Just speant two horrible weeks questioning my sexuality.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

TMI warning. I’m telling you guys more than what I’d tell my mom.

I’m 23 and never really questioned my sexual preference before. I had some doubts here and there but I always remembered how good it feel to be with a woman. Only problem is one day I bring a girl home from a club and I can’t even get it up. I was’nt attracted to her at all. She was good looking, but I just did’nt feel that raw emotion to just lay her. I am still a virgin so that really gets me worried that my first time out I’m not even sexually attracted to this girl. Then I go out and buy my boxed set of The Shield. Well I was watching it when all of a sudden I see that one of the characters turn gay. Before he kisses the other guy they utter a line that will forever stay in my mind. The first guy says “I’m not gay”, the second guy replies “I never thought i was gay either” and then they begin to make swet love. Wow. It knocked me off my feet and all of a sudden I became light headed. It seemed my world was crumbling around me because, gee, I never thought I was gay either, and that character on the show said what I was thinking and he became gay.

So I called up a friend of mine and spoke with her about it. We hung out for awhile and talked about my emotions and I remembered that I’ve never actually been attracted to a man my whole life. Then, later on that night, I met the girl that I’m currently almost in love with. I came home that night feeling great because I was damn near in love, but every now and then my mind would tell me all my emotions were a sham and that I’m probably gay because I questioned my sexuality. Then I watched another episode of The Shield. The guy in there explained how he’s not really gay but he keeps having “Surging emotions” of gayness. I really become depressed because I mistook questioning my sexuality for feelings of homosexuality.

So for the first week I would question my sexuality and be insanely depressed while doing so. I felt like I always wanted to sleep and I could’nt eat at all. I went on a date with this girl and as much as I wanted to make her happy, I was still depressed. Something in my mind kept telling me I was probably gay and it just made me so sad thinking I’d lose this girl because I was gay. I never cry, but I speant many a night crying because I could’nt bear the thought of not being able to be with this girl because I thought my sexual orientation was going to change. I kept thinking I was never really like most guys, my feelings seemed to be hurt easily, I was never really into sports, and I always loved reading poetry or looking at art. I mean I liked fighting and other adrenaline-related activities, but I just thought that was me being latently homosexual.

The second week came and I still thought I was probably homosexual. I began to watch TV and everytime I’d see a handsome guy my brain would tell me I’d have to like him no matter how uncomfortable I felt about it. I could’nt even talk to this girl i was dating because I was so scared my feelings for her were’nt true. I was so scared of losing her. I liked her alot and I knew she liked me. She was even in my dreams every night. Whenever I was with her, I’d feel like a middle-school boy, but whenever i was alone with my thoughts, I’d get depressed and begin to think that I should feel guilty for liking her because I was probably gay. That second week was pretty normal and most of the time, when I was doing something, I would know that I was not gay and it seemed pretty silly to me that I was even questioning myself. There were spouts though, where I’d obsess over it, including many times where I’d pretend to kiss a man just to see what my reaction would be. Everytime it made me cringe…it just did’nt feel right. That did’nt stop me from questioning myself even more though. It began to feel like this was a hopeless cycle that I would’n be able to break unless I fully came out to everyone that I was gay. The only problem was that I did’nt want to be gay and I never had any sexual feelings towards a man.

I’m sure most people can relate, it’s horrible to feel pressured into being something that you are not. I knew I was’nt gay and when I’d try to convince myself of it, all I could think about was that character on the Shield, and how he never thought he was gay. Then I’d get depressed thinking about how I’d never stop questioning myself and I’d eventually force myself to become what I did’nt want to become. After I got out of the drunken frat boy phase, I never thought of gays and lesbians as anything but fellow members of my community. So I was open to the whole thing and I know my friends would understand if I was gay so I was never scared of becoming gay because people would’nt accept me, I just did’nt want to become gay because it would mean I would’nt be able to be with women anymore and I’d have to be with men.

The thing that made me most depressed was that feeling of endlessness, like I would never stop questioning myself until one day I was magically gay. Then I find out alot of people go through some type of phase where they question their sexuality and it does’nt end in them changing their orientation. Then I realized that being gay would mean that I’d have some desire to be with a man either physically, or emotionally. I know i could’nt be with a man physically because I don’t like having things shoved in my mouth and my doctor once checked my rectum for bleeding before and that definately did’nt feel good. The emotionaly part I’m not so sure about, only that I’ve never longed to be emotionally close to a guy before and that it feels really good to be emotionally intimate with a girl.

Now, the depressive bouts have been getting farther and farther apart, and I’m more able to enjoy being with this girl. I still question myself from time to time, but I gotta say, I really like being heterosexual. I guess you never really appreciate it until it’s threatened. I guess the insecurity will stop with time though.

I’ve also had alot more respect for the gays and lesbians out there and what they mustave been through when they came out. I don’t ever want to go through anything like that again.

