One more thing…I would’ve assumed you’re gay just from your username. T.S. Eliot was. Is this really the first time you’ve considered the possibility?
But then again, you could just really enjoy his poetry and that’s what your username means.
I think every gay men goes through this period before they come out of the closet. I know I did. Some just do it later than others. One of my friends went through this period within the last few years and he is in his 50’s now. He finally came out and is happy again. For what it is worth, he was married for some 20 years to a woman and he divorced her after he realized that men are more his style and is actually happy for the first time in many years.
For what it is worth, I don’t know anyone who “turned gay.” You fall somewhere in the Kinsey scale and choose your behavior according to what is comfortable to you. I would say that you are likely in the 2-4 range but probably closer to the 2. I am not a psychologist but I think having so many thoughts that it is distressing you is a bit more than incidental. You don’t have to have sex to make it more than that.
As for the sex thing, there are a very wide amount of sexual practices available to gay men rather than bottoming (the receiver in sexual positions) and giving oral sex. I know from experience that not everyone enjoys these and that is their perogative.
This is exactly what it is like before coming out of the closet. People aren’t taught that being gay is acceptable and just as rewarding as being straight. In fact, most people are taught that gay=bad (at least in the US) and should be avoided at all costs. This is typically why kids don’t come out of the closet, for fear of retribution. It is like an admission of being a bad person. A person isn’t bad because they are gay.
I would second finding a professional to talk to. Houston has a wonder Gay and Lesbian Community Center. Places like the preceeding link, tend to have counselors that are available for free or greatly reduced costs who can help you work through issues regarding sexuality. You don’t have to be gay to use them either. It may be worht the effort to call them (the number is on their website) and tell them that you would like to speak to a counselor and inform them about what you said here. It would likely help you to realize that you are normal and questioning your sexuality doesn’t have to depress you. It could even help you come to accept yourself for who you are whether it be gay or straight which in turn may alleviate the depression you feel as a result of the questioning. If you are gay/bi, a therapist will really help you overcome the negative feelings that you associate with “gayness” and enable you to come out or accept who you are much easier.
Thomas Stearns, here are two other possibilities you might give thought to:
bisexual
asexual
Were it not for m knowledge of the former, I’d still be horribly tormented. And it still took a total coincidence for me to figure out what the hell I was.
Coming up on two and a half years.
Well, I said I’d answer questions. Here’s my best shot.
I’d be surprised if they’d done so. I’ve always seen the Kinsey scale as a self-identification tool, more than a hard and fast means of determining labels for individuals. It’s also a good psychoanalytical tool; a therapist, when asked what the definition of incidental is, can then help a client to examine the incidents in question , and determine what they mean to him or her.
There was a great thread a while back in IMHO, where people rated themselves on the Kinsey scale. Very informative stuff. That thread also spawned another that discussed the mechanics of the Kinsey scale itself; you can find that one here.
Sure. Of course asexuals do exist. And I don’t think sex is such an important be-all and end-all that the lack of it would make someone’s life miserable if they didn’t desire it at all.
Your cousin may be gay, or may be asexual, or may be shy, or may be getting it on with the girls down at the biker bar every Thursday afternoon. Speculation on one’s own sexuality may be productive, but speculating on other peoples’ is seldom useful. Ask him, and then you’ll know as much as he wants to tell you.
I was speaking directly to Thomas Stearns, the OP, when I wrote that. He’d expressed the fact that he was attracted to women. I don’t think there is a default; people turn out the way they turn out.
TS, I’d like to second iampunha’s suggestion that you check out your insurance’s mental health provisions. Most of them have provisions for complete anonymity; your employers never know that you’re seeking help. The companies are aware of the stigma that’s unfairly associated with counseling, and want to make sure that people have access to help.
You’re all over the map, almost to the point of being contradictory.
When I read the OP the first time, I was almost waiting for a punchline, I re-read it and formed a few opinions:
[ol][]Ask yourself, if you’ve had “doubts here and there” and a non-porn video was the catalyst to question your sexuality, what’s changed to make you so certain of anything?[]Don’t base your inability to get aroused with a “good-looking” potential lay on your sexuality, it’s probably just 1st time performance anxiety.[]Speaking of 1st time, you’re a self-labelled virgin. Where do you come up with things like, “it feels really good to be emotionally intimate with a girl?” Is there some kind of new Vulcan mind-meld thing you do that’s not described in The Joy Of Sex?[]Stay away from therapists, especially with regards to discovering your sexuality. If you want to discover, you must learn to do a better job of honest, self-analysis and you have to experiment. After experimentation, you’ll come to learn that neither m/f or m/m sex is anything akin to a medical exam.Cut out the I “respect gays and lesbians” schtick with whomever you discuss this with. It has a patronizing ring to it. It almost sounds like the, “some of my best friends are black” routine[/ol]Just one person’s opinion, Good Luck.
