I student came into my office, and I just got lost in trying to keep up with the details of their thesis, and not making it.
So, OK, I suggested a lot of work, and also a written framework to guide future discussions. (I have had the problem of the student assuming I’m more up to speed than I am before).
And I noticed she was getting a little distressed, so I tried to be sympathetic-- I mentioned how easy it was not to realize how others weren’t as into it, how important and interesting the work is, how hard it is what they’re trying to do… and it was all like gasoline on the fire. Sobs, tears, blowing noses.
Yeeks. What did I do wrong? Should I have shut up when the tears started? I’m new to this.
I’ve been known to cry when I’m under stress and persons of authority show me compassion. It’s stress and nervousness that has an inappropriate way of revealing itself. It might have something to do with balling up my courage so much for a battle (like when trying to present something to a professor) that when it doesn’t happen things just fall apart.
Since she’s a student there’s a good chance she walked into your office stressed and on the verge of tears, your being nice just helped the dam burst, nothing you could have anticipated or done anything about.
The worst thing you can do at this point is to bring up the subject again and remind her how she humiliated herself in your office. (Unless you want to foster a reputation for being a bad ass thereby assuring that no students will want to talk to you again).
It is hard to say, but I am doubting that you did it wrong. From my own youth, I recall being so insecure, so terrified that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, etc. that your gentle suggestions would have probably crushed me. Well, actually, it was cyclic, because there were also times when the world seemed to be mine. But if you caught me during the down periods, it would have been horrible. My guess is her self-doubts about her ability to complete took your suggestions and blew them out of proportion. Of course, I could be wrong.
Don’t feel too bad, nogginhead. When I’m stressed out and speaking with a professor, I tend to end up in tears, too. If your student is anything like me, I’m sure she appreciated your kindness and sympathetic attitude. I wouldn’t necessarily bring up the situation with her, but it might be nice to maybe sort of check in with her and see how she’s doing; it’s always good to know that your professors actually care about your wellbeing.
I take it by thesis you’re referring to some later-stage university/college student? How mature can this person be if they cry over a paper? Should they really be in college? Can they adequately deal with the real world? “Oh, someone offered to share my taxi. How compassionate. Waaaaah sob boo hoo sniffle teardrop”.
Graduate student. (We called them theses, not dissertations, in my program.)
First of all, there’re no maturity tests at entrance… many of the more immature people I know are faculty members, and don’t even talk to me about the students!
Second of all, have you done a doctorate? It’s pretty hard, and very stressful, over a prolonged period of time. This student is at a point where she’s got almost nothing concrete to show for well over a year of work. It’s pretty dispiriting. And I think I made her feel (OK, recognize) that there’s still a lot more to do before she’ll have much finished.
Maybe it’s the vodka, but I’m imagining like, Odin sitting there sobbing across the desk from some little mousy professor, blowing his nose in a big hanky and saying “Why is everyone always picking on me?”
Uh. . . J_kat, what he said.
I’m in my 7th (aiee!) year of my program and I have never cried in front of an advisor as a point of pride and that actually makes me exceptional. You can watch months/years of work go down the drain, a project suddenly extend out in front of you endlessly, or suddenly realize that you are wasting your whole life and aren’t cut out for this (with months/ years invested), or you are suddenly about to be an additional unexpected 30 thousand in debt, or you suddenly realize that you are 34 and forgot to have a baby, or your spouse is tired of waiting for you and wants to get their life rolling, or any number of things that might make ANYONE cry. Grad school isn’t a cake walk. It’s a career, and comes with all the demands of a very involved project.
Nogginhead-- my advisor has a small ‘dorm fridge’ in his office stocked with gin and tonic fixin’s that he’s been known to offer in horrified male confused moments of student-tears. “Uh. . . uh. . . uh. … would you like a G and T?” (I don’t think anyone’s taken him up on it although I would). He’s well known for having no clue what to do in these situations. You’re ok and in lots of good company.
j_kat_251 is full of crap. I’m glad you recognize that, nogginhead. Women often cry during important, emotional confrontations. It doesn’t mean they’re weak and can’t handle things, it means they’re different from men. Tears don’t even necessarily mean you’re not handling things (though in this case, I think she was justifyably upset). I’ve cried when angry because I’m overcome with emotion and that’s the outlet. It can be frustrating for women, but it’s a reality. Fortunately there are a lot of understanding and compassionate people out here in the real world and we get through these episodes.
So don’t feel responsible, Prof. Nogginhead, you didn’t “make” her cry, it was her reaction to the situation. On her behalf, thanks for being so nice.
(That said, I’ve enjoyed the amusing comments, obviously meant as jokes.)
What Ellen said…twice, even. The tears flow from emotional stress. I cry when I get incredibly angry, completing reducing the weight of my arguments, and the fact that I’m crying makes me even more angry and…well, you can see the problem. There have been times when I’ve cried when being corrected, mostly because I’ve felt so badly that I hadn’t done something right. I like to do things right. Not that I’m all together successful in that desire, but I do try hard. When I don’t, I can be very disappointed in myself, leading to tears. She may have felt disappointed in herself or she may have felt she disappointed you. If she respects your opinion, it may have been difficult for her to deal with that. If you know that you presented your critique in a positive way (I like to call it constructive correction), then there’s not much you could have done differently and still said that you’d done your job as a teacher.
Next time you see her, be casual but a little extra kind and I’m sure she’ll be grateful to you.
What others have said really. You didn’t make her cry. Chances are she was already as stressed as hell, especially if she’s got nothing concrete to show for over a year’s work - its kind of like how I’ve been feeling recently, and especially the bit about there’s a lot more work to be done. It does get dispiriting, and people can break down quite quickly about it.
Like I said, she was probably stressed anyway, and making her realise she had a lot more to do probably did more for the tears than anything you said or did. I know when my supervisor’s pointed out that I’ve still got so much to do before I publish my first paper, which she wants publishing by July at the latest, I felt on the verge of tears, and would have cried, except I’m too much of a stubborn so and so to cry in front of her.
And on preview - Salem you’re absolutely correct - its the emotional stress that reduces otherwise highly intelligent, competent graduate students to floods of tears.
