Hi. I'm that girl. I'm that desperate for misc. input.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I know you can’t help me with definitive answers. But I’m really looking for feedback and ideas which relate to my musings. So, here’s the situation. I’m 24 and I can’t figure it out. I feel like I’m too old to be this “confused” if you can even call it that. I have a solid sense of identity in terms of my personality, likes, and dislikes, and despite my insecurities, I’m confident. I just can’t figure out how I feel. Or what I want. Or how I feel relates to what I want. If you haven’t inferred, this is turning in to a post which seeks input on orientation–living up to the promise of my title.

In high school I never had a long term relationship that I ever felt too strongly about. I dated guys here and there, and I believe I had intimate experiences with a few which were influenced by both attraction and a desire to be sort of cool; nonetheless, I never remember any intense sensations. Later, in college, I dated a gay guy (well he was gay) for about eight months. And, this guy is the hottest guy (in my eyes). I love him so much, and we are still incredibly close. I prefer his company to all others. Nonetheless, when we would have sex, I really wanted to please him and make him feel good. Yet, despite my attraction to him and his personality, I rarely would become tangibly aroused. I’d have to secretly use lubricant because I didn’t want him to feel insecure, but I still wanted to have sex. It would get better the second time. I half-convinced myself this was due to feeling “inadequate” because I wasn’t his preferred sex. Sorry I’m giving you TMI here. I feel at liberty in doing so but this is a message board, but the purpose I’m sharing is because I’m trying to differentiate emotional attraction from physical attraction and finally physiological attraction (i.e. feelings vs. desires vs. genital response).
So, moving on, after him, I had my first and only experience with a girl. Though I was never previously involved with a woman, I remember feeling warmth that I didn’t quite understand in high school when I would sit close to a few select girl friends. I rarely feel this way with guys. Anyway, she was great. I felt great. And I had no problems like I did with the guy before. In contrast, she didn’t quite know (nor did I) what to do in order please me. My aversion and insecurity regarding the fact that I had never had an orgasm at this time made me dissuade her from trying. But, as with the guy, I enjoyed giving. Since then I haven’t been with another girl, I’ve actually only ever had sex with the one guy I told you about earlier. I’ve dated other guys, and I think they’re attractive. For the most part, I only find some women and some men attractive. And I guess that’s pretty normal……(?)
So, from the time I graduated college until now I’ve had a few relations with males, mostly with the same outcome (no pun intended J). I convinced myself that my lack of physiological response is because I lacked an intense emotional connection—as I did with my previous two partners. I thought, “I just have to find a man with some depth…he’ll come along and then I’ll be happy.” I also thought that if I couldn’t find a man that I was deeply physically attracted to, I would just look for someone who I connected with emotionally on every level, and give give give…and then consult my newly discovered vibrator friend to make up the difference during sex. I’d imagine I’d be good-to-go with some prepping. I thought: I could live like that. Nice man, cute kids, good jobs, useful vibrator: The American Dream
This really then all boils down to insecurity regarding societal expectations. I know that’s a pansy response. But, if I try to pursue the question—Who would you choose to be with if you had NO expectations to fulfill? If your parents had NO expectations regarding your marrying a man and having children? If you wouldn’t feel at all like you’ve been living an emotionally covert life in bottling all this up and keeping it from any life-long friend?.. And yet, I can’t answer that question assuredly. Not without question! It’s really frustrating to feel like you know yourself so well and not truly know beyond the shadow of a doubt, the answer to that. And then, I think, does anyone really know the answer?
Right now, I’m finally back on the market after two years of just focusing on my grueling job. When it rains it pours, and now I’m dating two guys. We’ve just started, so don’t think I’m playing anyone here. Four dates each, roughly. I like them both. But I’m definitely more attracted to the one. Now, it could have been the wine…but, sitting across from him at the table, I felt something. I often feel a subtle yearning for him. I’m sorry to use physiology as a gauge repeatedly; I hope you get the gist that I’m looking for something far beyond what the body registers. But, it seems to be a factor that I don’t totally understand. I often don’t talk about this with other people verbally because I haven’t voiced any of this to people I know. Typically I’m good at seeing where people are coming from, but…here, not so much.
I’m looking for guidance and advice. I could try to be with a girl again, but if that only reinforces the very little I understand, I feel like I’m paving a road that’s far more difficult to lead. I hope that’s not offensive. I admire and respect decisions of being entirely open and free-spirited. At this point, this proposal makes me return to the first conundrum. This former decision, if I chose to go down there, would REALLY cause upheaval. I know if I loved someone enough, I’d do it. Without a doubt. But, why would I look for a path that will begin with pseudo-chaos (being with a woman long-term) if I can find one I like equally that doesn’t involve chaos (being with a man long-term). I feel like I need time, commitment and depth of emotion to feel…. Am I oversimplifying!?! AH! Help me.

2

“Oversimplifying”, with that wall of text? Hardly; in fact you are doing the opposite - over-thinking it. Paralysis by analysis. Guys hate that (girls I can’t speak for).

