Ladies: Why would this bother you? If he were to tell you that he hides porn only because of the natural carryover from childhood of wanting to hide and sneak porn, would your stance change? How about if he were to tell you that he hides it due the stigma associated with porn and the embarrassment of having to discuss it with you?
Gentlemen: Have you ever hidden porn as an adult? And, if so, for what reason have you hidden and deceived?
I’ve never lived alone. I lived with my parents as an adult for some time and they were aware that I watched porn (I was aware they did, too–and for the same reason: I found it on their computer), but I mean, you’ve got to hide it for propriety’s sake. Same while I’ve lived with roommates. We all knew that we all had porn, and had no interest in learning about each other’s fetishes. (Any more than we had to, anyway–one roommate kept the whole house awake all night long with her screams and moans in bed with the BF. The shit of it was, she got mad at me about something and resolved that issue by starting rumors about my GF and I keeping them up with sex noises–we stayed G-rated the night we were accused of it, but it doesn’t matter because all of my friends now “knew” what I had been up to. The same roommate once tried to pour maggots into my bed. And has skipped out on the power bill and doesn’t answer my phone calls, leaving me and my credit to suffer. Great gal.)
While I don’t want to speak for her, I assume you’re talking about Idlewild’s post, as no one else has said it’s a problem for them. In fact, **Dangerosa **mentioned and I elaborated on being bothered when we’re “exposed non-voluntarily to images that make me uncomfortable”. In other words, when it’s not *sufficiently *hidden. But even so, not leaving graphic pictures up for me to stumble on in the wee hours of the morning is not really “hiding”. I know exacting which folder they’re in, and I know the password to get in there. Since I’ve made my feelings on the matter clear, leaving those things closed and locked is an act of consideration for my feelings.
But **Idlewild **said: “I’d be really concerned if he suddenly felt the need to go out of his way to conceal his porn use.” I think the key word there is probably “suddenly”. Any *change *of behavior around sex raises alarm bells in most SOs, simply because it may indicate larger changes (re: problems) in the relationship. If, for example, I were to try and access the porn folder and find the password changed, I’d wonder what the hell was up. We don’t have any passwords the other doesn’t know, including email and usernames, and we simply trust each other not to access private things without real cause (like, I’m dead and can he inform my internet friends via MySpace and pay my online student loan payment or I’m in the car and need a phone number off a piece of email, can he look it up, that sort of thing). A change in this agreement would be a huge warning buzzer that Something Is Up.
I don’t like it when my husband *lies *to me about watching porn simply because I don’t like it when my husband lies to me, period. There’s nothing porn-centric about it. ('Though there is a bit of an added WTF because he knows I’m okay with him watching it, so I don’t get why he feels he has to lie about it sometimes. I do suspect it’s a bit of the Catholic guilt of his upbringing still working on his unconscious.)
As Jeff explained on Coupling (the UK version), shame and guilt are essential parts of the masturbation experience for men. (Jeff was at a sperm bank sitting in a “donation room”, while his GF was waiting outside, and couldn’t get off because the place was so clean and so complicit in the act.)
To be perfectly serious, I don’t actually completely agree. But it is true that part of the appeal is being secretive and naughty. IMO your insistence on having the porn folder password-protected is a boon to that side of the porn-collection impulse. That is, adding that aspect of secrecy to the porno stash adds just as much to his experience of it as to yours.
Hmm…never thought of it that way. Well, I’m glad there’s some benefit for him! I initially insisted on the password once our son got old enough to start googling “penis sex boobs”. I’m a firm believer that a young man (and young woman) should have to work to find his own porn, not just click on dad’s folder. It won’t stop him from looking at pornography, but at least it will help develop his mad haxxor skillz.
Yeah, it’s mostly about if he felt the need to hide his use now, after it’s always been open, then I’d have to ask what was going on. A lot of our relationship is predicated on open lines of communication and that would just be weird.
I should clarify though that although I know he has porn and watches it, we have separate computers, (and to open an entirely more controversial can of worms, macs, using safari, with pithhelmet, so we’ve not had porn popups run amuck ;)) so it’s not that I tend to be exposed to the specifics of what he’s watching or reading when. Same as he knows I like text porn but doesn’t really know/care how much or what kind. But if I wander past and see it up on his screen, I’d rather smirk and move on than have him alt-tabbing all over the place to hide it from me, if you know what I mean. That would imply he’s doing something he doesn’t want me to know about and after so many years of openness I would be a little WTF. If he did do that, but explained that he had up an image or images he knew I’d dislike, I’m sure I’d be able to get on with my life just fine. Certainly there wouldn’t be any particular form of inquisition.
And if his kink was secret naughty hidden porn I’m sure we’d accomodate that just fine too.
People hide things because they don’t want it to be discovered. There is guilt involved and a view that what they are doing is wrong. Whether it is porn, drinking, drugs, gambling or infidelity the person doing the hiding doesn’t want the truth to be discovered. They know that what they are doing will hurt the person they love but they justify it with the rationalization of, “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” It’s almost impossible to have an open, honest relationship when one person is lying.
And what if he says that he is hiding it “due the stigma associated with porn and the embarrassment of having to discuss it” when he is really hiding it because the images might be disturbing (girls who are legal but made to look younger, pain images, animals, whatever)? How would that make her feel if she discovers those images?
I saw what happened with my friends and his attempts to hide porn. She had told him that she didn’t like him looking at porn, that she felt demeaned by it. She felt like he was dissatisfied with her and asked him not to do it anymore.
He started hiding it on the computer in obscure folders and in his car. She discovered it and was hurt and outraged. He promised not to do it again. He did it anyway. They went to counseling. He said he wouldn’t do it again and got caught again. It has strained their marriage to the point where she is considering a divorce.
He isn’t cheating on her but he is not honest and it makes her wonder what else he might be doing. He is an over-the-road driver and is gone for days at a time. Is he cheating? She knows that he occasionally plays the lottery and they go to casinos sometimes. Is he gambling too much? He drives for hours on end. Does he take speed or other drugs?
I made the mistake of lying about financial issues when we first got married and it nearly destroyed our relationship. I will not lie to her about anything because I love and respect my wife that much. My wife doesn’t like porn and I respect her enough to not view it.
But even so, not leaving graphic pictures up for me to stumble on in the wee hours of the morning is not really “hiding”. I know exacting which folder they’re in, and I know the password to get in there. Since I’ve made my feelings on the matter clear, leaving those things closed and locked is an act of consideration for my feelings.