He's tall, dark, handsome, funny, smart... if he just weren't soooo...

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m 38. This is me . I am convinced that I look like Burl Ives (minus the filled out posterior), so it’s always odd when others don’t run fleeing (I’m not being falsely modest here or fishing for compliments- I’m about 50 lbs overweight).

I’ve had more e-mails from this one site in the past month than I have from the several other personal pages I’ve had in years. Recently I received an “I want to meet you” notification from a guy 40 miles away and I responded. His profile was intelligent and funny and his picture was really cute. What’s wrong with him? I wondered, but I sent a short funny little e-mail as a Hail Mary and howahyah and he wrote back.

In complete sentences. And he was funny. And he mentioned some esoteric medieval stuff as a reply to the automatic signature I’d forgotten and he knew about the stuff. And he seemed really sweet.

Now, for those who are familiar with the online meat markets, complete sentences are rare and wit is damned near illegal. So many times I’ve sent an e-mail trying to make a good impression by having a clever little pun or playful little spin or whatever and basically get back “Hey thats intresting you wann a meet somewher and fukk?” This wasn’t like that.

So over the next two days we exchanged, no exaggeration, more than twenty e-mails, many of them very long. We joked, we exchanged views on life, music, the cosmic dance and everything, we discussed everything from Fokker aircraft to leprosy to politics to angelology to medieval lit to Smurfs to Hawaiian mythology, we made really tasteless jokes, and then I was really shocked when he asked me- several times- to please come meet him for coffee. (He wanted me to come there because he was studying for an exam- “You’re a student?” ask I, and yes, he replies, but “older than average”.

So, being between my high school graduation and my funeral and thus free of other engagements (have I mentioned that I’ve had 1 date in the past three years? and I’m a non-teaching professor, btw, but not at this guy’s school so there’s not a “professor=dating=a=student” stigma at least) I journeyed forth.

We hit it off majorly. We met around 8 (public well lit place yadda yadda) and parted company around 2. No sex- just constant talking and laughing and eating and revelry. He’s sexy as hell (at least to me- he’s not an everybody’s typer- not a gym god or anything, but tall and lanky and sort of clumsy- what I’d call a “cute nerd” type, but I have a major thing for cute nerds). And he told the truth- he is older than the average college senior.

Because he took a year off after high school.

He’s 22. Or 23, one or the other- I actually asked him not to tell me his true age lest he make me feel even more like a priest with a choirboy.

Did I mention that I’m 38?

Alright, if there weren’t an attraction there, or even if I thought the attraction was only physical (young flesh, et al), I’d know not to pursue this thing. But the attraction is genuine- it’s not lust- physically I can definitely call him “more than doable”, but I just thoroughly enjoyed talking to him. He really is very mature for his age and he’s better read than most people I’ve met three times his age. I learned from him the first night I met and that’s something I haven’t done on a date in so damned long I’d forgotten how great it was (I’d almost rather learn about some new discipline than have sex- well, not really, but it is a not particularly close second at least). It was great- the talk was great- six hours and I could have stayed there all night.

I have no idea what he thinks of me physically- he didn’t seem taken aback or disappointed at least (whether it’s manners or legitimate or “this isn’t really a date” or what I don’t know), but we’ve exchanged a dozen e-mails in the past couple of days and have agreed to meet again.

So… there’s about a sixteen year age difference. (He does plan to stay in the area after he graduates.) I feel… well, like a chicken hawk. I want to know him- I truly like his mind- he’s super intelligent and he’s interested in everything and we can talk on so many levels and he has a silly vapid side like I do as well as the intellectually promiscuous side. I’m not going to be modest: I think it’s fair to say based on the opinions of others that I’m a smart and interesting and funny guy in person, but he goes to a college and lives in a city where there are so many guys a helluva lot nearer his age (and his own weight) than I am that I’m wondering why he’s interested in me (if he is- and is it just as a friend or with more in mind? You know- I’d be content with a non-physical friendship with him, but because I find him adorable I’d kinda like to know now before I do something stupid).

