Hey, all you "Mr. Right will come along someday" Pollyannas?

The BBQ Pit
61

I’m quite familiar with Pollyanna. I even know who Hayley Mills is.

And I didn’t realize Eve was transgendered. Considering that all ANYONE is, here, to me, is text on a screen, I tend not to worry too much about gender, hair color, breast size, penis length, or credit rating, if you know what I mean. I do tend to remember whether a Doper is male or female, if the matter comes up, but other than that, I don’t pay much attention. My mistake.

Nor did I intend to be condescending. What I saw was basically a thread in which lonely people were giving voice to their loneliness. At best, this is “venting.” At worst, it’s self-pity.

NOT that I can tell which is which. Eve, as well as all of the rest of you, are somewhere else. Me, I’m just here with my monitor, that’s all. And I am not so arrogant or so stupid as to know for sure who’s just venting, and who’s feelin’ sorry for themselves. Not that it’s any of my business, anyway.

But I know how you feel, I think, those of you who posted in that thread. I felt the same way, once, myself.

And then, very unexpectedly, things changed. And if they can change for me, I suspect they could change for ANYONE.

And that’s all that I really meant to say. No patronization intended. No insult, no harsh words, no harsh feelin’s. I guess you could interpret my message as “Don’t give up hope”… which, I suppose, could be interpreted as “pollyannaish.”

Then again, the literary Pollyanna wouldn’t give up hope if she was gang-raped at high noon in the town square by fifty giggling perverts, either… hence the fact that her name now seems to be a synonym for “mindless optimism.”

I’m sittin’ here bitchen’ about the fact that I’ve been publicly insulted, so I’d figure that lets me out of THAT category.

If one is happy without a significant other, peachy. I certainly understand what a pain in the bahonkus an SO can be, in terms of compromises and adjustments. You wanna go without? More power to you.

…in which case, perhaps one should start a thread titled THE GLORIES OF BEING SINGLE, as opposed to hijacking someone else’s thread (and, perhaps, intent) and then railing about how others don’t agree with YOU.

62

What do you mean, bullshit? Are you saying that’s not what happened to me? (Okay, not with roses and chocolate, but it’s basically how it happened).

Look, if you’re happy being single, bully for you. I spent years very unhappily single, though, so if I see someone like Incubus complaining about being single, I empathize with him, probably more so than does someone who is happy about being single.

I also know, from my own days of unhappy singlehood, that part of my problem was that I became a goober when I was actively looking for romance. The parts of my self that were attractive became obscured by the parts of me that were unconfident, cringing, and gloomy. It was only when I stopped looking actively that the unconfident cringing gloomy stuff went away, letting folks see my attractive features.

And I think that’s a valid point to pass on to folks who are still looking. If you’ve stopped looking, the point has nothing to do with you, so I’m not sure why you’d call bullshit.

I suspect that some happy single people get harrassed about their status by friends and relatives who don’t believe they can be happy single. Viscerally I have a hard time understanding the idea of happy singlehood, but intellectually I can understand and respect it, and I think most other folks here are the same. Don’t assume I’m (or other folks’re) being patronizing or condescending when we tell our “I stopped looking and then I found love” stories; we’re not only not being patronizing, we’re not even talking to you if you’re happy being single.

Daniel

63

I also hate it.
I have at various times looked, not looked because I’ve been too busy, been myself, been other people, done activites that I liked, participated in groups.

In general, I’ve had a good time, met friends, grown as a person, etc. What has not happened is ever meeting anyone at all. When someone tells me “oh, just do <fill in the blank>…” it comes across as another attack on my already shredded self esteem. It comes across as an insult - that I obviously did everything wrong, because if I had done it right, I wouldn’t be where I am no. It is not helpful, it isn’t nice, it isn’t offering hope. It’s mean.

I especially hate that one, because most of the people I know who say this are lying.

I was there. They were looking (or if not, they were doing a damned good imitation of looking. However, in their head, they’ve re-written the story to be one where it just dropped into their laps. How romantic…but throwing their lie in my face is not appreciated.

64

Just want to point out that it wasn’t december that was confused, it was ruadh:

65

Now I’m confused. What was confusing about ruadh’s post?

66

Not true! (Well, at least with this single female poster.) I completely understood why you were annoyed, and I was rather annoyed myself, even though I am one of the ones who is still hoping.

I didn’t mind Jenaroph and Scarlett, because they seem to understand that they were only addressing their comments to part of the audience, but I thought the rest of the posts just came off as gloating and smug.

Particularly the ones posted after your warnings. I am of the opinion that some of those posters were deliberately trying to be annoying.

67

I saw “Pollyanna” when I was small, but I much preferred the TV remake “Polly” with the little girl from the Cosby show. As for Hayley Mills, I liked her best in “The Parent Trap.”

68

Oh, fuck that. I mean, I know you’re saying “most of the people [you] know,” but you’re pretty strongly suggesting that this is a washed-up story. It’s one thing to call bullshit on it for yourself; it’s another entirely to suggest that it’s probably a lie.

I’ve gotten in three relationships in my life:

  1. In high school, when I decided to drop out and run away from home (yeah, yeah, I was a dumb teenager), the day before i planned to leave I ended up in a relationship.
  2. After living in a town for 14 years, I ended up in a relationship 6 months before I planned to move away forever.
  3. After making real, consistent, and active efforts to find a relationship for four years, I ended up in one the same weeknd that I swore I was not going to look.

