Forgive her boys, being a girl, she doesn’t know tools. It’s an X and Y chromosome thing. Only the proper combination understands tools.
For automotive tools there is nothing more H-M than Snap-On. For cordless construction there is nothing more H-M than Dewalt.
Rick who has Snap-On and Dewalt
I used to use a pair of adjustable pliers to hold my bread bags shut
Especially since the proper expression is raison d’être, which means “reason of being”. Raison d’été would translate as “reason of summer”. And, as we all know, there is no reason to restrict cleavage to summer.
Using a French expression may be suspect, when the actual English translation is short, simple, clear, and manly. But using it wrong is worse.
Ok, H-M beer rule. Quantity rules. That’s it. Quitcherbitching or I might think you’re not a H-M. It is *permissable * to want a “real” beer versus “piss water” and the corallary which is “Fucking Heineken, PBR college boy” also works. Just don’t run out of the hops and no whining. H-M are even allowed to brew their own beer and have strong opinions on the subject, but when da rubber hits the road as long as there is cold beer then life is good. I repeat, if there is an unlimited quantity of cold beer, ***any ** * beer, no whining is allowed or you lose H-M status and do not go directly to go.
The Canadians carried bicycles ashore at Dieppe, not Normandy.
HM may never drink Alcopops, Stollies, or Bacardi Breezers unless there is no other alcohol available. Even then, the true HM will decline, asking for a coffee, and say something about how their doctor has told them to cut back on the drinking if they value their liver.
Any man who turns down a threesome will immediately have his HM status revoked.
HM will have at least one amusing anecdote involving a bar in a foreign country, language difficulties, and either the local constabulary or a hot backpacker chick.
HM must like porn, but is excused from maintaining a library of periodicals if he has a wife or live-in girlfriend.
If Vice-Grips are not available, Duct Tape will also work
Duct Tape and WD-40 is all a H-M needs to fix anything, if it moves and it’s not supposed to, use Duct Tape, if it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40
if forced to wear cologne, H-M’s favorite scents are WD-40 and Hoppes #9 Nitro Solvent…
All of these discussions are great and all. But you guys have missed The Primal Hetero-Man Law[sup]TM[/sup]:
0[sup]th[/sup] Law: A real H-M shall show no signs of weakness.
Period.
End of story.
All other discussions here have been either interpretation of or corollaries to The 0[sup]th[/sup] Law.
Add bailing wire to that list, duct tape melts if you use it to hold up your exaust pipes.
Those of us who are “butt men” have a similar right to inspect any attractive backsides in the vicinity. If the woman in question is wearing a thong bikini, or anything with writing across the ass, then said right has been handed down on stone tablets by God Almighty, and we cannot be blamed for looking.
Hemingway used both those words. So it’s not impossible, just extremely unlikely.
It is acceptable for HM use gay insults (e.i. go suck cock).
A gay follow up to a gay insult is unacceptable (e.i. well drop your pants then).
A HM must be able to catch anything thrown at him.
This protocol is rarely spoken of, but if a HM accidentally touches the privates of another HM, it is understood to be an accident and never spoken of again.
Ditto for accidental brushing of hands.
No cock in the ass.
Unless you’re the giver.
Un actitud muy latino. 
But not if it’s a two guys and a girl threesome, right?
Throughout this thread we’ve had some examples of Hetero-Man. I think listing examples will help all to realize who is, and who is not, true H-M. This is not a complete list; only representative:
Hetero-Male:
- Elvis
- John Wayne
- Neil Armstrong
- Frank Sinatra
- Muhammad Ali
- Nolan Ryan
- Al Bundy
- Fred Flintstone
- Ralph Cramden
- Ernest Hemingway
- Van Gogh
- Hank Williams Jr.
Not Hetero-Male:
- Frankie Valle
- Alan Alda
- Michael Jackson
- Gérard Depardieu
- Ben Affleck
- Nathan Lane
- Ann Coulter*
- Truman Capote
- Andy Warhol
- Garth Brooks
- Jean Claude van Damme (name sounds French, and what H-M knows where Belgium really is?)
- Ryan Seacrest
*Oh, c’mon, look at the size of that Adam’s apple
Michael Jackson was male? Ever?
I’m old enough to remember him from the Jackson 5 variety show, back when he was a pre-teen. He wasn’t only male then; by all outward appearances, he was a normal human being.
WTF? Michael Jackson is too! Traveling the world, drinking beer, writing books about drinking beer…
Oh! You meant the other one, didn’t you? Yeah, that little freak is definitely not H-M
Okay - as a guitarist, I must add:
- There is nothing more HM musically than a Les Paul guitar through a Marshall Stack, with Fender Stratocasters coming in a close second (and Fender Telecasters as the true Working Man’s Plank)
- If you want to raise your lighter to the song, you’re taking a risk with your HM, unless it’s Freebird (and if is “Lights” by Journey, just walk away - and I’m from SF!!)
- If it involves synthesizers, walk away (note that this does NOT include electric piano and especially not Hammond B-3 Organs, which can rock like nobody’s business!!)
- If it doesn’t sound good cranked and going well over 55mph in an open-top car, walk away.
- We love Keith Richards, but don’t know what do with John Lennon (a real rocker and rude, but what’s up with Across the Universe, let alone Yoko?). Aerosmith, Guns n’ Roses and Southern Rock of any variety provide the foundation of music appreciation…
- Disco sucks. However, in the spirit of “egg pie” (loving that, btw), “industrial” and some “techno” are more than okay…