I didn’t mean it bad or anything. Black jelly beans was the first thing that popped into my head when I saw the OP.
OK, now you’ve done it. You went and opened a poop thread, and now I must inflict upon you the Two Poop Stories.
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Pooping a happy face. I swear, I shoulda taken a photo of this one 'cos nobody ever believes me. I’d finished my business and stood up to make sure I wasn’t bleeding (won’t go too deep into this one, but I had to). There it was - six pieces perfectly positioned to make a smiley face, right down to the nose in the little well at the bottom.
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Pooping a figure eight. One of those ones that want out NOW and you can’t do much to hold 'em back. The high-velocity extrusion made it curl back on itself into a perfect figure eight.
There was also the time I had one that looked like a mayonnaise loaf, but I suspect that was the pint of Ben & Jerry’s I’d had the day before.
I can’t believe I am going to write this, but what the hell.
My best friend’s birthday is one day before mine so we always plan something fun to do together. A couple of years ago we decided to drive to the casinos across the border in Wendover Nevada (better known as Bendover).
I’m not sure what the problem was, whether it was the long drive across the salt flats or something we ate, but during the drive we both had to poop. Aside from pooping our pants, there was no place to go so we just kept driving (and farting and laughing and farting and flashing truck drivers and farting and laughing. . . ).
Anyhow, by the time we got to our hotel room, neither one of us could go. We suffered for most of the day and into the night with that old constipated feeling. Late that night, she said that she was going back to the room to poop. I was REALLY jealous!!!
About 45 minutes later I get a call on my cell phone. It is her calling from the room. “HURRY!!! Come up!!! I have to show you something!!!”
I tell her that there is no way I am going to come up there and look in the toilet. First, I really don’t want to look at her crap and second, it would just remind me of how bad I had to go myself.
She tells me to just get my ass up there, that it isn’t what I am thinking. Okay, so now I am thinking that maybe she found a couple of cute guys and we were going to hang out or something.
I get to the room. No guys, nothing.
She tells me that she knows I don’t want to look in the toilet, but I have to see this!!!
No way, I mean she was in there for 45 FREAKING MINUTES! It has got to be gross.
I won’t go into details, but maybe it was the booze and maybe it was just to get her to shut up, but she finally convinced me to take a peek.
There floating in the toilet was the tiniest little turd I have ever seen. It was about the size of pencil lead and about 1/4 inches long. It took her 45 minutes to give birth to THAT?!?!?
Gawd, I gotta shut up.
Oops, one more.
When I was in the 5th grade I went camping with one of my friends and her family.
On the way home, the inside of the car stunk really bad no one could figure out where the smell was coming from. After we got home, Denise step out of the car and a turd fell out behind her. Before we left camp she had gone into the woods to poop and one of them fell into the cuff of her pants.
When I came back from spring break my freshman year, pinned to my door was a note and a packet. The note said that one of the persons on my floor had gotten viral meningistis over spring break, and that we were to take the pills in the packet as a precaution. I took the pills.
I went out that night and got seriously polluted. At one bar, I stopped in the bathroom for a pit stop. My urine came out a reddish-orange. The thought screamed through my befuddled mind: “That’s blood!! I must have meningitis! I’M GONNA DIE!!!” Soon thereafter, I passed out.
Of course, it was a side effect of the pills.
Sua
And I thought comin’ out of a portapotty with TP stuck to your shoe was bad…
One time I overdosed on tandoori chicken, and it turned my shit brilliant neon pink.
Way, way back when, I had a housemate with a fetish for the Cookie Monster. His girlfriend made him a cake shaped like CM, with blue frosting. She said she had to put lots of blue food coloring in it to get the right color. I had a couple of pieces, and passed green turds for most of a week.
Oh, matt_mcl asked what makes your urine turn bright blue. There was a MAS*H episode where they did this to someone. I think it was methyl blue, a harmless dye used to stain specimens for better viewing under a microscope. I think that’s what it was, any way. Ask your doctor - supposedly this stuff is used all the time as a legendary prank in medical school.
When I eat too many Oreos, the next day my poo is very dark and very smoooooth.
Every once in a while I find a wonderful watermelon at a local stand and eat the entire thing for breakfast, lunch, and supper for as many days as it takes.
