Christmas party
Ring ring
Hiro: Dial a hero…
Dude: I’m going to kill myself
Hiro: But I sabotaged the photocopier myself!
Dude: You broke the 9th floor copier? That’s why I had to use the one on 10. Byeeeeeeeeeee
Hiro: Damn, do I have to break them all? blink blink
Nathan: Peter! Why don’t you return my calls?
Peter: Hey, you’re in your flying jacket, did you come-…Don’t hug me!!!
Nathan: God, what? Do I smell? WTF is with you and mom and the no touching?
Peter: Do you remember what you did the last time you saw me in this uniform
Nathan: *touches sleeve * Noah and the Taser? God, I am such a dick! I’m so sorry for that, but I need your help- what is going on with me? Watch this! Vwoomps a coffee cup into his hand
Peter: You have multiple abilities? Cool! About time you caught up to every other man in the family.
Nathan:and when I touch something, I know everything that’s happened to it.
Peter: Yeah, that’s kind of common. Like, did you know a lot of deaf people can see sounds?
Nathan: No
Peter: Yeah, me neither. But if that’s possible, why not feel-and-tell powers?
Nathan: You know what this reminds me of? Sylar
Peter: No, Sylar’s power was way different. See, he’d have smashed the coffee cup into the wall and used the pieces to cut you to sashimi; what you can do, you bring the cup to you. Totally not the same!
Nathan: Did I mention the lightning? And the worst, the absolute worst? When people lie to me I get dizzy. Peter, I work in Congress!
Peter: So, what do you want me to do about it?
Nathan: I dunno. But I put on a ballcap from when I was in high school and saw my girlfriend Kelly, who disappeared that year. See, in the 80’s, when a rich white girl went missing, we didn’t have Nancy Grace sniping on about it for 4 hours a night on Headline News. So everyone just forgot about her. But I remember seeing her just before she disappeared, so I’m going back to her house, have a feel around, see what I remember.
Peter: Was that the night you came home smelling like chlorine, beer and blood? Actually, that was most nights when you were a teenager, never mind
Nathan: Hi Millie- can I come grope around your yard? I’m trying to remember what happened the last time I saw your daughter
Millie * slightly perma drunk.* Sure
Nathan: * feels up the pool area, remembers some teenage hijinx, a bottle of Jack, a wrestling match and a girl hemorrhaging into the pool* Owie! Millie, I think I remember what happened to your girl…
Millie: You do realize I’m evil, right?
Nathan: Who’s the goon behind the poolhouse?
Millie: Pool cleaner
Nathan: Does he have a needle in his- * thud*
Goon: I charge extra for elected officials, just so’s you know, lady
Ando: If you don’t tell Kimiko you’re dying you will be destined to spend the rest of your days going back in time breaking the office equipment. Roll that up and smoke it, Mr. Heroic Destiny!
Hiro: All right, all right! *hollers across the office *Kimi, if you want me to give you away at the wedding, you’ll have to get married this weekend!
Na-lar: Ma, what did you know about Kelly?
Angela: That you probably killed her, so I got rid of her body, created an alibi and had the Haitian erase your memory of it all?
Na-lar: Wow, I hope that info never gets in the hands of an unscrupulous psychopath
Tracey comes back to visit her guru Noah, who’s also a day ahead in working through his sense of purposelessness.
Tracey: I want to help people. Can I come work with you?
Noah: What, I hold them down while you make them a refreshing snow cone? We’ve never helped anyone in our work before, why start now?
Tracey: We’ll think of something
Noah: Sure. Nice skirt. Saki?
Tracey: What’s all this compass stuff on your wall?
Having retained his vulnerability to horse tranqs, Na-lyer remains unconscious while the goon pours him into a grave so shallow tulips wouldn’t sprout, shoots him in the chest and shovels on the dirt. Let’s see if Nath/ler kept any other Sylar-bilities…and yes! Welcome back, corporeal zombie Sylar!
(OK, so I was wrong about him not being in every episode).
Next time: a couple of hundred brain-violated corpses later, and the law catches up to Gabriel for his only accidental kill; Claire goes LUG (oh, go look it up yourselves)