Lesbian/Female Gay bar etiquette and personal ads

In My Humble Opinion
1

(I sort of copied some of this from the male gay bar question)

When gay women go out to a bar and looking to pick up, is there a masculine/feminine or dominant/submissive and how does one get picked up or do the picking up? Is a butch type woman less likely to get picked up than a feminine one, or does the butch/dominant/or whatever type have to take the initiative/aggressive role and do the approaching and asking to dance, etc? The personal ads I have seen seem to suggest there is a difference.

I have seen butch looking females with butch looking females, feminine looking lesbians with feminine looking females, etc all different combinations, but when I see the lesiban personal ads looking for partners, most of the ads placed by seekers seem to want seek thin/young/submissive/passive type women, few ads seem to seek butch types. Are butch types more likely to want feminine types or do feminine types want butch types or feminine types?

Yeah I know different people want different things, and there are all sort of combinations and different preferences on an individual basis, but I mean “in general”, or what is “most likely” the case. Anyways, in almost any situation where 2 or more people form a group, one is usually the leader, and another the follower.

How many lesbians are butch/dominant/masculine/aggressive, how many are feminine/submissive/passive, and how many are neither? does everything work out evenly in the end with everyone matching up in proportionate numbers, or is there shortages of certain kinds?

If 2 straight woman went into a lesbian bar, would they get hit on? How do lesbians tell if another woman is straight or lesbian?

(no offense intended if I used any politically wrong words)

2

I’m not gay, but my experience tells me that the pairing of gay women pans out the same as hetero pairing. All types like all types. My lesbian girlfriend, who is not physically attractive in the shoved-down-your-throat American sense, found her true love and you’d never in a million years have picked them as a couple.

And yes, you might get hit on (happens to me all the time. Lesbians seem to be attracted to me), but you’d be expected to handle it the same way you would handle unwanted advances from a man in a bar. A simple no-thanks is sufficient. If it isn’t, mention it to the management or leave.

3

I’m not gay, but my experience tells me that the pairing of gay women pans out the same as hetero pairing. All types like all types. My lesbian girlfriend, who is not physically attractive in the shoved-down-your-throat American sense, found her true love and you’d never in a million years have picked them as a couple.

And yes, you might get hit on (happens to me all the time. Lesbians seem to be attracted to me), but you’d be expected to handle it the same way you would handle unwanted advances from a man in a bar. A simple no-thanks is sufficient. If it isn’t, mention it to the management or leave.

4

You left out the femme tops, butch bottoms, genderqueers, drag kings, high dominatrixes, trannybois and girly-girls.

Then there’s the rest of us, the lesbian schlubs. We’re the middle aged ones with pot bellies ordering bad beer and wondering how the fuck we got so old, and geez, maybe I should quit wearing Birkenstocks with highwater pants and colorful unmatched socks, then throw away all those Chris Williamson LPs and buy some Pink. I should mention that we rarely get picked up, unless some trannyboi needs help with his women’s studies homework. So take this response with a grain of salt:

There are no rules; roles are there to turn you on, not create a lesbian social pecking order per se. In short-- you like, you chat up. You buy drink. You ask to dance, if there is dancing. If not, and you happen to be in, say, a lesbian sex club, then there are two things you do: one, marvel at the fact that you are in a “lesbian sex club” because you can count them on the fingers of one finger; and two: you like, you chat up. You buy drink. They ask you if you are into safer sex, are you fragrance-free, are you vegan because if not, they can’t have sex with you because they might inadvertently digest some kind of animal product and that would negate the cleansing ritual they did just before coming to the club.

As for ads, the general rule of thumb is: you put one out, you get some lame responses, and then your best buddy has her girlfriend leave her for the gas meter reader so you date her because face it, she wouldn’t be your best buddy unless you’ve been secretly and desperately in love with her for years. So you can now safely ignore the lame responses to your lame ad. Fortunately for you, this works out because you already know your best buddy already supports the fact that you’re a femme who is a performing drag king in order to get in touch with your inner male. That and at least it’s something to do with that theater degree.