Just take a relationship as it comes (hah!) and don’t try to second-guess where it will lead. Try just enjoying the time you are spending with the person you are with; you will at some point either come to the realisation that you want to spend more time with them still, or that it’s been fun but was never going to last.

3

I tend to believe that society can go screw itself and it’s expectations and my parents expectations should be that I’m happy, well adjusted and have a good life. Being gay and in a long term relationship with another guy, owning a home, having a good career and all that jazz certainly meets those expectations.

If they want to be pickier than that and have the expectation that I’ll marry a woman and raise kids, then they’ll have to get used to disappointment. Which is their problem, not mine.

I realize that doesn’t completely help with your situation, but my point is that you need to figure out what’s best for YOU regardless of what society or your family wants.

4

Go with what you feel, don’t overthink. You’re 24. If a guy makes you happy (in many ways), go for it. And as a side note, guys love nothing more than a woman who is confident in herself, makes strong choices, and doesn’t overanalyze. I am a guy (although some have tried to convince me otherwise, but we won’t go there) and I can say that we’re pretty simple like that. You will be fine. :slight_smile:

5

Sure. **Stop worrying about labels so much. **

Human sexuality isn’t a box of neapolitan ice cream that comes neatly divided into three tasty flavors. It’s is a big sloppy casserole of biological drives, emotions, societal expectations, role playing, personal experiences, needs, power, social status, and (if one is lucky) some slightly abrasive rope.

Having a physical relationship with a woman in college doesn’t brand a big scarlet ‘L’ on your soul for the rest of your life. Neither does the fact that you never felt really into it with your gay friend. I don’t want to be pedantic, but if he wasn’t really into women . . . he might have just not been very good. If you’re the ‘pleasing’ type especially, being with someone who’s not pleaseable is not going to be much fun.

In short, maybe there was something besides genitalia that made your relationship with your female ex more comfortable than with your male ex. And you would hardly be the first woman who wasn’t able to fully enjoy the arts of love until her mid 20s . . .

You might be a lesbian. Which is not bad. (Among other perks, you’re allowed to have a faux-hawk) Or you might be bi, which isn’t the end of the world, either. (You get to complain about BOTH sexes, and you never have to pay for drinks) And who knows, maybe straight sex, with a guy who’s into chicks, will be so mind-blowing you’ll turn your back on women forever! (Ok, that one never happens, but it’s theoretically possible)

But it’s not a box you have to check right now, and then live by your answer forever and ever. Honestly, it sounds like you’re using your worries about the possible ramifications as an excuse to avoid dealing with all the risk and mess and bother of having a relationship. No shame in that, I have tendencies toward that kind of thing myself, but you don’t want to get yourself stuck in a permanent holding pattern.

Since you’re currently dating a guy who you find physically attractive, how about this. Instead of trying to reason out whether you’re really attracted to him or just trying to convince yourself you are, why don’t you just relax, trust your lady-parts, and see how it proceeds?

I don’t mean just jump into bed with him, but you’ll eventually reach a point where either you’ll want to give him a guest pass to the HazelRazel fun park, or not. If not, find someone else, and repeat.

The advice would be the same, incidentally, if you were currently dating a woman you found attractive.

Whichever way it ends up going, I’d strongly advise against the ‘find someone compatible, get married, and suffer and lie through the sex’ plan. For many reasons.

–
Bisexuality, of course, would be the chocolate in the human sexuality neapolitan. The Ben & Jerry version is called Neapolitan Complex, and has little caramel bits shaped like Marilyn Monroe and your parents. Cashews, too.

6

What everyone else said. Here’s my version of a summary:

  1. Blank lines between paragraphs help with readability.

  2. You’re overthinking this. Labels aren’t always helpful, and women’s sexuality can be very fluid. Go with who you find interesting and see what happens from there.

  3. Needing lube isn’t automatically a failing of you/the relationship/the other person. But try for more foreplay, and explore for yourself what you like.

  4. Also, relax. Sex is supposed to be fun! If you worry over sex like you write posts, that probably isn’t helping with the lube/orgasms situation. :wink:

7

Relax and be honest with your partner(s). At that age relationships come and go. Take everything as it comes and don’t overanalyze it.

I wish I could go back and tell myself this to my 24-year-old self. It would have made my life so much easier.

8

Don’t worry about it so much. Sounds like you’re just approaching that age when you start to question everything you’ve ever been told you should be. So go with it. Figure out who you are, truly, regardless of what your parents or society wants you to think. Let go of your inhibitions.

If you like girls, then like girls. If the place you live isn’t conducive to that, move somewhere more liberal. By the time you get married (if you’re smart and wait a while), I doubt society would care much.

If it turns out you like both girls and boys, well, good for you. It’s way too early for you to think about settling. Keep meeting people of both genders and be open to whatever happens.

All in all, it’s just not a big deal… and will become even less of one as time goes on. Relax.

