Oh fuck. That’s funny. I know guys like that too. :smack: 
Introduce the qualifier “nothing else available”, then yes, by all means go ahead and drink the Imitation Beer. 
Hetero Man would pulverize anyone who offered him a Zima, however.
It’s also advisable to perform this outside of this woman’s view, lest I demonstrate the proper use of my Staff of Attitude Adjustment.
I think that just about all males need to visit a hardware store at least once a week, possibly more often, even if they don’t really need anything from the store. It’s sort of like cats or dogs marking their territory.
Word. And this is almost the only kind of store where it is acceptable for a man to just visit and browse what’s on the shelves. For food, clothing, medicine, anything else, if you have to go to the shop then you get what’s needed and be gone. Tools, on the other hand, it is acceptable to mull over for quite an extended period. You may decide after due consideration that the MkXVIII Widget Wrench is only going to be useful once a decade and would probably only take up space in your toolshed for 99.9999% of its life, but if you don’t at least weigh up the pros and cons and take it off the shelf and fiddle with it, you’re probably on the slippery slope to a full body wax and a pair of eyebrow tweezers.
Addendum: A woman like that makes me feel all oogly and mushy inside, and I swoon and… Uh, I mean, fuck yeah, bitch.
Addendume to Rule #1: Tits is good. Power tools is tits.
While gathered for sporting events, any trips to relieve one’s self must be announced just prior to departure, along with a reference to the urgency or expected mass. Use of the term “restroom” will be met with a two hour penalty shunning.
One should go to all possible lengths to avoid calling a penis a penis. Most any other term will do. If you must, change the e to an a and hold it for four seconds, as in paaaaaaaaaaanus.
An intimate knowledge of nail, screw and bolt applications is essential. Bonus points for the number of times one of them has punctured you.
Clothing:
-
a pair of shoes are not worn in unless they have been at least one trip in the trashcan
-
underwear and socks never wear out, they disintegrate
Urinating:
- shaking it more than three times when finished is considered jerking off
- Hetero men must at all times have one sports franchise that they are actively rooting on.
- Men’s beach volleyball or tennis do not count.
- Women’s beach volleyball or tennis count.
- Hetero men should at all times maintain control of the TV remote.
Wow. That sounds exactly like many, many evenings in the Lissar household.
“So, if you don’t expect to get cut in a knife fight, you’re delusional. Look, the point is to minimize damge. Like this.”
What all this talk about pisswater beer being more manly? Real men drink real ale. As my SO campained for. Now admitedly he’s…well there’s no delicatly way to put this…English. And an acountent. But he’s aslo a Captian of Industry and a guy who does two chicks at one night (I know, I was one of them). So even if he’s pale and weedy I think he still counts.
And he wouldn’t be caught dead drinking Bud. Good beer or a stiff burbon.
I don’t even know what a Zima is.
It is perfectly acceptable for a Hetero Man to walk around with a finger that may have been fractured after all, and only realise something was wrong at a deeper level when the dull ache and restricted motion haven’t gone away after six days. Hetero Man must, however, not complain about it.
Please do so. and I could write an essay about the ways I don’t conform to it.
Ah, yes, the Coronary Corollary.
And don’t forget the Porkchop Corollary: Whenever served a porkchop, any man under 35 must immediately impersonate Peter Brady (badly) impersonating Humphrey Bogart, to the roll-eyes and loud sighs of any female diners present.
Oh come now. HeteroMan knows what a Zima is. It’s what that girl he dated for two weeks always ordered.
Addendum to the beef/pork rule: If chicken is prepared in such a way that it contains more fat and cholesterol than beef, it is acceptable as a food.
In late November, turkey is acceptable, so long as it’s swimming in gravy. It is imperative to stick one’s hand down one’s pants during the subsequent nap.
Power tools are a neccecary component of the H-M’s arsenal, the more power tools the better, if they’re cordless they’re worth more Man Points
a H-M must have access to a piece of diesel power equipment, truck, tractor, construction equipment, car, whatever, diesels are cool
all H-M should own at least one firearm and be proficient with it, the amount of Man Points assigned to a firearm are based on it’s caliber, biggest scorers are 12-gauge shotguns, 30-06 and 30-30 rifles, and any handgun with a caliber of .38 Special or above, .22’s are neutral, as they are useful for target practice and skill building, but any Man wishing to retain his H-M standing when using a .22 MUST also have a more powerful firearm accessable, .50 caliber rifles are overcompensation, pellet guns have NEGATIVE Man Points, however the Minigun is the epitome of Man Points
a H-M must go out to his vehicle, start the engine, pop the hood, and stare appreciatively at the engine for no reason
appropriate hobbies for H-M are knife collecting, target shooting , model rocketry, off road motorcycling, and performance modifying their vehicle (basically anything requiring explosives or sharp, pointy bits of steel)
a H-M’s vehicle CANNOT have any useless cosmetic mods (spoiler wing, fart-can exhaust, carbon fiber trim, useless body kits, etc…) unless said vehicle also has the required performance modifications (Turbo, bore-and-port, agressive camshafts, etc…) a true H-M vehicle has no cosmetic mods whatsoever and is a “Sleeper”
one other thing…men don’t have periods
Bah, punctuation is for wimps! (commas, parentheses and exclamation points are exceptions 
)
By definition
Acceptable? Normal.
The only time H-M goes to the ER is if he’s sufficiently weakened that his woman can get him there or in the back of an ambulance. Gaping wounds that allow one to see the bone are taken care of with another beer, and maybe calling a buddy - “Dude, I can see my leg bone. Come over and bring more beer”
It is permissible for a Hetero Man to have kitchen appliances, provided that they are heavy, loud, and dangerous items that incorporate high-powered motors, a lot of solid metal, and a three-prong plug. Any appliance that does not have a three-prong plug. or uses nylon gearing, is insufficiently robust.
These requirements, of course, place the appliances in the category of “power tools”.