So- your honest opinions- is it wrong of me to keep up something that might or might not become a physical relationship with a MUCH younger guy? Am I still a chicken hawk if I’m not the one who initiated contact? Am I being overly analytical? Is it stupid of me to think this might become at all romantic when I’ve got prescriptions damned near as old as this kid and he could surely find a better looking guy than me? And will Sophie Tucker ever get the credit she deserves as the true mother of punk rock? Did Henry IV do the right thing at Canossa, and just how many times has Stefano died and come back so far on Days of our Lives? I’d love to read opinions on these and other issues (but particularly the ones that are ALL ABOUT ME).

Your obedient,

U. G. B. F. Sampiro y Halcon de Pollo

2

Sampiro you want opinions- here’s mine. I checked out your picture, I see more Kenneth Branagh than Burl Ives. I’m as straight a guy as they come, but I’d say you’re a handsome bastard. As far as your concerns go, near as I can tell, you’re smitten. You are pretty much doomed. You’re going to spend far too much time thinking about this young man, wondering if it’s a good idea, beating yourself up, etc etc, and then you’re gonna go for it regardless. My advice is to just skip the part where you give yourself a bad time and go for it. In the long run I’ll bet he’s a bit too scattered for you, needs to figure out exactly what he wants… it probably won’t work out. You’ll both have a hell of a good time trying it out, and in the long run no-one gets hurt. Fer Chrissakes he’s well over any legal age of consent, whattayaworriedabout? You’re going to have to deal with a few “So where are you taking him to trick-or-treat?” comments around Hallowe’en. Small price to pay for a lot of fun and a potential soul-mate. Quit thinkin’ and start doin’.

3

So, he’s MUCH younger. Would it make a difference if he was MUCH older? If you were the younger guy? OK, he’s in his early twenties, and for many of us, looking back on those years, that seems impossibly immature. Except that I would have to admit that I know a couple of people in their early twenties who are far more mature than I am in my early forties. He obviously didn’t strike you as being immature, so the age difference doesn’t matter in those terms.

Chicken hawk? Well, obviously your only interest in him is his youth… no, wait a minute, that’s not it at all! You had an intellectual connection with him before you even met him, so you know perfectly well that you’re not a chicken hawk. If you’re worried by what other people might think, you’ll just have to get over it if the relationship progresses. Unless you have a track record of going after much younger men, you don’t have anything to worry about .

Yup, you’re being far too over analytical, but that’s normal too.

Why should you think that this guy is so shallow that he’d prefer good looks to good conversation? Sometimes you just make a connection with someone, and that’s a rare and valuable thing. You are a nice looking man, PLUS you’re intelligent and articulate. Sounds like a catch to me.

I’ve always thought of Margaret Thatcher as the true mother of punk. Dunno about the rest.

Go with the flow, Sampiro. I can’t see anything wrong with your motives for making this thing work, and it would be a shame to let physical age get in the way of a potential relationship that already works intellectually.

4

No. What should it matter?

You don’t need excuses.

Definitely.

Who knows? I’ve been in essentially the same situation some time ago (except that it was a she, and that I met her in a restaurant rather than over the internet) and it turned out that she had no romantic interest. Still, friendship is worth it.

But there are people involved in romantic relationships with wide age difference. There has been threads on this topic many times in the past. So, it might very well be possible.

At worst, you’re risking a broken heart at some point down the road. But you would too with a guy your age.

Tell me who she is and maybe I’ll try to answer this one.

That’s great because I’ve nothing to say about Henry IV, either.

Go ahead and forget about your guilt trip.

5

Gee, you think? Dude, most space shuttle launches don’t have as much thinking go into them as this relationship.

So the problem, as I understand it, is that you’ve met a guy who you think is really smart and funny and has similar interests to you, and you also find him physically attractive. And, in the interest of “tough love,” I’ll point out is neither married nor straight. And he’s also attracted to you – attracted enough that he initiated contact with you.

