Male Public Toilet Ettiquette

I think that’s spelt right…

Earlier this evening I was at a local fundraiser for the scout group (I belong to 3rd Rose Bay Judean for those in the Sydney scouting community). Anyway, after my 4th beer, I felt the call of nature. Went to feed it, and while I was making my business someone else walked into the bathroom and started talking to me. I was horrified. That went against everything have ever been educated for. I came out, told my friends and they were as shocked as I. This led us to create a codified version of public toilet behaviour for males.

Here it is. Feel free to agree or disagree as you see fit.

The Ten Most Holy Commandments! (Pope Kingswood the First)
[li]No talking.[/li]
[li]Upon entering the bathroom, if you are the only occupant, proceed to the urinal FURTHEST from the door. If there is already someone else in there, utilise the urinal furthest from them. And so forth…[/li]
[li]Do not stare. Look straight ahead.[/li]
[li]If there are more than three people using the urinals (or there is no urinal that is spaced at least one apart from the nearest user), use a bowl.[/li]
[li]Once every urinal and bowl is taken, THEN AND ONLY THEN, may you occupy a urinal that is directly next to, or between two other pissees.[/li]
[li]If you know a fellow pissee, you may acknowledge him once and only once, and he may respond once by nodding. (e.g. “G’day mate”… nod…)[/li]
[li]No talking. (seriously folks, this is important)[/li]
[li]Anything that happens inside a urinal may not be discussed. (or if it’s REALLY weird, may not be discussed untill outside)[/li]
[li]No talking. (I cannot emphasise this enough)[/li]
[li]If you happen to fart, glance accusingly at the person pissing next to you.[/li][/ol]

I realise that I have probably missed a few, so please feel free to amend the list. Once we have decided on a final version, I shall be making use of the laminating equipment at work and posting these rules in restrooms all over Sydney. I would appreciate it if you would do the same in your home towns, in the name of all things sacred.

ummm… do you need a lay down?, or maybe the heat has gone to your head… :wink:

I can see the Monty Python sketch with the Australian Professors doing this set of rules, particularly with the repetition of NO TALKING.

Are you sure you didn’t forget to add a couple of NO POOFTERS in there as well?

prolly, but I’ve been thinking of this one for a while. Unfortunately, by the time I’ve sobered up the idea’s gone. Until the next time I’m pissed.

So I thought bugger it… I’m here, fulla beer… why not. :slight_smile:

we really should make a smilie with a martini or something to signify an alco post… Any volunteers?

I thought about the pooftas gag, but decided that I’d have to include dead parrots as well…

You ever see deaf guys talking in the bathroom? Pee everywhere!

No using the mobile phone whilst tackle is out. Yes, I saw this recently.


  1. Do not make any amused glances at someone who attempts to pee but can’t. Piss-shyness is a tragic affliction that is not an appropriate object of mirth.

So let me get this straight… No looking, no talking, no using the urinal directly next to someone else? So that probably rules out shoulder rubs for the guys using the urinals too, right?
(Ewww…I can’t even joke about that without shuddering.)

Here’s one of my favorite bathroom scenes (not that anyone asked). I recently went into a restroom and there was a middle age guy using the urinal, but not using his hands. Both hands were on his hips. He looked like some kind of perverted super hero waiting for his cape. I laughed to myself and went far away to pee.

(3) - I’ve got to take issue with the straight ahead look. Going to the loo is the only time I ever look for cobwebs, check out the plumbing architecture, generally admire the quality of craftmanship in the shoe leather. I call it the Lift (elevator) syndrome.

Hate people that do the ‘two things at once’ thing - piss and jangle the change in their pockets. Feel like making them wear the cistern.

This must be an example of local rules govern. If I hit the head on the way out with my colleagues, we’ll carry on a conversation while engaged in the business at hand, and that usually means occupying adjacent urinals. And, if I happen upon an acquaintance, a greeting and small talk is the usual. In a bar, wisecracks may occur (usually something about “renting” beer).

No looking, though.

And I’m guessing your reference to “pissees” refers to a state of inebriation. If not and I have to choose, I’d much rather be the pissor.

A story…

It was wintertime many years ago, a Friday. I went out with some buddies from work to have a couple of beers. When we were leaving, the guy I was riding with said he needed to go to the bathroom first. He went into the bathroom to take care of business. Then I decided that I should tap off a couple of psi before the long ride home. I entered the bathroom and saw my friend standing at the urinal. Just for the hell of it, I said, “Heyyyy! Nice penis!”

He turned to look at me.

Evidently, the guy standing at the urinal and my friend (who was in one of the stalls) had the same taste in winter coats.

No, I didn’t pee. I just turned and walked out, laughing hysterically. When my friend came out to the car I explained the situation. More laughter.

Until I quit that job, whenever we’d run into each other in the hallways we’d always greet each other with, “Heyyyy…”


My point was: No talking in restrooms!"

I can not emphasize the “no talking” rule enough.

Don’t talk.

Do not talk.

You are in a bathroom. I am touching my penis. Do not talk to me.

I can’t remember if it was the Foundation series or one of the Robots novels, but Asimov had this rule so engraved into society that talking in the men’s room led to social problems outside of the men’s room. Meanwhile the women’s restroom was pretty much a rec center.


I remeber the mention in one of the Aasimov robot novels of a criminal caught because he couldn’t force himself to talk in the bathroom…but it was only mentioned in passing–perhaps from a previous one of em?

Thanks Sofis for that cool little game. It reminded me…

I completely forgot… WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS!!!
There is nothing worse than just finishing your business while watching that guy who finished just before you go straight to the door and open it without washing his hands… you then have to try to guess what part of the handle is cleanest, or get a grip on some part of the door you assume to be ‘untouched’ (like the lock). Failing that, you’ve got to wait till then next guy walks in, or get some TP and use that to buffer your fingers from the dirty handle. Or am I getting too Howard Hughes???

What about rules for pissing contests? What are the rules for that? Are people allowed to cheer when someone is standing 10 feet away and still getting it in the bowl for the most part?

So I guess cell phones are out?

I think the novel you are thinking of is Caves of Steel. It was one of the first two R. Daneel Olivaw (sp? been too long since I read them) novels.

As to bathroom ettiquette: wash your hands afterwards and don’t compare packages. Other than that, live and let live. I realize we all live in a horribly repressed society that teaches us natural bodily functions are shameful and must be hidden away from polite society, but that doesn’t mean we have to knit our own straghtjackets.

This looks like a job for