When you get old, just drop the pretense of still being virile. If you need Viagra, it’s time to find a new hobby. Old men should do things like hide out in the wood shop or sit in the library and read while smoking a pipe.
No Hetero Man should, under any circumstances, own anything pink.
Flower patterns are verboten unless explicitely tropical (like Hawaiian shirts and such).
Serious conversations about relationships, emotions, etc., are allowed, but only during states of significant intoxication, and only if the occasional joke is thrown in to let the other Hetero Man know you’re not taking anything too seriously.
The perception of Heteroness must be constantly maintained: when around other Hetero Men, one should attempt to make at least one comment about the attractiveness of a member of the opposite sex per 30 minutes, or risk losing Hetero Cred.
Rule#3f: Or when kicking ass, of course.
Rule#Next-in-order: Ass kicking is authorized.
Rule#Next-in-order(a): Ass kicking is required in the event that any man insults your mother, woman, or dog.
You boys are so silly. 
We could do our own silly thread about the women rules and protocol.
Where do we stand on beer that doesn’t taste like weak piss?
When in the presence of other men, such statements made by women must be countered with at least one “eye-roll” and mumbled negative comment. This must be witnessed by any other males present.
Performing this outside of the woman’s view is acceptable.
If I’m in the wood shop or library, how can I yell at those damn kids to get off my lawn?
Hetero men must have a project somewhere around the house. The project must involve tons of research and the purchase of many specialized tools. If, by some miracle, we ever actually complete the project, we should be so pleased by the results that we immediately undertake a new project that’s 10 times bigger.
Beer must come in a bottle that requires a bottle opener - if it has a screw-off cap it’s girlie beer.
Extra points for popping the cap off without the opener.
A Hetero Man is not finicky about beer. He likes it cold, and alcoholic.
I think it was RealityChuck who claimed awhile ago that back circa 1920s, there were a lot more unmanly things you could do than sexx0r another man.
He gave no cite. Real men don’t cite unless a money bet is involved.
A Hetero Man assumes all beer is alcoholic. Serving Hetero Man a non-alcoholic beer is grounds for an ass kicking. See above.
Anything is potential grounds for an ass kicking. A Man’s Gotta Do What A Man’s Gotta Do.
Yup. Anyone that turns down a twistoff beer and requests something that has more than two syllables in its name (like “Bud” or “Mic”) or, god forbid, any kind of fruit in it, should be given a Zima.
On the other hand, requesting a Bud or Coors when offered a microbrew is perfectly acceptable, providing that you end up drinking whatever they have.
Always have a method for opening a beer. Bottle opener on the keychain, Leatherman on the belt, screwdriver, table edge, etc. Anyone that serves a non-twistoff beer and does not have a bottle opener is not allowed to complain at the semi-circle chunks gouged out of their table.
If you’re first in line at a stop light, and there is another car next to you (two or more lanes) you must race the person next to you. Racing to the speed limit is acceptable for men over 24 or anyone with children under 14 in the car.
Hetero Man must grunt appreciatively while inspecting any newly acquired weapon, vehicle, power tool, electronic device, sporting equipment, grill, dog or woman belonging to another Hetero Man. Then he must get a better one ASAP.
Waitwait, just to clarify, Bud and Coors are more HeteroManly than microbrew? Go fig, I always thought it was the other way around. Like how solid, high-quality cars that fuck your shit up are HeteroManly (they still are, right? I’m all topsy-turvy now!)? Aren’t solid, high-quality beers that fuck your shit up better than ones that – aren’t?
For Hetero Man, quantity of beer is as important as quality. If only able bring a case of Bud or a sixer of something fancy, Hetero Man will opt for the case.
Even if the offering woman says, “We’ll do it in a position where you can still see the tv”?
But hetero man may be a beer snob, just as long as he doesn’t get too… well you know.
You may stipulate, but bear in mind that you may wind up stipulating a foot in your ass. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’, you know?
Well not if you call it that. Egg-pie, on the other hand, is delicious.
Is that what they teach you pansies up in Minnesota? I have never even heard the words “beef” and “ribs” attached like that. Where I come from, you just say “ribs” and it always means pork. And a pulled-pork sandwich is the food of the gods.
I love a good steak as much as the next hetero guy (corollary: steaks must be served as close to raw as the law allows.) But the pig is where the truly manly meat comes from. I mean, can you possibly question the manliness of bacon? (Another corollary: there is nothing manlier than having a heart attack before your 60th birthday.) And pork chops? In the words of the manliest guys around, “Mmm… pork chops.”