Male Gay Bar Etiquette

When gay men go out to a bar and looking to pick up, how do they work out the details?

I mean, if a man see’s another man he’d like to try and pick up, how does he figure out if that man is his “type”? I mean, how does a Top know he’s trying to pick up a Bottom or vice versa?

Do they simply ask? Is there some kind of secret code or handshake?

A bi male friend once told me when he’s in gay bars it goes like this for him -

  1. He spots a guy he likes
  2. Goes up to guy and they have small talk for 5 mins.
  3. My friend says “Wanna fuck?”

yes, there is a secret elaborate code that is exchanged in a few glances and waves of the hands. you learn it after you get your toaster oven for converting 5 or more former hetros into the collective.

but seriously, it is all about actual human communication, pheremones, and sometimes jsut plain being disapointed in that once home, he isn’t what you really expected. though a friend of mine insists that he can tell alot about a guy by body language, and how he positons himself. I think it is all bs. and you can’t go by body type, because sometimes the smallest guys are the active, and the big ones the passive, when you might think it is the reverse. (hate that top/bottom lable btw)


Back in days of yore, wasn’t there a handkerchief code or something? Maybe just in the movies. I think mostly it’s done the same way everyone else does it. But not being a gay chick, I wouldn’t actually know.

These “top” and “bottom” roles are hardly universal. Some people are neither, or both, or offended by the broadbrush classification.

Back in my going-to-gay-bars-and-tumbling-into-strangers’-beds days, often enough I’d go home with a cute guy and we’d wind up cuddling, or just talking. I’d have been terribly offended if I’d been expected to conform to some Tab-A-Slot-B role which someone had made up for me.

Sleeping with strangers is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

Hanky code You don’t need to know them all, you just memorise the ones you might be interested in. However, it’s pretty hard to tell the difference between some of the more subtle changes in colour while you’re in a darkened or crowded club.

You can usually tell by a guy’s demeanor what he’s out for that night: shy and demure if he’s a sub-bottom, slutty and flirty if he’s a pushy bottom, or strong open body language if he exclusively tops, for example. Dress has a lot to do with it; a leather queen who’ll only be able to dominate you thoroughly if he’s dressed in half a dead cow, will come to the club dressed in said-dead cow. Other than that, I’ve always pretty much used AngelicGemma’s friend’s method, apart from the smalltalk part, which is seldom necessary and a waste of valuable time :wink:

Amen to that.

Oh wait a minute… damn! I’m hetero! Am I eligible to get offended by it anyway?

Gay or Straight Bar Etiquette:

Look around.

One of three things will happen. The person you approach walks away, or they ignore you, or they nod and you talk.

If the night is young, talk is witty.
If the night ain’t young, “wanna fuck” seems to work in all cases.

I don’t think there are that many differences in Gay vs Straight Bar Etiquette - except Gay guys might possibly hook up a little faster and easier simply because, well - having sex was probably 99.9% of the reason they came to the bar.

I hear straight people go to bars to drink and watch sports on TV.

I know gay people go through a bunch of shit but this is a great perk.

I heard some European gay magazines have personal-ad pages with an elaborate system of codes. The code would be printed on top of the page. An ad there would look something like:

030 (=area telephone code). Guy, 34 (= age) 85 (weigth in kgs) 1.79 (length in cm) seeks 01, 03, 12, 24. Likes 03, 15 and 22. 02, 11 need not apply.

Poetic, huh? But, practical, etiquette-wise.

Sounds like somebody needs to sue the mohel!

And to dance!

That’s so gay.

This is really a brilliant point. When a person “comes out”, a big part of what he/she is doing is throwing off the Tab-A-Slot-B penis/vagina straightjacket. And yet some of their fellows would then have them take on new roles that are as strictly conformative as the traditional hetero penis/vagina thing! Heh. The irony.

(And yes, I do know straight people have all kinds of creative sex – or some of you do – and heterosexuality is not, for you, a straightjacket. I’m just sayin’.)

Don’t you mean Tab-A, Slot-C?

Or Tab A and Slot C and Slot R…

which shouldn’t be taken as an admission of any thing!:smiley:

Hankies were ubiquitous during the 70s and 80s, especially with the Levi/Leather crowd. In a way I kind of miss them - you knew exactly what someone was into, and with a little creativity and imagination you could individualize your statement.

These days you’re either a “top” or a “bottom,” and any alternative designation is unfortunately marginalized.

“Top” and “bottom” are pretty much well defined in the gay community. “Versatile” is basically a bottom with a big dick who likes to top every once in awhile. When guys ask me what I am I tell them I am a “side”. If they stare at me blankly I pass. If they laugh and agree I am good to go!

I guess it would be polite to ask, “Can I push in your stool?”

One big problem is that people tend to make assumptions based on stereotypes. They assume that the big, brawny linebacker who’s hung like a stallion is a top, and the skinny little pipsqueak who’s hung like a chihuahua is a bottom.

If anything, the *opposite *is often true. I very often get approached by guys who want one thing only, and when I tell them I’m not into that, they act like the purpose of my life should be to fulfill their fantasies.

As the feminists have taught us: Biology is not destiny.