Oh, and spaces between paragraphs :wink:

9

First, I really appreciate your taking the time to read my long post. I’ve never put these thoughts on paper nor voiced them, so that’s one reason why it read like a rant.

Second, Got it: use spaces. I, incidentally, was also a message board virgin before yesterday.

(I’m done numbering…as evidenced by the long-winded post, I’ll probably be up to eight…or at least five) Overanalysis and I have a love hate relationship. I love analyzing. But not this. So, that’s another good thing to be called out on. (look I’m doing it now!) Overthinking about oneself is definitely painful. I’ve been better lately, but sometimes I think about not thinking when being intimate. I find some happy ground in fantasy…but it’s something I’m working on it. This is tough to do when thinking about how to work on hyperreflection inherently contradicts the purpose of your thinking…that might have been nonsense.

Ura-Mura- I really enjoyed reading your post! You’ve gotta be a writer on some level (mad style points!). You also addressed some latent anxiety which I hadn’t thought of (avoiding baggage of relationships), and gave poignant, bold-faced, advice which I’ll definitely be taking. Loved it. Just to be clear: I NEVER have to stop wearing a faux-hawk if I’m a lesbian?!? See, all this time, I thought I’m often approached by girls in clubs because I have some kind of hybrid-cocktail mix of a pheromone. All this time, it was the hair.

Many of you have alleviated my anxiety and made me feel more inclined to go with the flow, and less pressure to make the Right Choice. Thanks for counseling me.

10

Just running my eyes down your paragraph, the one word I saw was “boils”. Now, for boils, the best thing to do is repeated hot compresses. Eventually it’ll burst and drain and the pain will go away like magic. If you get them often, you might seek the attention of a physician.

Is this helpful?

StG

11

See, I tried that, but…(i allude to this in my post) the puss is just unsightly and unbearable. Physicians scare me. any other suggestions?

12

I’ll just echo what everyone else has said on your opening post.

On the boil issue I’ve heard sacrificing goats can have good results.

13

Boo! Boils are often caused by Methicillin resistant staph aureus!

Did I scare you? :wink:

14

AAAAHHHH! cowering in corner; boils popping sans assistance from hot compress!

15

Your bedside manner fellates, Dude.

With great alacrity.

:slight_smile:

16

Go for this guy.

It might not work out, but the other guy is a worse choice. If it doesn’t work out, repeat. You’re 24, for chrissake. You’ve got a decade and a half to make up your mind. And that’s just biologically.

17

First of all, I would like to give you, on behalf of the SDMB a space bar and a whole heapin helpin of carriage returns. You’re welcome!

Ok, now on to your post. You’re not over-analyzing, you’re ruminating. You’re playing things over and over in your mind and it’s making you more uncertain, insecure and anxious. Just do this: Go with your gut. First thought, best thought. If your instinct is to go with the first guy, then do that. Relax, have fun, be safe, enjoy.

Ahhh…to be 24 again. :slight_smile:

18

It’s OK to overanalyze; your sexual identity is important to you so of course you obsess about it.

Be that as it may, consider these ideas for possible relevance in your life?:

•Some people define their sexual orientation as “per the person” and not “per the sex”; that is, if you are attracted to Susan that doesn’t mean you are a lesbian, it means you have a thing for Susan; if you are turned on by Timothy that doesn’t mean you are hetero, it means you have the hots for Timothy.

• Sexual orientations aren’t limited to straight, gay, and bi. There are many different forms of sexual orientaiton if you are female and have sexual feelings for females, for example. Butch seeking femme? Vice versa? Egalitarian but passionately into female bodies? It’s a friends thing but whenever you’re close best friends THEN you always want to touch? Or are you a guy at heart living in a female body, preop or non-op transsexual dude seeking girlfriends? Is it political, you love guys’ bodies but can’t stand guys for who they are and love women for who they are and don’t care about the fact that you don’t innately have the hots for their bodies, you want the closeness of erotic communion? The possible varieties for being a female attracted to males are equally diverse and numerous. And then there are different ways of being bisexual. Any interaction that hasn’t quite sent you over the edge deliciously is NOT necessarily an indicator that stragiht or lesbian doesn’t work for you, there are so many many subvarieties and a different flavor might feel right once you encounter it.

• Then there are the emotional factors. Do you need the excitement and thrill of a semi-adversarial conquest, the tension of either someone you get to knock off-balance and steer or the experience of being disconcerted and aroused beyond your own control? Or do you need to be in love, feeling the emotional passion and riding the biochemical high of getting totally into the other person, sighing all the time and having your eating and sleeping patterns go haywire and ceasing to be able to think of anyone or anything else? Once again, all the mechanical and identity possibilities have multiple possible manifestations on the level of the type of emotional connection.

19

If you are referring to the fluid that seeps from wounds, it is spelled ‘pus’.

If you are not referring to the fluid that seeps from wounds…then I believe we are getting to the root of your problem. :slight_smile:
mmm

20

(bolding mind)

Isn’t it hilarious how romantic feelings and OCD have so much in common? I think that’s why I’ve never been sure if I’ve been in love.