Is one of them nailing a producer for screen time?- hey, maybe they both are. Maybe together-hey, slash can be fun!
(Speaking of which-Spock/Spock slash? Cannot be unseen)
- Claire and Gretchen are laying around in bed talking. Their own little beds, not together. Gawd, you pervs. *
Gretchen: Sorry I freaked you out the other night with that kiss. You aren’t afraid I’m going to jump you in your sleep, are you?
Claire: I’m sleeping in my jeans-of course I think you are! Jeeze, I can’'t go for 6 weeks without being hunted by stalkers or government agents,or Primatech guys. Why not you too? Did you leave those circus tickets on my desk, by the way?
Gretchen: OK, you * are* paranoid
Claire: Anyhow, you’re the only friend I have, and I guess if that means maybe having to put out sometimes…
*A pack of very short black ops guys break in and start bagging Claire and Gretchen. *
Gretchen: Ninja attack?!
Claire: It’s the government guys who were after me- my dad taught me how to fight-go for the legs! * Knowing the drill, Claire dekes away from the inevitable tranq darts and body slams the operative who’s-shorter than she is? *
*Becky the covert carny girl yanks off her ski mask: * Jeeze Claire, calm down, look into some yoga, we’re just hazing you
Claire: I’m rooming with a potential date raper- a girl’s gotta be alert
Back in Georgia, Noah’s trying to bail his new power-of -life- and-death protegee out of juvie , sans a ‘one of them’ partner
Noah: C’mon sheriff, Jeremy didn’t kill his parents. They just blocked up the furnace themselves, made some Lean Cuisines and waited for their horrible inevitable deaths. It’s obvious!
Sheriff: I’m southern, I’m not stupid. You’re gonna need more than that to lawyer him out of this
Noah, speed dialling: Haitian, Haitian… damn, no answer. Matt, Matt… damn, voice mail
Matt: Hi, I can’t take your call right now, I’m having a dissociative personality breakdown, leave a message
Noah: Dissociative personali- I’ll call Niki! Shit, dead. OK, Tracey. Hi Tracey, can you come to Georgia and coach a kid who accidentally kills people with his ability too? And pretend to be his aunt and sign off on his probation papers?
Tracey: I don’t even do that for my real nephew
Noah: We help people now, remember?
Tracey: Fine, I’m getting in the car, I’m in Washington now, I should be there in about -what, 20 minutes?
- Over in Parkman-land, Matt & Janice have stuck the baby in the hamper and are working out their relationship issues with some fine floor & fireplace sex. Janice seems pretty enthusiastic, so does her partner. Too bad for Matt it’s not him*
Janice: God Matt, that was amazing, where did you learn to do that?
Sylar: Heh.
(Us: Yeah Sylar, where’d you learn to do that? Aside from your meatbag across the country scoring with the tattoo lady, we’ve got you down for, let’s see, one piece of ass with Elle. The mind reels to think what or who you had to touch to get this kind of object memory)
Matt: Wut?
Sylar: I banged your wi-ife, I banged your wi-ife, nyah nyah
Matt: You BASTARD!
Sylar: That’s the second Parkman I made scream today. Cool.
(Me: Dammit writers, quit taking the good lines! How the hell am I suppose to mock if you preload the show with snark? Have some courtesy here!)
Sylar: I’ll be needing your body later tonight; I won’t do anything to it, just be sure to leave the car keys out, the gun, maybe write down your bank card PIN somewhere… is this it for your wardrobe? We need to shop
Matt:Dialing phone, stomping madly, swigging beers Mohinder? It’s me, your former hetero life partner. Call me, it’s important, I need you.
Mohinder, somewhere in academia, screening his calls: Oh, Christ.
And now, back to tonight’s other homoerotic love story:
C and G, locked very snugly in a car trunk, take some time to work on their relationship
Gretchen: Wow, this is like in Out of Sight when George Clooney escaped prison by kidnapping Jennifer Lopez and escaping together in a car trunk
Claire: Jennifer Who?