Of course, other lesbian’s experiences may vary. Wildly.

5

I usually ask. BTW, don’t forget about bi women.

Or you could move to Eugene with the rest of us.

6

I want this on a t-shirt.

7

takes hat off to mojave66

Excellent! :smiley:

8

Haha mojave66 :slight_smile:

A somewhat relevant tangent to the OP…

Because of the amorphous nature of the Dykedom, the residual (and often unfortunately limiting) tendancies to insist on some sort of rigid dichotomy as a pre-requisite for a relationship, and the human tendancy to be somewhat hesitant, shy, or lacking of confidence in meat market settings…my favorite place to socialize is a queer country bar here in Atlanta called “Hoedowns”.

Why, you ask?

There is a somewhat enforced dichotomy when it comes to “parnter” dancing, but I can honestly say that sometimes such a dichotomy can be liberating in the right environment…such as a queer 2-stepping dance club. This dichotomy is genderless, topless, bottomless, and lacking of any sexual pressures and innuendo (unless you want them to be there). You either lead or you follow at any given time. Many can do either. All you need is a partner who is willing and able to do (or learn) the opposite, and a good song. Dancing (at this particular bar at least) is not an assumed analogy for sex. Femmes lead butches. Androgynes lead Androgynes. Catchers lead Pitchers. Bears lead drag queens. Nelly boys lead bulldaggers. Fag hags lead their fags. You can reverse it and add all other combinations thereof.

The cruising environment is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.
You might very well find that the best way to get the attention of that gorgeous girl in the corner is by dragging her gay male companion onto the floor and triple-spinning him as you breeze past her vantage point (don’t forget to smile). Then later (once she’s convinced that you’re Arthur Murray incarnate) you might make a little more progress towards her phone number if you wager that you can teach her how to swing within the span of a single Dixie Chicks song.

There’s also a “bar rule” that if someone asks you to dance, and you decline, you are not supposed to dance with anyone else for the rest of the song. It keeps people civil, and it keeps people dancing.

It is the only overtly social queer environment I have ever experienced (aside from Pride) where all of the nuances of the queer community melting pot co-exisist in harmony, regardless of gender (or lack thereof).

If these concepts frighten you, there are always the Hoedowns folk that I completely do not understand…they don’t come to dance…they’re the folks who come to stand on the sidelines to voyer, drink, chit-chat and participate in the same old BS that goes on in every other bar in town.

Thank you, Dad, for teaching me all of your dancing tricks, and especially how to lead, back lead, and teach others how much wholesome fun partner-dancing is.

9

I don’t know what ads you’re looking at, but the (very rare) Women-Seeking-Women ads I see run locally typically go something like “N/S Prof GWF, 35, seeking F 25-50 for camping, movies, fun.” Gay men, straight men, and even straight women all seem much pickier. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed a W-S-W ad that mentioned a preference for thin women, submissive women, or even young women except when the woman placing the ad is young herself and wants a partner in her age group. Some do ask for butch or femme, although those seeking the same as themselves seem about as common as those looking for the opposite.

Heck, I’ve seen several W-S-W ads in which the between-the-lines message was clearly “I’M NOT ASKING MUCH! IF YOU’RE A BREATHING HUMAN FEMALE WHO LIKES OTHER BREATHING HUMAN FEMALES, PLEASE ANSWER THIS AD! DEAR GOD, I’M SO LONELY!” Which is probably why I don’t read the personal ads all that often; it can be kind of depressing.

10

<quickly hides “past personal ads” portfolio under the desk>

honeydewgrrl, if you ever make it to SF or I ever make it to Atlanta, let’s go dancing. I’m a pretty decent lead and my wife is a great follow. In fact, that’s how we met-- at a bar much like the one you describe so beautifully. I loved the mix of people that went to the C/W bars to dance. The only bummer was that my wife was usually the only person of color there. I swore if I ever got to DJ I’d throw in some Tejano, salsa and jump blues into the mix. There’s some damn good partner dancin’ in that.

[/hijack]

11

Funny on so many different levels, just woke the wife laughing.