Yeah, that’s a tough one.

The whole “age filter” thing is an initial screening process. Guys that much younger than you would tend not to have similar interests to you. You’ve already eliminated that possibility by meeting up with the guy and not having to deal with hours of staring blankly at him while he goes on about frat parties and cartoons. If y’all had spent the entire time making references the other didn’t understand, or he kept mentioning the year he was born and you remembered exactly what you were doing at that time, then there’s no problem. The age difference is no longer a concern.

There are about 11 gajillion things that can go wrong with a relationship without your having to invent problems. For now, you should be thinking about getting to know him as a person, not as an age group. Once you’ve got the normal relationship things squared away, then you can properly ease into your role as sugar daddy.

6

Sampiro, you’ve got that cuddly teddy-bear look going for you, and intelligence too. I say go for it! The age difference really shouldn’t be your concern right now. And keep us all posted.

7

You are really pretty.

[sub]I’m 23 too … wanna make something of it?:D[/sub]

8

Okay, I’m 23 too, and let me say that your picture is very yummy-looking. If you don’t go for him, I’ll be pissed you didn’t let him get any of that.

All my serious relationships and the majority of my non-serious ones have been with older guys. When you’re my age, it happens, just because the majority of gay men are older than me. If I think a guy is hot, then he’s hot; I don’t care about his age. Actually, I’ve developed rather a taste for older guys.

But enough of this folderol. This fellow is an obviously intelligent adult and you’re not his professor. Why in heaven’s name would it be wrong for you to have a relationship with him, if that’s what you both want? Age is completely irrelevant to the matter.

And for Yah’s sake – cute lanky nerd! GLOMP HIM ALREADY.

9

What they said.

Some men mature at 18. (OK, a **few **men mature at 18). Some don’t seem to mature EVER. Looks like you found yourself an early bloomer on the strawberry vine of love. So nibble away. Don’t let the perfectly good berries go to waste because it’s a June bearer and not an August! They’ll get all mushy and smelly and attract bees. Um. This metaphor? Not going where I wanted it to.

Meanwhile, I’ll be back here sighing that TWO of my ideal men are loving each other and not me. Not fair, I tell you. Ever consider bisexuality? :stuck_out_tongue:

10

Falling in like is the best part! :cool:

Yes, you’re being too analytical, no you’re not a chicken hawk, go for it and keep us posted.

11

Sampiro,

There’s a thread right now in MPSIMS about age differences in relationships. Not a long one, but I think you’ll see that it’s only an issue if you make it one.
As SolGrundy said earlier, there are lots of things that can go wrong in a relationship…don’t add to the list!
You’ve met a great person. Have fun!

GT

12

It’s hard for the scary-smart folks to find each other, and thus finding that connection is a rare thing. I understand being scared about being that smitten by someone – but you’re seizing on the age thing as being a problem to avoid confronting the actual fear – which is, how can this possibly work out? He’s so cool, and I’m so – human. Well, he’s human too, and it either will work out or it won’t. You’ll either get your heart broken, or break his – or he’ll turn out to be The One and you’ll live happily ever after. There are no guarantees in life.

Don’t be a moron. Go for it.

13

Sampiro How old would you be if you did not know your age? How old would he be if you did not know his age?
I’m 53 and find people very susprised when they find out that I mountain bike, listen to alternative rock, and do other things that an “old man” isn’t supposed to do.
Age is just a number. If you enjoy his company go for it.
You only go around once, so grab for all the gusto you can each and every time you can.