Gretch: They had sex afterwards too
Claire: I’m not surprised- they have whole websites devoted to stuff like this
- Girl, they have whole websites devoted to speculation about your hymen regenerating, hostage porn is positively Quaker by comparison (And I swear ta god, I wrote this down before the third act!)*
Squeeeeee-brake Invisi-Becky: Welcome to the sorority, ladies! We’re locking you in an abandoned slaughterhouse in your jammies and bare feet, step right up, find the clues, win a prize…I’m not a carny kid, you know. Splits
Claire: Let’s just stay together and protect each other
Pink Tshirt pledge: Screw that, me 'n the screamer 'll just find the prize on our own. Ta!
Screamer: What’s in this locker? * opens door, unknown fluid squirts in her face* ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAA Runs off like a sissy
Pink: Trade you?
Claire: No backsies
Gretchen: The ninja slayer’s mine, bitch! Hey, meathook room, cool!
Matt, still stomping, still swigging:
Sylar: Mohinder won’t be able to help you, he’s never coming back to you
Matt: Hey,you’re just pissed because the last time you saw him he beat your head into the Pinehurst floor so hard you were combing the dust out of your hair until the day you died. Sorta died. Whatever. * Drains Bud # 1, cracks Bud #2*
Sylar: No, the last time I saw him you all were burning my fake corpse. By the way, how do you plan on explaining to him your part in my not-death?
Matt: Damn, didn’t think about that swig
Sylar: Hey, maybe you shouldoudolent be having all those beerrrrrrrrrrrs* thwah, uggah
(Yeah, maybe getting the body snatching psycho ghostie drunk could quite possibly lead to a breakout of inappropriate behaviour. Don’t forget you still have a baby in the hamper to look out for)*
Matt: Hey, the voices inside my head are telling me not to drink? That’s a new one. Swig
Sylar: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrr
Matt: Oh. My God. You’re a lightweight! You can’t handle the sauce? You non corporeal pussy,we’re having shots for supper tonight! Tequila-bang! Tequila-Bang!
Sylar: Err, gah. Right. I’m controlling you ggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr hey, my eyeballs hurt Thud, or as thud as the bodyless can Thud!
Matt: I’m free! Weeeeeeeeeee! And all I have to do is stay drunk forever!
Hey waitaminute-Thud
Samuel: I have to go to Georgia and help a boy; can someone move some space and time for me?
Poof
–thanks, whoever. Tracey m’dear, ever thought of joining the circus?
Tracey: Buster, you could be the heir to every meth fortune east of the Mississippi and you still couldn’t get this.
Poof
Samuel: Looks like I just did. Welcome to the carnival
Tracey: Ewwww, straw.
Samuel: We’re a family here, bring Jeremy to us, we can protect him.
Tracey: No way. Who’s the skank?
Lydia: Hey! Bite me, blondie.
Samuel: We can protect you too, be the family you need, we don’t judge. By the way, loved your work in the parking garage last year.
Tracey: You have a crantini stand here? No? Then not even in the running, send me back somewhere I won’t get poo on my heels.
Samuel: OK, if you insist, but we can hide Jeremy from a cruel world that doesn’t understand our kind
Tracey: Crantini withdrawal, buddy.
Samuel: Fine, go back Poof
GabNathleriell, 2 days into carnival life and already dressing out of a pile of clothes the carnie kids probably stole from a thrift store: I know her!
Samuel: You remember! She beat the crap out of you with a parking meter, then that Japanese guy ran you through with a katana and a cockroach dragged you into the sewer. Rough night that was for ye.
SyNathlriel: No, I saved her life, then we flew around Washington, went to her place and got drunk. Afterwards we tried to start a mutant super-soldier army, but the building blew up. Hey, Can I fly?
Samuel: Settle down there, those aren’t your memories you’re having. Let’s see some of those killer maniac memories again. We like that side of you.
NathSyeriel: Those bad memories don’t feel like my memories. Besides, does this look like a serial killer hat?
Samuel: It’s almost like -someone stole your psychotic killer side!
SyNathlriel: Fine! They can keep it! I’d rather keep the jet-flying, blonde-screwing, power and money memories. Can I have the jet, the power, the money, and the blondes now?
Samuel: D’you remember-having a mother?
NatGabler: Ma? She’s evil.
By the way, Sylar, hate the hat…not as much as I hate trucker hats, but still, hate the hat. But if you’re trying for the ‘I’m way too doofus to be a calculating homicidal maniac, now be on your way, Constable’ look, good choice!