2

I hope I don’t sound patronizing, but if you have the means, you might want to see a therapist. They might be able to help you work through some of the reasons why you are getting depressed (especially since the symptoms sound like they might be pretty intense). It does sound like you’re getting over the crisis, but having a trained professional to talk to might help to ensure the issues don’t come back to haunt you at some future date.

Just food for thought,
JOhn.

3

Question out of curiosity - How often to you get to be alone? I’ve had friends that were so caught up in their work, school, or social life that they got to be your age or older and truly didn’t even know themselves. It sounds like you may just be having a mild identity crisis that is manifesting itself in the form of sexual confusion.

Some people might say therapy is the best way to go (and maybe it is, IANAD) but maybe just spending some time alone for some personal soul searching would help you out.

Of course, there is every chance that I am WAY off the mark, in which case I apologize and you can ignore this post :).

4

I really thought about seeing a therapist for this and it occurred to me I might be in an identity crisis, but I’m still really hoping I can do this without submitting to professional help. The bouts of depression were pretty damn intense though, and since I’ve been working regularly, I’ve been pretty happy. So this is new to me. I was alittle prone to depression in my college years though so I think I may be seeing that again. Recently, I lost the enjoyment I used to have in my job so I think you may be hitting the mark with the identity thing. Seeing a therapist would be nice, but I’d have to figgure out how to see one without letting everyone find out.

5

I remember back whenever I first started realizing that I was gay (and in no way am I saying that you are).

That was one of the absolute worst times of my life. I had known that I was attracted to guys prior, but whenever I first started realizing what was going on within myself, I would feel so dirty, like I had committed some horrible abomination by even thinking about being with another man. The feeling that I would get, it’s hard to even put into words, I just felt like I would need to take a shower or something, the feeling was like a combination of guilt, self hatred, and just being dirty, or wrong

I didn’t even do anything with a guy until I was 18 (~4 years after I realized that I was gay) and I probably should have waited longer than that, because afterwards, I had that unclean feeling again.

Of course, in retrospect, those feelings I had were more of something that was imprinted in me, and thankfully, I got over them. I’m fine with it now, but your post made me remember.

I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Only you truly know what you are, and a lot of people question their sexuality at some point in their life. Doesn’t nessecarily mean that you were wrong to consider yourself heterosexual.

Take care, and I hope you figure things out. If you want someone to talk to, let me know, I’d be more than willing.

6

Evil bastard keyboard scum ate my well reasoned and deeply personal post.

Let’s see if I can reconstruct.

About the depression, get some help. That’s serious stuff.

About the orientation, well, I’ll just ramble some about me.

I was “straight” for 30 some years. Naked women caused a physiological reaction, naked guys didn’t. It seemed simple enough.

Then, at a rather messed up time in my life (my wife had just left, having decided she wasn’t straight like she was when we got married or bi like she was later on but actually a lesbian) I met a guy, we got to talking, he hit on me, I couldn’t think of a good reason not to go with it, it was nice.

It’s been nice a few times since, and will be again.

It’s also been nice a few times since with women.

I’ve never really had the problems that modro describes above, since I’ve always figured that I am who I am and that most people who might have an opinion about that are deeply stupid and shouldn’t be listened to. As such, the whole guy thing came as no more of a surprise to me than the “I would really like to be chained up and hit with a whip” thing had.

I couldn’t honestly tell you if I’m straight (the whole repeated and good sex with a guy thing says not), gay (the whole “Women, yum!” thing says not), bi (the whole naked women in general do it for me but the naked men have to be touching me to get that reaction thing says not), or put any other lable on myself.

You are who you are, and fighting it either way isn’t going to make you happy.

The main thing is, it’s not the end of the world.

7

After much soul-searching here and reading your posts, it seems i’m sure i’m not gay. What I need to worry about here is the intrusive thoughts making me constantly question myself. I’ve been doing some research and it seems like I’ve got the same symptoms of someone going through OCD. I’ll question myself and realize it’s completely irrational but my thoughts are always accompanied by an overwhelming sense of anxiety and depression. Now I really think I need to see a therapist, but I’m half sure it might ruin my career.

As for the becoming gay at a later stage in life, I understand what you mean, but frankly, whenever a man touches me I get real uncomfortable. But I do hear alot of stories about that happening and it just makes me worry more. I know i would like myself no matter what my orientation, but it seems to me being gay would force me to be something I’m really not. I just somehow “know” I’m straight, it’s sort of hard to explain.

8

Funny this should come up. I got ‘Questioning’ included on a list of sexual orientations included in a database I’m developing for the local gay and lesbian community center today.

I think that questioning your sexuality, while it’s hard, is a good thing. It’s such a large issue that leaving it unexamined your entire life seems weird. People tend to take it for granted.

If you’ve never been sexually attracted to guys, though, you’re probably pretty firmly in the ‘straight’ column. However, please keep in mind that there’s a really broad spectrum of human sexuality out there. Very few people fall into the ‘entirely straight’ or ‘entirely gay’ end of things; most people are somewhere in between. Hell, I identify as gay, but I’ve slept with a woman on occasion, in the past.