14

Sampiro, sometimes you sound just like the male version of me . . . except for the 5-year age difference. And the living in different parts of the country. And the beard. But otherwise, you know, just like me. :wink:

I completely, completely understand why you’re feeling insecure about whether this guy could really like you: I’m in a similar situation, myself, having just met someone from an online site who is intelligent, funny, thoughtful, and cute as hell. We met two days ago, after three weeks of long e-mails, and the night before the meeting I actually had a stress dream wherein I overheard him telling someone that he thought I was great “but if only I weren’t so fat.” :rolleyes: But you know what? The meeting went extremely well (2.5 hours to your 6, but given that it was a lunch meeting on a workday I think we did pretty good ;)), and thank og for his straightforward mention of our chemistry in an e-mail later the same day because otherwise I would still be torturing myself wondering whether he just wants to be friends. Part of me still can’t believe that this awesome, athletic, good-looking man is attracted to me, but such is life for us “I have excellent self-confidence just don’t mention my weight” types. :wink:

Anyway, my point is that I get where you’re coming from, but I think you’re using this guy’s age as an additional cover for your insecurities (even though you’re open about them here). It feels like you’re lining up an excuse to use with him, to break things off before you (maybe) get hurt. (On preview, I see that twickster seems to agree with me.) But I also think that if you don’t find out where this thing might lead, you will regret it for the rest of your life! (Ok, maybe just the next 7 months . . . but still, who wants to deal with regret for 7 whole months?)

And come on: you don’t need to be told that being interested in a 22-year-old does not make you a chicken hawk. Now quit being chicken. :wink:

15

Sampiro, I say: go for it!

And you are excessively cute. :wink:

16

[Sally Bowles]

Pounce.

[/Sally Bowles]

17

Probably not, but then he really was between a rock and a hard place. Meeting the Pope at council in Augsburg was bound to have been dangerous as well.

You’re not, though :). If he was 18 or so I could see hesitating because of the maturity factor, but early twenties is usually a world away from the teens.

  • Tamerlane
18

It’s already been said here multiple times, but I’ll say it again, for the sake of pounding into your not-Burl-Ives-looking-at-all skull.

You didn’t find yourself attracted to him because of his age. So why should it enter into the equation at all, especially after the fact? Age != maturity. Although it’s not a bad indicator for the population as a whole, it doesn’t have much relevance at the individual level.

Go get 'em, tiger…

If not, get yourself to Montreal - I hear there’s a 23 year old up there who digs older guys and thinks you’re pretty damn cute :smiley:

19

blushing furiously

20

Finally a “gay” thread where I can contribute, and not as an outside observer.

Go for it!

No, you’re not being a chicken hawk – you fell in love with a person, the actual inner self of an individual, and on further inspection that person happens to be housed in a youthful body – and one you find attractive. And the feelings are reciprocated.

What the hell is the problem here? Social judgment over your respective ages? Hey, if you want to have your relationships judged by people, I can find a few thousand who will tell you that any gay relationship is immoral ipso facto. What matters – the only thing that matters – is how you two feel about each other. Period. Full stop. Assessing the situation to ensure that it’s not merely a physical attraction with no social/intellectual connection to keep it alive – good move, in most circumstances. But, kindly take note, you did that first; the physical attraction was an extra added benefit that came later.

Why I say that I can speak with authority here, and not merely as an outsider, is my own experience. I was 42 years old, married 16 of them, when I met and fell in love with a young man one month shy of his 17th birthday. That both of us were straight had quite literally no bearing on the issue. We were hurting; we “clicked” intellectually and emotionally; we each had what the other needed in terms of support and healing of long-entrenched emotional scars. And it strengthened and deepened my marriage and made his own, two years later, possible at all. We’re each other’s closest friend, make no bones about the fact that we still love each other (though we do play down use of the term out of consideration for what it implies socially, out of respect and caring for our wives). Barb and I are a part of his and his wife’s family, and vice versa, just as if we were blood relations.

So I guarantee that such a relationship can work, and work well long term, even without the added fillip of sexual attraction, which you two have going for you. From personal experience.

And, BTW, for obvious personal-experience reasons, I know precisely the guilt “robbing the cradle” feelings you’re going through.

Get over it.

He needs you in his life, or you wouldn’t have hit it off so well. And sometime down the road you’ll come to realize that, and find your guilt trip laughable in retrospect. I know. I’ve been there. (And when that happens, I’d like the opportunity to say, “Told ya!” to you ;))

Now go e-mail or phone him.