Noah: I’m taking Jeremy to live in DC with a new identity
Tracey: I found somewhere for him too
Noah: Where?
Tracey: Living with a strange man from a traveling carnival who recruits orphaned boys with abilities
Noah: All right, then; sounds like a great place for a kid. I guess school, stability and his own apartment just wouldn’t give him what he needs. Sign him out, let’s go.
Outside the police station, the villagers have gathered to wave pitchforks at the newly orphaned emo kid
Random rabble guy:You suck, orphan boy!
Jeremy: Wanna see something get sucked? How about the life right out of you? Grabs his arm, rabblerabble guy groans and drops. The remaining rabble get the hell back. They’re southern, they aren’t stupid
Noah: Jeremy, you can do it! Save the rabblerabble guy!
Jeremy: Y’know? No.Asshole stays dead. Can I go back to jail now, sheriff?
Bad sheriff: Sure we’ll take you back to jail. With your ears nailed to a car bumper…
Noah: Jeremy, no, come with us! We can teach you to be good!
Bad sheriff: Let’s go son; time we indulged in some southern law enforcement prisoner killing stereotyping.
Jeremy: I should kill you, but I won’t. I think I’ll live to regret that
Bad sheriff: Not for long, boy
Claire: So how long have you known you’re gay?
Gretchen: Bi, really. I’ve slept with more guys than girls
Claire: Really? A…lot?
Gretch: Six, eight, not that many. You?
Claire: Uhhhhhhhh
Gretch: You *are * a virgin! Naw! Really? It grew back, right? Tell me it grew back, that is so cool Ack! A meathook invisibly flings itself across the room, choking the inappropriate line of questioning right out of her
Claire: Oh thank god she stopped talking about it-HEY! Claire is invisibly flung to the floor
Gretch: Ack…
Pink and Screams: Our prize, we win! Meathooks, ack!
Claire: grabs something big and pointy & starts swinging Don’t fuck with me; I’ve crashed prisoner transports for less * Thwack! Thwack! Thud! *
Becky: Ow! My hair! De-invisibles, shoves Claire off, half-invisi-runs away, just visible enough for Claire, Gretch, Pink and Screams to get a half-eyeful of girl-Claude
Screams: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGGG!!!
Pink: Oh yeah, prize is mine-hey, did Becky just melt?
Claire, impaled on some spikey thing: Get this stake outta me!
Gretchen: Hold on… *pulls Claire off the rebar,dusts her off, watches sucking chest wound repair itself *
Pink: Did you just heal a stake through your heart?
Screams: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- Oh hell, I’ve had it. Taxi!
Gretchen: What’re we going to do about these two, Scooby?
Claire: Ruh roh.
Tracey: Geeze, fat lotta good you did Jeremy there, Atticus. You really suck at helping people by yourself
Noah: Maybe I should go take up Angela’s offer to fire up Primatech again.
Samuel: See what happened to us misunderstood accidental killers with abilities? Rabblerabble, torch the castle, next thing you know, you’re dead, freeze lady. Sure you don’t want to come to the carnival?
Tracey: Hmmm, maybe put some crantinis in the slushie machine, we’ll talk
Matt comes to in a sea of empties Yes! I win! Sylar’s gone!
Sylar: Don’t be so sure- look in the mirror
Matt: Dammit! You have my body!
Mattlar: Car keys, please? Mwah ha ha!
Did he just mwah ha ha? Matt actually mwah ha ha’d? Oh, fabulous, now we have…hmmmmmm Grunberg impersonating Sylar impersonating Matt. Great, someone else impersonating someone else, cubed. Someone start making a chart, and cross reference: Sylar mind/Matt body to Sylarbod/Gabriel-Nathanhead; Matt’s mind’s in a broom closet somewhere I guess…I’m gonna need more paper
Samuel and his extraordinarily ugly boots take a final stomp around Hazard Co:
Samuel: Nice police station you got here. Shame about that earthquake
Sheriff: What earthquake?
Thud
Next time: Charlie, Sylar in a trucker hat, and Hiro and his hospital gown’d butt are back for Midland: 2006- Revenge of the MOTAS. There may be waffles