Hexagonal Water!

[RealityChuck]

I got a mailing today advertising . . . quack! quack! hexagonal water! Your key to RADIANT, GLOWING HEALTH! And selling the Vitalizer an “Extremely Powerful Tool to Advance Better Health.”

At $500 a shot. With an extra $85 cartridge free!

It’s a marvel of bad science. For instance:

“Have you ever wondered, for example, why snowflakes are always six-sided? Each snowflake at first consists of a single hexagonal water molecule.”

Except that water molecules aren’t hexagonal (I’m not even sure how that term could be used to describe individual molecules).

The Vitalizer looks like a fancy blender. It’s “scientifically documented” to do the following:

1. Structure Water – powerful magnetic and infrared forces reduce the size of individual water clusters, creating Hexagonal Water for more rapid penetration into your body.
2. Increased Oxygen – turbulent forces create a visible vortex, increasing the amount of oxygen in your drinking water - up to 30%.
3. Add Minerals – a mineral core within the unit releases structure-making minerals during the vitalizing process to help structure the water and increase alkalinity.
4. Add Energy – the resulting energy in Vitalized water is enough to begin to balance the organs of your body – within minutes after drinking.

1. “Infrared forces”? You mean “heat”? Even if you don’t, infrared is not a force; it’s a wavelength.
2. Actually, a true claim: stirring water does add oxygen.
3. Possible, since there is a core of minerals you pay 85 bucks for, so some might dissove. Probably not much, though.
4. How is the energy added? The “infrared forces”? How does it remain? Generally, when you increase energy, the liquid gets warmer, but one doesn’t need a $500 device to heat water.

Of course this is supported by the research by Dr. Mu Shik Jhon.

I tell you, this mailing contains hours of entertainment.

[NinetyWt]

Does it mention Ice-Nine?

[thelurkinghorror]

Huh, it’s not on the website of the Onion nor National Lampoon.

All I know is that this gives me an idea for octagonal water - “Because 8 is better than 6.” And it will add both energy and chi.

[RealityChuck]

@NinetyWt

Does it mention Ice-Nine?

I thought of that.

By the way, Dr. Mu Shik Jhon died three years ago. So much for revitalizing.

[OtakuLoki]

Ha! I thought the name was familiar!

Why don’t you suggest that they make use of the technology that made the original Vitalizer such a hit!

(Maybe they should rename their product the Vitalizer Minus[sup]TM[/sup], since it lacks radioactivity to make the hexagonal water carry more energy!)

[Napier]

This reminds me of an amusing story. I work for a somewhat high-tech company, in R&D, often with polymers. We were approached by people who said they had the ability to modify molecular structures in various ways with some high-end physics, and they sent us a couple of papers.

The papers arrived and I could not understand them, even though I’m a physicist. They were talking about time-reversed Hertzian waves and quantum mechanics and all sorts of stuff. But it was not obvious that they were quackery - they were just too obscure for me to follow.

No slouch, I. So, I called friends at the large University nearby and got introduced to two physics professors who teach quantum mechanics and modern physics, and got them to read the papers. And THEY couldn’t tell, either. They both said the papers weren’t clearly legitimate but also weren’t clearly quackery.

So, meanwhile, the people are asking us, can we work together on my polymers. Tell me more about what you can do, I ask. They say, well, lots of things. Name one. Well, we can increase the density. So I ask what substances they can increase the density of, and they say, lotsa substances. How about water? Yes, we’ve done that, certainly. I ask, you can make ordinary water denser? So, chemically, it’s water, but it will have a higher density? Sure, they say.

So I say, if you send me some water that is denser than normal, then I will go further with you, start arranging visits and tests and secrecy agreements and all. And they say, Great!

And then they say, How are you going to evaluate the water?

Uh… I’m going to weigh some.

Weigh it? You mean, like, on a scale? A balance?

Well, yes. Measure out some volume of it, and weigh that.

Hmm. We haven’t tried that.

OK, I ask, how do YOU know you’ve made water denser?

We measure the molecular shape. We can make the angle between the hydrogens smaller, which makes the molecule more compact. They pack more closely that way.

Really? REALLY? Well, how do you measure the molecular shape?

We examine it microscopically, of course.

You mean you put some under a microscope and look? What kind of microscope?

It’s, ah, it’s a Bausch and Lomb. With a camera on it.

You examine the molecules WITH AN OPTICAL MICROSCOPE?

Suffice it to say, this is as far as we went.

[Terrifel]

I recently found an old bottle which once contained “D[sup]r[/sup] KING’S NEW DISCOVERY.” Apparently this was a patent medicine advertised as a cure for tuberculosis back in the 1880s. Active ingredients: chloroform and morphine. No mention of hexagonal water. Somehow they also overlooked radiation as a selling point.

I think there’s an argument to be made in favor of products such as the one in the OP, which are satisfied with just lying their ass off about magic water, instead of actively trying to kill you.

[OtakuLoki]

@Terrifel

I think there’s an argument to be made in favor of products such as the one in the OP, which are satisfied with just lying their ass off about magic water, instead of actively trying to kill you.

I agree. There is a lot to be said for quackery that’s effectively harmless. (Except to your wallet.)