By the second day I am peeing a lovely shade of peach.
One time my 3 year old nephew ate a blue and a yellow crayon. They came out green.
Methyl blue is right - that’ll turn your pee blue (or green, depending…)
I once had a roommate that was very proud of the size of his turds. He’d show off the really huge ones. He once took a picture of one that was so long that it was sticking out of the water. I kid you not.
Every poop is an adventure with a toddler in the house! Here’s my favorite one:
When my daughter was teeny-tiny, back when her poops were still Grey Poupon-ish and unformed, I was changing her diaper when she sneezed…bare-butt.
A stream of poo shot out of her behind as if her butt had turned into a super-soaker. It arched over the edge of the changing table, gradually losing altitude until it hit the wall five feet and ten inches away!!!
Yes, I measured. I had to, I was suprised that such a tiny body could projectile poop.
A couple years ago, we a cake at an office birthday party that had a frosting clown and balloons on the top. I got a piece with a big blue balloon on it, as did my most despised boss who was sitting next to me. For the next couple days, my poo was green. It concerned me at first, until I remembered the blue balloon blob. Call me simple, but I took a perverse? sadistic? stupid? delight in knowing that my most despised boss was going through the same thing.
ROFL! When I stop laughing I’ll probably be disgusted. Come to think of it, that belongs in the “band names” thread…
Another poop story.
A couple of years ago a good friend of mine was going through chemo. I am not sure if it was the chemo or one of the other medications she was taking, but she would have explosive bowel movements that had to be timed just right otherwise she would crap her pants.
One night while sleeping over at her boyfriends house, she had to get up in the night and use the toilet. As she was sitting there half asleep she happened to look sideways and see a huge spider on the wall next to the toilet. She screamed and jumped into the tub.
Her boyfriend came in to rescue her only to stand there laughing his ass off. Then he told her that the spider was actually a splot of poop she had done earlier in the night on one of her mad dashes to sit before one of her explosive poops.
He had planned to clean it off the next day.
What’s a mayonnaise loaf?
LMAO… you lie!
This is the sickest thread I have read today. I have one ;). I occasionally drink a malt beverage by St. Ides its tropical flavored and bright blue… I ALWAYS have bright GREEN turds the next day… almost neon.
Anyone else see “poops” instead of “oops” there?
My two cents, or something…I had some trouble with urinary tract infections last year. The analgesic given turns your pee dark, dark orange, almost red, and stains clothing. It is indeed a weird sight.
As far as crap goes, I’ll duck describing some of my movements and go for weird European toilets: When I was in Romania, my whole team was weirded out by the little dry “shelf” the crap gets dropped on–for your inspection, of course, before being flushed away by a high velocity stream of water.
Oh no she doesn’t! I’ve got little kids, and I’ve been nailed by projectile poo. Been peed on & barfed on too. Motherhood is such a joy!
Baby diapers aren’t too bad, until they start eating something besides formula & baby cereal. Then the poo starts coming in an exciting array of colors! It’s not just the food that causes it, either. Kids will stick darn near anything into their mouths. Crayons, bugs, paper, hair, whatever they can get their little mitts on. My son has a peculiar fondness for carpet lint. I’m good about getting the stuff out of my son’s mouth, since he’s only 10 months old and doesn’t quite have the cast-iron constitution that his 3-year-old sister has. My daughter still enjoys a good crayon snack. She likes Blue’s Clues applesauce too, but it never turned her poo any colors.
I’ve been married 18 years, and I still couldn’t prove that my wife goes ‘potty’. I guess that’s a good thing, because she sure as hell know I do.
When my son was just a wee lad, he once excitedly called his Grandma into the bathroom to look at his ‘onion ring potty’.
Whoever talked about the OREO shits above… I hate 'em! I feel like I’m trying to clean up black tar afterwards.
Even before computers were the rage, there was a list of different types of ‘poopies’ that was always pretty funny. Men have good relationship with their poopies. If you release a good one, it’s pure sa-tis-fac-tion! It must massage the prostate on the way out. (the man’s G spot?)
The ultimate shit… releasing a 10 pounder, and the toilet paper still comes back clean. Man that’s livin’! A person might only get 3 or 4 of those in a lifetime!