And a big round of applause for the return of the Heroes voiceover prologue theme review of the evening. Yaaaaaah (imagine Kermit clap here…) Waitaminute, that’s not Mohinder’s English accent! That’s that…carny guttersnipe Samuel? Begone, you pretender!
Hiro: bloop Perter Pertrelli? faceplant, thud, splat
Peter: Teleportation? Yes! Gimme some of that! Fuck this sound o vision. Hey, are you OK, Hiro?
Hiro: unconscious on floor, possibly in puddle of drool.
Peter: Thanks for the ability man, but don’t knock yourself out over it. Hey, do you need an ambulance? I got one out front…
one commercial break later…
Peter: You’re at death’s door, Hiro. Here, let me hold that open for you…
Hiro: Your hospice patients died early just to get away from your happy death pep talks, you do realize that?
Peter: I’m going to go find someone who can help you, just give me your hand for a second…
Hiro: OW! Quit squeezing my IV!
Emma: Peter- how do I get rid of this sound o vision ability? It got switched to ‘transmit’, wrecked my front wall and now my landlord wants to evict me!
Peter: Get rid of? You want me to hug it out of you? Sorry, I don’t have that ability, that was my dad. Talk to Hiro, he’ll tell you how cool having an ability is.
Emma: Hiro? Can you tell me how to get rid of my ability?
Hiro: ijefhrgiuhg drgkjnadfg agdr
Emma: Sorry, I didn’t understand-I’m deaf, I can’t read your accent
Hiro: i-j-e-f-h-r-g-i u…
Emma: facepalm
Samuel: We’re expecting the legendary Sylar, greatest powered one of all, and this 6’2” seventh grader shows up? I thought he was going to cry all over me last night, I had to get him some cookies and tuck him in. You know, he can take other people’s powers. Don’t suppose he hurts them in the process, you do? Naw, he seems pretty tame.
Lydia: Oh, go pester him, you know you want to
Samuel: *BAMBAM BAM BAM * 'morning Sylar!
Sylar: Sylar? That policeman said my name was Gabriel
Samuel: You don’t know your name? I’d heard you were deeply screwed up, but whoa! They slapped your name right out of you. What should we call you?
Sylar: Nathan? I think…
Samuel: Another name? Hold on, lemme get some ink. Lydia! I need your back. Hey, maybe more than just your back…can you show Natgabler around the place? Make him feel at home?
Lydia: Oooh, for me?You are just the coolest boyfriend, did I ever tell you that?
Sylar: I have this urge to smell your hair…
Claire: Hi dad, got any laundry quarters?
Noah: You don’t love me, you just love my appliances CRASH!
Noah pulls his gun out of his silverware drawer: Who’s in the bathroom?
Peter: Sorry 'bout that… just got the teleport back, my aim’s a little off. I landed in a sushi kitchen somewhere before getting here, don’t know why…so, do y’know any healers from your Primatech days? Hiro’s got a brain tumor
Claire: Can’t we just use my blood to heal him?
Alert, Alert! Exposition alert! OK audience, we have not forgotten the magic blood. We repeat: still have the magic blood. Quit your goddamn bitching, we haven’t forgotten about the blood
Noah: Won’t work, your blood regenerates tissue-he’ll just have an even bigger tumor if we give him that.
Peter: It works pretty well at making bullets fall out of people though…
Noah: Shut up. * Plunks around on laptop*; Here’s a kid we found who could heal things. Injured puppies, bugs with their wings torn off, even fixed my cut up arm. As long as it’s still alive, even barely, he could heal it. Couldn’t bring back dead though…
- Alert repeats: New kid cannot revive the dead. Repeat: does not revive the dead. So don’t start fucking bugging us about Nathan. *
Peter: How about Niki? She was pretty cool…
Noah: Shut up. So, let’s go to Georgia and find this kid
Claire: Now that we’ve re-established my blood heals everything except cancer, I’ll just stay here and wash my socks.
Noah and Peter at the trashiest house in Georgia. Literally:
Peter: Dead plants, dead birds, smells like the scrap heap at a taxidermy shop- I’m not getting the ‘rebirth & spring bunnies’ vibe from this place, Noah.
Noah: Well, sometimes abilities work both ways-people who can restore life can take it away
Peter: Restore life? That’s not what you said back at the apartment…
Noah: Shut up
Peter, in the living room: Whoa! CSI alert. Mom & dad are halfway to being mummies in here. Pee-yew!
Scared kid with a RPG launcher: Go away, or I’ll kill you. Which do you want, gunshot, or me just sucking the life out of you? Either’s just as easy
Noah: Hmmmm, lifesuck, I think. My kids don’t need to see me with my head blown off again
Peter: Oooh, shotgun to the gut for me, please * Peter timefreezes, grabs the shotgun as the kid shoots Noah, and feels all smug and pleased with himself- until he turns around and sees the splatter pattern his intestines just made on the wall and Noah’s face. Mr. Smartypants flops to the floor *
Noah: Dammit kid, I asked for the lifesuck for a reason! Jesus, look at this mess. You have to clean this up-heal Peter right now!
Jeremy: No, I’ll just kill him
Noah: Your concern for my friend’s health is touching- or would be if you didn’t just spray him all over the stairwell. Besides, he’s not getting any fresher. Now, let’s try some guided imagery to get your ability to heal back-imagine yourself healing Peter,what it feels like in your hands-
Peter: * gurgle, gack, hack* Now, please, thanks
Jeremy: I don’t heal people, I kill them!
Noah: Errrr, yeah, sorry about that. We kidnapped and tested you when you were a kid, then we wiped your memory so you didn’t know you could heal people. Maybe in retrospect that was the wrong choice-now I want to * help you*
Peter: * gurgle, gack, hack*
Noah: And him too. So, what do you say? Fix up my friend?