Yeah, I totally agree. Maybe you should pick up season one of 24. There’s so much killin’ that nobody’s got time for sex or the questioning of sexual identities.
Okay, I have OCD myself, and what you described was me right before my breakdown. Right before I was diagnosed.
I’ve always had crushes on guys (I can remember being in fourth grade and thinking Ralph Macchio was just SOOOO CUTE and giggling over The Karate Kid), but I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m 24 and incredibly, painfully shy and rather insecure when it comes to the opposite sex.
Well, I had always suspected I was OCD, because I would go for periods where I would hook on to one particular fear and just freak out over it. I remember the most severe one before this was that I would get sick and throw up. I was terrified of going to bed and I would wake up every night at two am and my stomach would hurt just a bit (from NERVES) but I was just sure I was going to puke and would cry myself hoarse and drink tons of water to try and belch until 4:30 rolled around and I could sleep.
(See, previously that winter, I had caught a really nasty virus that had me puking every half hour on the half hour-nine times, I believe. Ugh).
The summer I turned 18, I had just graduated high school, and was about to start COLLEGE.
Well, I read a story about a girl who was gay, and all of a sudden, for no particular reason, I thought-what if I turn gay!
Over the stupidest things-I LOVE pretty clothes and hair styles and jewelry and I love looking at dolls and models in prom gowns and stuff. I thought-hey, I like looking at these pictures, so I’m GAY! Or I’d freak out over something stupid.
And the idea completely squicked me out-because I’ve always had crushes on guys, and I’d hate to find out that was fake, because I always got excited and giddy and lightheaded over crushes. And I liked that. And if I were gay I wouldn’t be able to enjoy that.
Suffice to say, I was miserable for six months-we’re talking classic depression-crying, doing nothing, cutting, etc, until one night, I was in the car with my mom and my sister, and I started to scream and howl and just moan. I collapsed on the seat and just screamed the whole way home.
And my mother was scared. Eventually, I found a therapist and my psychiatrist. Basically, I was put on Paxil, and started therapy. And I learned what triggered my fears-stress, usually, and suggestible things-like you read an article about cancer and become convinced you have cancer.
Guys-you all know here that I have no animosity towards homosexuality whatsoever. I just don’t want to BE homosexual myself. It would feel almost like I was ASSIGNED to be gay, that my feelings were changed without me wanting them to be. It would feel like something that was a novelty-not something natural. And I’d stop having crushes on guys, before I even had a chance to be with a guy-and that bothered me. That and I’m terrified of relationships-I freak out if there’s a possibility. So I thought that meant I was gay-which is stupid.
Look, I’m not saying this is the case with you, but if you don’t WANT to be gay, not because of any hostility towards gays, or because it would disturb you, but just because you plain like being straight, well, then, you’re probably not gay.
Trust me, OCD is no picnic. It sucks. I often compare it to having demons in my head.
There actually ARE some professions where seeing a therapist automatically means you are out of work. Rather draconian and stupid in most cases, in my opinion - apparently it’s deemed safer to have untreated mentally ill people wandering around than to get folks the help they need to function properly.
What are these? Because - while I have a clean slate right now - I’m convinced I’ll never make it to age 40 without therapy.
::Ahem::, I mean my friend. My friend will never make it to age 40 without therapy.
Yea, that’s it :.D&R::
Oh, and Thomas, feel free to e-mail me!
See, this is why I feel somewhat self-conscious in discussions about GLB issues. If only because I know that if I start analysing and I’m in a stressful period, I can start freaking out again.
Hey, it’s not like registering to vote – you don’t have to make a choice between “voting the straight straight ticket” or whatever? 
Love the persons you fall in love with, treating them as they wish to be treated, don’t worry about the sexuality aspcts of it, and enjoy life.
I’ve been happily married and in love with my wife for 28 years now – today’s our anniversary. And I’ve told before of falling in love with the young man in his late teens who fell into our lives twelve years ago this month, and how he and I helped each other come to terms with our inner selves and the things that were messing each other up psychologically. She and he are two of the three great loves of my life – his younger son, now six, who idolizes me and I him, is the third. And I wouldn’t trade a bit of what happened for anything anyone could possibly offer – they made me who I am, and I’m glad.
If you fall in love with someone, love them. It’s not the end of the world, whichever way it works out. Don’t obsess over what you are or are not – you’re you, not the resident of someone else’s handy pigeonhole of “gay,” “straight,” or whatever.
I’m going to agree with Polycarp here. I’ve questioned my sexuality, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m… me. I’ve decided to not apply a label to myself at all. It’s unnecessary and confining. I’ll date who I want to date and love who I want to love and that’s it.
If you’re dating who you want to date, don’t worry about what you “are” or “are not”.