I’m not saying this’ll work for you; but it’s the height of arrogance to imply that I’m lying when I say it’s a pattern in my life.

Daniel

69

Note: the slash before the equal sign (in ruadh’s post) indicates “not equal.”

70

Unfortunately for some of us (e.g., me), those “unattractive features” are the first things people see…and the things we have the least control over: our physical appearance.

I am destined to a life of single-hood, not because of any emotional baggage, but rather because I have been scientifically determined to be as unappealling to the opposite sex as it is possible to be. I am 33 and have never even had so much as a second-hand “gee, he’s kinda cute” compliment, much less a direct one.

Short of plastic surgery (which I’ve already had in excess, and which to a large extent is responsible for my not-so-good looks, being of the reconstructive, rather than elective, variety), there is very little hope for me. While there may be women out there who claim they aren’t interested in appearance, my experience has shown that such is simply not the case. Add to that the fact that I am something of a nerd, and my chances become essentially zero.

So, while it’s all well and good to offer hope to the lonely masses, keep in mind you’re making a number of assumptions. If I were even of average appearance, I’d be inclined to believe such stories could happen to me. As it is, they serve more to depress the hell out of me, really.

71

You mean they remade the Mary Pickford version?

72

(Before…after…what’s the difference…)

73

Okay, that’s fair enough. I’m a skinny little pale guy who gets called ma’am far more than most guys do, but some folks say I have good hair. Although I’ve seen some guys that I thought were hideous in relationships, I just figure they’ve got something I don’t have: namely, they don’t turn into goobers when they’re attracted to someone.

Nonetheless, I responded earlier to Incubus in a thread because I felt I could empathize with him. I never got the impression that he thought he was especially fugly, and so when I responded to him, I wasn’t taking that into consideration. I was just mentioning something specific that I knew had kept me single, and suggesting that maybe he had a similar mangy-dog-who-wants-some-lovin’ vibe going on, a vibe he might want to attend to. It was in no way meant to suggest that a MDWWSL vibe is the only thing that keeps people single, and so I’m not sure why people feel hurt or angry when those of us who have (or have had) such a vibe mention it.

Daniel

74

So now I’m the one that’s :confused: …

75

Since when? Seriously. I’ve seen “!=”, “<>”, “not =” (in the case of a certain jerk I used to work with), but “=/”? What arcane symbology is this?

To the OP, I can empathize. There have been many periods in my life when I thought I would be alone for ever. Hasn’t happened so far, but the feeling is not helped by chirpy, optomistic comments from those who have gotten lucky.

76

But I wouldn’t feel embarassed about a crush on Mary Pickford.

BTW, the book is online for you people who weren’t subjected to it as children.

77

I have to say, I agreed with Eve when I read her post on the original thread and then again here. I do understand that a lot of people are unhappy being single and posts saying “don’t despair” were meant for them and not me. But I’ll try to explain why those kinds of statements can really rub someone the wrong way.

How many times have I heard something along the lines of “don’t give up, the right man will come along when you least expect it?”

About every time I talk to my mother. Every time I get together with friends I haven’t seen for a while. Nearly every time I tell someone I’m not seeing anyone seriously. And sometimes it comes out of nowhere from people I barely know and we’re not even talking about dating or relationships. If I try to explain that things are the way they are because that’s how I want them, I get the “you’re protesting too much” speech. Really? You were the one who brought it up.

Mostly, I smile and nod. I know people mean well. But sometimes I get really damn sick of it. My life ain’t all that bad people!

Sure, many people will find the right one after having given up on ever doing so. But, then again, some won’t. There are people will be single their entire lives. Some will choose that life. Others would have preferred to be married, but it just won’t be in the cards for them. The latter group won’t neccessarily be miserable because of it. Nobody gets everything they want.

I want to be witty, eloquent, and sophisticated like Eve. But I had to look up “prespossing”

78

Oh, now, Eve — Just when your friends have said this to you for the thousandth time, just when you’ve given up on anything changing, just when you’ve resigned yourself to hearing such Pollyannaish bullshit from well-meaning people for the rest of your life, when you least expect it, your dreams will come true: Flying piranhas will descend from the sky and chew off Pollyanna’s head.

79

Eh, I’d date a transgendered gal…

80

Happy couples are True Believers, they just can’t help trying to covert you. Nod, smile, add arsenic to their tea.

I missed the original thread, but I’m unapologetic about most people just not being my cup of tea…period. I’ve never had anyone I’ve been/ lived with who I could see staying with long-term.

Speaking for myself, it’s damn annoying to be told that ‘any guy’ would be lucky to have me.

I don’t disagree. I am not single because of self-esteem issues. And I’m positive neither is Eve. Fuck affirmations, you can love yourself oodles and oodles and still recognize that you are a rara avis, which few will appreciate at first sight (and don’t tell me appearance and age doesn’t factor in all too often. I call bullshit on that one).

I don’t care to marry ‘any guy’, I’ve met him repeatedly, and we haven’t hit it off.

Plus I know just a BIT more about what he’d have to put up with than anyone else does. And also what I’m willing to put up with in turn. The truth is most people who can’t/won’t get dates aren’t interested in dating most people who’ll date them. Not even if you think we’d make a cute couple, really. Life’s too damn short to torture yourself with the company of idiots.