I’m not trying to confuse the issue for you; from what you say, you’re pretty straight. But labelling yourself without being aware of all the possible orientations seems like an exercise in futility.

For your orientating pleasure, I present The Kinsey Scale. From the institute itself.

My point being, no matter where you fall on this scale, there are a lot of other people out there like you.

Let me know if I can be of any help; I’d be happy to answer any questions you might have.

9

I got one. Did they ever get around to defining what “incidentally” means? Is it a dream you once had, this one person you thought about, that one time at summer camp, etc.

10

For what it’s worth, I can understand what you’re going through, myself.

I’m twenty-one years old and have been fighting nascent bisexual tendencies in addition to a life long bout with depression and possibly a mild case of OCD. Almost everything you’ve mentioned in your postings applies to me as well… hell, just reading this thread has made my stomach do flips.

I’ve never wanted to be gay although I have no issue with it… it’s just something I can’t see myself doing despite being able to look at a man and thinking he’s attractive. I can’t imagine myself cuddling with a man or holding one like I want so badly to do with a woman, nor can I imagine having sex with one but I can’t get the thoughts out of my head.

What if I’m wrong? Am I fooling myself? Maybe if I just tried it one time, I’d see how great it is and swear off women.

Those thoughts come unbidden to my mind and no matter how I try, I can’t push them out. I’ve got no issue with homosexuality… my best (and only) friend’s gay, it’s just not something I want to be a part of regardless of what my brain keeps trying to tell me.

Sometimes you really are your own worst enemy.

11

Also, as an addendum, I’ve never shared this with anyone in everyday life sans my aforementioned best friend. I’ve told a handful of people online (almost exclusively female) and this is the first time I’ve ever posted something like this publicly.

I don’t know if that’ll mean anything to you but I thought I’d share anyway.

12

Maybe, at this difficult juncture in your life, you should stop watching “The Shield.”

13

Yeah. What Snooooopy said.

I do not have any great pearls of wisdom on this matter, but I must confess: the thought going through my mind when I read the OP was, “And he’s basing all this on two characters in The Shield?”

Seriously, my heart goes out to you, I understand that you’re going through a difficult time in your life.

My thoughts exactly. I think MrVisible offers many pearls of wisdom on this matter. (Where I do not, other than to not take The Shield too seriously from now on!)

14

What MrVisible said. There is space for all of us on “the spectrum.” It is possible to be predominantly straight but have homsexual fantasies that will never become more than fantasies. I tried to “fulfill” one of mine, but found it to be boring, unexciting, and mostly just Wrong for Me once it got out of my head and climbed into bed with me.

Let yourself be who you are. You’ll be okay.

And The Spectrum sounds like a great name for a bisexual porno flick.

15

Something I’ve been wondering for a while:

you’re not sexually attracted to women
you’re not sexually attracted to men

So what? Does a person need to be sexually attracted to one gender or another (or both). Can’t a person have a fulfilling life without sex? Not that you have to become a monk, but if you have no urge to have sex, just don’t have sex.

I have a male cousin that for the longest time had never had a girlfriend. Many of us suspected that he might be gay, but does it make sense to jump to this conclusion?

Nothing in life is easy.

16

Is this the “default” MrVisible? Why would a person classify themselves as heterosexual if they have no sexual attraction for the opposite sex?

17

I agree; self-examination is generally good. I’d extend the idea to a lot of other areas too; there’s nothing wrong with questioning yourself, as long as it doesn’t take over to the extent that you are paralysed by doubt and uncertainty.

18

I really feel for you, TS, but don’t have much to add to what others have already said.

My one question is: why do you think seeing a therapist would ruin your career? Why would anyone at work even know you were seeing a therapist, much less care? I was in therapy for almost two years (many years ago now) and it never came up at work – the insurance stuff goes through the insurance, not the company. Ditto more recently after I started taking antidepressants three years ago – hasn’t come up, isn’t anyone’s business.

Don’t use that as an excuse to not get the help you need. Sounds to me like someone objective to talk to might be just what (ha ha) the doctor ordered.

Take care of yourself, kiddo – it’ll get better.

19

Not to make light of anyone questioning their sexuality, and yet to lighten things up a little…

Honey, if you’re doubting your sexuality, come spend some time with me. I seem to bring out the GAY in men, considering I’ve had a small handful of them “turn” gay on me. :wink:

But if you already know that you’re gay, I’ll warn you now that I’ve had men question their homosexuality because of me. (I still can’t figure this one out.)

what’s with me posting in so many “gay” threads this morning???

20

You might also want to look at your relationship with the girl you mention that you almost love and your feelings about sex in general. Is it possible the intensity of your feelings for her (especially getting close to having sex) have kind of freaked you out? It may be no coincidence that you’re questioning your sexuality at the same point you’re also seriously considering having a sexual relationship for the first time.

One more thing: don’t rush into sleeping with this person (or any other) just to prove something to youself. Questioning is uncomfortable, but you’ll come out of it with self-knowledge.

Good luck.