As you’ve noticed, I work out regularly. (And don’t pretend you haven’t been checking out my biceps and triceps and multiceps and all that. You say you like me for my sparkling wit, but you enjoy the packaging too.) My workout spot of choice is the local YMCA – good selection of machines and free weights, nice cardio area, decent locker room and shower.
It’s the shower I want to talk to you about today. Men’s showers are a strange place, where otherwise normal males are transformed into a weird combination of over-the-top jock-type guy and incredibly shy, refuses-to-meet-your-eye bookworm-type guy.
This is because most men don’t like to be around other naked men. It freaks them out. So, to cover their embarrassment, they either talk really loudly, in an overly deep voice, about manly things (“Yeah, I went boar hunting over the weekend … killed me a 400-pounder with a hunting knife, heh-heh”) or they withdraw into themselves, staring at the shower tiles directly in front of them as though the tiles contain the Secret of Understanding Women.
I’ll tell you a jealously guarded Guy Secret, but you have to promise not to reveal it to anybody else: Guys do this because they don’t want to be accused of being gay. I’ve never really understood how either one of these approaches signifies the non-gayness of a person, but apparently it was decided by some sort of Guy Tribunal, waaaay back when showers were made of stone, that this is the appropriate way to act in a shower. It somehow indicates that one is just bursting with heterosexuality. I’ve also never understood why it would be bad to have a loud boar hunter accuse one of being gay, but maybe I’m just not perceptive enough.
(Standard disclaimer here: I myself am not gay, but I have no problem with gay people. Why, some of my best friends know some gay people. I post on a message board that has a few gay members. So let’s not get all excited about this.)
Anyway, regardless of one’s behavior of choice in the gym shower, there is one hard-and-fast (sorry, couldn’t help myself) Man-Rule that EVERYBODY follows: Keep At Least One Shower Head Between You.
See, the showers are open – they’re just shower heads sticking out of the wall. No dividers between them. There are three shower heads on one wall, and four shower heads on the other wall. Like this:
1 2 3 4
5 6 7The numbers represent the shower heads.
If a guy goes into the shower, and it’s empty, he’ll most likely pick shower head 1, 4, 5 or 7. That way, if another guy comes into the shower, he can keep the maximum distance between himself and the first guy. I know that this seems silly to women. I’ve seen numerous documentary films about women’s showers, and I know that you women like to be close to each other in the shower, frequently soaping each other’s backs and gently nibbling and kissing each other’s necks.
What can I say? Men are different.
Occasionally, the men’s showers will be a little crowded, and shower heads 1, 4, 5 and 7 will all be occupied. If another guy comes into the shower at this point, he will either wait until one of the others is finished, or he’ll leave the Y without showering and stink the rest of the day. If he has an important date later with a girl he wants to impress, he’ll probably just give up and never call her again, rather than stink on her. So you women who complain about how guys stand you up for a date and never call you again, you need to understand the level of sacrifice we’re actually making here. It’s BECAUSE we care that we don’t call you.
I don’t make the rules; I’m just explaining them to you.
Anyway, the other day I had finished my workout and had gone to the showers. I was the only person in there, so I chose shower 7, from my example above, because that’s what the Man-Rule dictated. As I was lathering up with my Old Spice Red Zone Deep Cleansing Body Wash with MicroBeads™, another guy came into the shower area.
And plomped himself in shower 6.
Now, keep in mind … it’s just him and me in there. Nobody else. He had six other shower heads to choose from (personally, were I him, I’d’ve gone with shower 1, just to keep the maximum amount of distance between us, but he had multiple choices under the Man-Rules). He went with 6. The one closest to me.
I’m annoyed, but not overly so … I didn’t go boar hunting recently, but I can stare at tiles with the best of them. So I’m deep into a study of the grout when I notice this guy is an exceptionally enthusiastic showerer. (I notice this from the corner of my eye, because another Man-Rule is Never Look Directly At Another Man In The Shower.) He’s scrubbing up a storm, and various appendages keep flying into my showering space. It almost appears that he’s attempting some weird new break-dancing maneuvers there in the shower, the way he’s flinging his body parts all around.
This keeps up for the better part of two minutes, when I finally decide I’ve had enough. I shut off my shower and glare at the grout in a fierce manner to indicate my displeasure with the non-Man-Rule follower. Unfortunately, I hadn’t completely washed off the Old Spice Red Zone Deep Cleansing Body Wash with MicroBeads™, and later on in the day serious chafing occurred in areas that I’d rather not talk about right now. Also, Extra Strength Gold Bond Medicated Powder has a LOT of menthol in it, and you should know that if you plan to put it on any chafed areas of your body.
So, to sum up what we’ve learned today:
- Men, Keep At Least One Shower Head Between You
- Women, be sure there are multiple documentary cameras in your showers, so we can have different angles.
- If you MUST leave the shower early, make sure you don’t have any Old Spice Red Zone Deep Cleansing Body Wash with MicroBeads™ still on your body.
- If you DO have Old Spice Red Zone Deep Cleansing Body Wash with MicroBeads™ on you when you leave the shower, for God’s sake don’t treat the chafed areas with Extra Strength Gold Bond Medicated Powder.
- Never break-dance in the shower.
Tune in next time, when we’ll discuss Man-Rule #37: Never Cross Your Legs At The Knee.