Jeremy: As long as he’s only mostly dead, I guess…hold this pill under your tongue
Peter: * zwoop* Awesome, I’m healed, I’ll just grab that heal ability from you and teleport back- * Blink. BlinkBlink* Shit! I can’t teleport. Where’s the airport?
Noah: Crappy truck’s in the driveway
Peter: Crappy? No way, that truck’s practically vintage!
Noah: 1977 is vintage? Christ, I’m getting old.
Samuel: I thought spending the day shoveling hay and looking at Lydia’s ass would restore your memory, but I guess not. Our resident silent black man will be able to give you your memories back; follow him into the mirror house.
Sylar: All righty. Hey buddy, what’s wrong with your eyes?
- The carnival’s silent black man rolls his eyes into the back of his head, (as opposed to that Isaac-y future-painty whiteout eyes, looks like the show’s taking a crack at realism I guess) and squishes his thumbs into Sylar’s face for awhile. Then he gets the hell out of the room with the lunatic and the thousand bits of glass in it. Seeing as he didn’t run away screaming, nail the door shut behind him and nuke Sylar from space, we can presume he only rebooted him but didn’t read the data.
……And it all comes flooding back to Sylar- getting his memory back, seeing all those heads he opened, the brains he pawed through, and how stupid he looked when he rolled his eyes back up into his head after braining people? It’s like watching all 87 Halloween movies simultaneously in about a minute and a half:*
Sylar: ARGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!!No, no, no, no!AAAGHHHH!!
*…and like usual when he feels threatened or terrified, he screams like a girl. It’s so cute. The subsequent remorse puking like he just ate a half dozen carnival chili dogs then rode the Zipper at double speed? Less endearing. *
Sylar: How many people did I kill? A dozen, two dozen?I’m a monster!
Samuel: Two dozen? My god, boy, that looked more like two hundred. Wait a minute-you killed people to take their abilities? And I’m letting you stay here with us? I’ve got to be bloody nuts! Well, I’m sure I can bend you to my will, you’re probably pretty easy to manipulate. Besides, what’s the worst you can do to our little community of hippie chicks and children? By the way, that policeman who was chasing you last night, and who can destroy the lives of everyone living here and the safe haven we’ve built for ourselves-he’s in the mirror house. If he destroys our family it’ll be your fault. You can go take care of him, unless you want to ruin the lives of all the lost, socially alienated people here. But hey, no pressure!
Sylar: Oh, all right, I guess it’s my fault you took me in without me asking you to…
Hiro: What have you learned about having an ability, Emma?
Emma: That yours is cool, but mine’s just about making the world look like the inside of a lava lamp?
Hiro: Now, now Emma, these abilities area a gift!
Emma: You-Master of Time and Space. Me? Laser Floyd. You hit the jackpot, mine came from the dollar store. Excuse me for not enjoying the thrill.
Hiro: OMG! I almost forgot-Charlie- I have to go back and make everything right with her before I die too. Let me just write that dow-* Bloop*
Peter: I’m back with the healing ability -where’s Hiro?
Emma: Who’s Charlie?
Hiro,* Three years ago, at the diner: * There’s Charlie! Where are my pants?
Sylar: Hi Detective. Sorry about smashing you through that window last night, it was an accident. Well, I’'m here to kill you. Not really sure how though-
Det.: BangBangBangBang. Sylar catches the bullet, it plunks to the floor
Det: Well, I suppose it wasn’t reasonable to think shooting you would work today when it didn’t work yesterday
Sylar: Zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap. Gee, are you okay,mister? Sorry about that, I just get this lightening sometimes
Edgar: Sylar, you pussy-swoop swoop slash gash. Detective goes plop. (OMG Darth Maul just killed Winston Zeddemore! You bastard!)
Now clean this dead guy up. We wouldn’t have this mess if you’d just electrocuted him, you know.
Sylar: Oh, all right mop, mop, shovel, shovel
Samuel: Let’s party! Here, Sylar, put on these white jammies, we’re going to go get drunk and wash your sins away.
Sylar: Nice baptism, but you really didn’t need to plug my nose when you dunked me.
Lydia: So strange dangerous man, can I offer you some nice restorative poon?
Sylar: I think I killed the last woman I slept with. just so you know
Lydia: That’s ok. It’ll be different with me-I’m special! Besides, my ability’s pretty lame, so no reason for you to kill me for it
Sylar: I already had Elle’s ability when I killed her- I just did it because I was feeling insecure
Lydia: Oh, no reason to feel insecure about us-only half the men here want to nail me.
*Now let this be a lesson to all you girls who think you have to crank out a lap dance or pretend to make out with your girlfriend to get a guy to sleep with you. You know the best way to get a guy into bed? Show him where it is. Night night Lydia and Sylar. Try not to kill this one the day after you bang her, 'kay buddy?
And poor Edgar. All these years being a good little minion, slashing bank managers and cops for the good of the team, and wheeling cellos into deaf lady’s apartments*, so he can stay with the circus and make googoo eyes at Lydia even though she’s the boss’s lady. And she goes off to shag the first amnesiac psycho to toddle into the circus, right under his nose. Poor guy. Maybe if you did something about your hair, Ed. Or maybe the ladies just don’t fancy the idea of a lay with the fastest man in the west*
*That big box he was wheeling around during waffle time last week? Next seen in Emma’s next to the cello. Guess the circus needs a doctor or something
Next Time : Yeah, they went there. and sorority horror fright slasher film homage night -bonus meathooks and girls in tight tshirts.
(What, you’d never have forgiven me if I’d spoilered that last detail 
)
