Just wondering what people thought of the following.
One of my best friends lived in the States. I’m in Europe. We have had this longstanding idea of me coming to visit and going on a roadtrip around the south of the USA (kind of Thelma and Louise style but smaller and without the nasty bits and the driving off a cliff). This year it looks as if it is finally going to happen. I can’t remember the last time I had a holiday abroad and have really had to save hard for this trip, so I intent to really enjoy myself. That’s the background.
Now my friend has come up with the idea of bringing along a very good friend of hers too. I haven’t met the friend, but I’ve heard a lot about her and think it would be great fun if she came. However, the friend is a single mother and has a ten year old kid. The kid’s father has not been very helpful in looking after her and generally being there for her at all. So the kid would have to come too. And that’s the problem. I’m just not good with kids. I like them and get along well but it always feels like I have to make a bit of an effort around them and that I’m not my natural self. Furthermore, I like the kind of holidays that involve drinking too much, going where the mood takes me and ending up in strange places. I’m responsible enough for my own ends but my style is just not that family friendly.
Now I’m feeling really mean. Poor kid, who by all accounts is a fabulous little lady, has been treated badly by her father and now I’m going to say she can’t come on holiday? (btw: I would not say it to her. This will be resolved without her knowledge, I’m not that cruel) Of course her mother will put her child first, so that’s basically me vetoing her holiday too, just because I’m closed minded about kids.
On the other hand. My friend and I had this longstanding idea and this would change it to some other than I had in mind. As I said before, it is taking me a lot of effort to make this trip happen and I will be broke for some time to come.
Is it mean to say no? Or is it unfair to have my holida plans changed? I’d really appreciate some objective opinions.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. There’s a big difference between adult vacations and vacations with kids. If you don’t want to spend your time off with a minor, make it known up front and don’t do it. Otherwise, there will be much resentment and you won’t enjoy yourself.
I can understand the conflict - the girl certainly deserves to have a good time just as much as you do, but it’s obvious to me that your idea of a good time is not something a child should be part of. I would hope the girl’s mother would see it the same way and not get bent out of shape because of your opinion.
Good luck working things out!
I have to ask…
What the hell is wrong with your friend? Who the heck tees up a holiday with a friend from overseas (who is coming out at great expense) and then suggests at the 11th hour that they bring along a 10 year old?
Why would she even *think * that you’d voluntarily travel halfway around the world for a vacation where part of your holiday fun is being a joint babysitter to the child of a complete stranger? Is she utterly devoid of all reason?
I mean, this woman knows your temperament, right? She knows you like partying and are looking forward to a relaxed, fun holiday in the company of grown-ups. She must know by now that you’re not into kids in a big way.
Surely, if she wants you to meet her other friend, then teeing up an afternoon barbeque together (or something equally kid-friendly) would be the way to go… but tethering you to her and her child for the entire duration is a ludicrous proposition.
I don’t even know where to start listing all the things wrong with the concept. I’m frankly in awe of her total lack of foresight, not to mention a lack of basic empathy for you.
FairyChatMom said it nicer, and came at it from pretty much the opposite direction, but we’re in agreement on one thing at least - let your friend know it’s NOT okay.
You aren’t being unreasonable. Your friend (assuming she has already talked to her other friend about this) has put you in a very awkward situation.
Even without the kid involved, she’s put you in an awkward situation. Her friend could be great, but a roadtrip with a stranger if it turns out she just rubs you the wrong way could make your vacation into hell. Friends need to be introduced slowly - not thrown together in tight quarters for a week or two at a time.
Dangerosa is correct, it’s a bad idea all 'round. Just let your friend know that you are still up for the originally planned vacation, but don’t want to do the “friend and kid” thing. You can tell her you were hoping to have more time to spend “just the two of you”.
Thanks for all your very helpful replies.
In defence of my friend, she hasn’t presented me with a decision, she was just bringing this up as an idea, albeit it an idea that she cleary would prefer to the original plan.
What makes it difficult for me to say no is that I heard all about the mother and the kid (my friend and me e-mail a lot and basically know what the other has had for breakfast as well as who each other’s friends are and what they’re up to) and have this fantasy that if we all meet up we’d all get along. It’s that kind of thing where you want your friends to meet your other friends. Now I kind of feel that, even she never even knows about it, that I have snubbed her just because she has a kid.
Then again, I do really feel that it wasn’t what the plan was. I also agree with Dangerosa that I might not even get on with my friend’s friend, even though she sounds a very cool person. You never really know what someone’s like until you’ve met them.
In the end, I have suggested to my friend that I’d really prefer to do the roadtrip on our own. Part of our plan was also a few days on the beach and I’ve said that perhaps mum and kid could meet up with us there, as that would be a more child friendly part. That seems a good compromise to me. At the moment we are all looking into the logistic part of that solution.