Of course, if you look at some of things that were treatments at the time that D[sup]r[/sup] King’s was current you’ll be even more frightened: The original edition of the Merck Manual apparently had a listing for the medical uses of strychnine, and suggested using arsenic to treat male pattern baldness! :eek:

Which makes the idea of the use of mercuric salts to treat syphilis look benign.

[Terrifel]

Now that I think about it, one of my co-workers may own a Vitalizer (not the radioactive kind). The other day she asked me if I knew anything about “small water.” Oh yeah, it’s this new kind of water that’s… smaller. Than regular water. So the water molecules can get into your cells faster, which is good. I tried to suggest a few ways in which this made no goddamn sense, but without any obvious impact on her enthusiasm for the product. I’m not a water expert, you see. I don’t have a doctorate in Water. I’m pretty sure she used the phrase “water clusters” though.

She also believes the jackelope is a real animal.

[Ogre]

@Terrifel

Now that I think about it, one of my co-workers may own a Vitalizer (not the radioactive kind). The other day she asked me if I knew anything about “small water.” Oh yeah, it’s this new kind of water that’s… smaller. Than regular water. So the water molecules can get into your cells faster, which is good. I tried to suggest a few ways in which this made no goddamn sense, but without any obvious impact on her enthusiasm for the product. I’m not a water expert, you see. I don’t have a doctorate in Water. I’m pretty sure she used the phrase “water clusters” though.

She also believes the jackelope is a real animal.

Wow. Why pay? Water clusters fall from the sky all the time. In fact, this morning, hexagonal water clusters were falling from the sky. :eek:

[RealityChuck]

@Terrifel

I recently found an old bottle which once contained “D[sup]r[/sup] KING’S NEW DISCOVERY.” Apparently this was a patent medicine advertised as a cure for tuberculosis back in the 1880s. Active ingredients: chloroform and morphine. No mention of hexagonal water. Somehow they also overlooked radiation as a selling point.

Well, technically, the “infrared force” they talk about is radiation, but they don’t want to mention that.

However, as part of their speil, the do use pictures taken with kirlian photography. Proof positive!

[friedo]

@Napier

We examine it microscopically, of course.

You mean you put some under a microscope and look? What kind of microscope?

It’s, ah, it’s a Bausch and Lomb. With a camera on it.

You examine the molecules WITH AN OPTICAL MICROSCOPE?

Well, B&L do make really good microscopes.

[Terrifel]

@Ogre

Wow. Why pay? Water clusters fall from the sky all the time. In fact, this morning, hexagonal water clusters were falling from the sky. :eek:

Well, we’re in Florida, so we seldom get the hexagonal variety down here. But then Florida is really the original source of bogus water claims in America-- the Fountain whence all the others spring, as it were. We continue to do fine even without fancy “hexagonal water.” For what is health without youth? And what animal remains young and vital for its entire lifespan? Yes, my friends: the Alligator! Reptile scientists have proven that the mighty Alligator continues to retain its strength and youthful vigor for up to seventeen hundred years or more. What is this ancient lizard’s secret of immortal life and beauty? You need only look at its surroundings to know the answer: swamp water-- or, as Hydromedical Physicists refer to it, “quagmolecular aquazine.” Nature’s complex, life-giving blend of moisture, nutrients, tannic acid, and terrapine micturation, aged and filtered to perfection!

Troubled by aches and pains? Missing limbs and organs? Subject to fits, lack of potence, or feminine vapors? Suffer not in silence! Step up, one and all, for a bottle of Professor Terrifel’s ‘Floridian Midnight’ Electric Elagarto Elixir! Healthier than radium! More flavorful than coal-tar! So secret it’s unavailable! Purchase yours today!

[danceswithcats]

@Terrifel

Troubled by aches and pains? Missing limbs and organs? Subject to fits, lack of potence, or feminine vapors? Suffer not in silence! Step up, one and all, for a bottle of Professor Terrifel’s ‘Floridian Midnight’ Electric Elagarto Elixir! Healthier than radium! More flavorful than coal-tar! So secret it’s unavailable! Purchase yours today!

Send me a case! Do you take PayPal?

[Tuckerfan]

Seeing this thread and having watched the $cientology Orientation Video (give it a google, it’s fascinating), I’m thinking that being a semi-honest guy isn’t worth all the hassle and I should just start my own religion and start selling quack medicines.

[Ale]

@OtakuLoki

The original edition of the Merck Manual apparently had a listing for the medical uses of strychnine, and suggested using arsenic to treat male pattern baldness! :eek:

I guarantee you that, by starting the treatment early on, you`ll have a head full of hair for the rest of your life.*

*Aprox. 3 weeks.

[Sage_Rat]

@OtakuLoki

Of course, if you look at some of things that were treatments at the time that D[sup]r[/sup] King’s was current you’ll be even more frightened: The original edition of the Merck Manual apparently had a listing for the medical uses of strychnine, and suggested using arsenic to treat male pattern baldness! :eek:

Wow. Next thing you know they’ll be giving people nitro glycerine for heart ailments!

[RealityChuck]

Here’s the amazing video.

[cmyk]

Holy shit. This explains everything. Hexagonal water brings life back into dead water. Which must be what gives this creature life!

[Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension]

@Ogre

Wow. Why pay? Water clusters fall from the sky all the time. In fact, this morning, hexagonal water clusters were falling from the sky. :eek:

We have hexagonal water clusters arriving hourly. We have so much we’re having to move massed clusters with shovels.

Order Now.