Today I’ve come to a point in my life where my daughter and her family’s behavior have made me hate life and Christmas. I used to love Christmas when my kids were little. It was a struggle some years, but we always managed. Both our extended families were living and it included a lot of running, but it was good.
Now my sons aren’t speaking to each other, my husband has Parkinson’s and just had a toe amputated. Taking care of him is a daily struggle. He fell the other day; I was less that a foot away from grabbing him, but couldn’t. His hip (replaced) hasn’t been the same since. My daughter and her family have all but taken over my house. They don’t live here, but the place they ended up is a dump, and we help them. However, they show me/us no respect. Her method of cleaning (when it gets done is a shovel and a dumpster) 'cause no one in the house can seem to use a trash/garbage can. I’ve helped her literally shovel more than one living situation out. Now they have no water, and no gas. The bathroom floor collapsed. Now that stuff isn’t their fault, as they/I got conned (nother long story).
What I can’t take is they want to treat my house like they treat theirs. Mountains of clothes dirty and clean. Left in the bathroom, left in the utility room. I gave them dressers in an “extra” room. The clothes get dumped on the floor or in totes. I’ve tried to sort it all, but I feel like Sisyphus. She just keeps bringing more in. There are enough clothes to dress 3 families of 6 instead of 1. I am in therapy trying to figure out why I let it happen. I’m what they call “passively” suicidal. That means I often think to myself it I was dead this would be better. I would not act on it 'cause I really don’t want to die or anything, but sometimes I think if I just didn’t wake up in the morning, I’d be better off. The catch there is my husband and my oldest son, who is trying very hard to help me, would be screwed.
I know I’m whining a bit, 'cause lots of people have it much worse than I do, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed, out of control, and smothered. I probably shouldn’t post this, but it’s been a bad couple of weeks and I need to vent somewhere. Sorry.
I know. My therapist keeps telling me that. I want to, but when he asks me why I don’t I can’t really answer. It feels like guilt. She’s (daughter) is good at guilt. Someday I’ll have the gumption to take a stand, but it feels like so much effort, and I feel tired and defeated most of the time. Thank you.
Possibly, but I’m betting on lazy as far as house keeping goes. The clothes? She is a bit irrational about those. She has a few medical issues and some social anxiety that she uses to avoid doing anything for herself…unless she really wants to and/or can’t talk me into doing it for her. I’m talking about phone calls etc. Don’t really want the state involve 'cause of the grands.
Ugh, that all sounds like a terrible situation to be in. I’m quite OCD about my personal space and would probably be losing my mind if I were trying to exist with all you have going on. It’s good that you have a therapist and venting here is always a good option.
I don’t have any good suggestions, but wanted to wish you the strength you will certainly need to cope with so many difficulties.
I’d like to thank everyone who posts to this. Whether it’s with suggestions, sympathy, even criticism. I just need a sounding board, and you’ve all kindly given me one. I don’t know what exactly triggered me today, but I was so angry and at my wits end.
I’m not at all OCD. I’m a mediocre house keeper, but I do my laundry, keep stuff picked up, and put garbage in the garbage can and not on the floor. Pretty low bar actually.
I do acknowledge that my daughter and her hub can be helpful. However, they take sooo much more than they give.
Thanks again for all who reach out here. I appreciate it so much.
It sounds to me like you are very depressed – and I don’t mean sad, I mean mired. Stuck and hopeless.
It is obvious that your daughter and her family are a problem, the way they treat you and your house. I think you should get them out, that you don’t deserve what they heap on you. I think it would be best if some switch flipped inside of you so that she can’t make you feel guilty about you getting to live a normal life, and this is what I hope happens.
Everybody deserves to not be treated the way you are being treated. YOU deserve to not be treated this way. I hope you can get past this!
I would not allow them to leave their things anywhere other than their room(s). Once they’re told this rule and ignore it, anything I find around the house would be immediately deposited back into their room (they can’t even argue with that).
After a couple weeks of this, I’d lose all patience and start tossing anything left out into a big trash can out back.
Don’t let her guilt you. What’s past is past, today is what matters.
Good luck, I know how hard parent/child issues are and what a toll they can take on your outlook.
My family is always here in numbers. My mid-Dau has been here 2+years helping me. She’s the main cook and cleaner so I do give her leeway in the kitchen about where stuff is kept. I’m very grateful to all of my kids.
But I get it. Your space is your space. Confront her. I implore you.
I like my stuff like I like it. And I will say stuff to you if you mess with it. We might come to a middle ground but I will win if you balk.
If you have room and want them there just tell her what you want and add an ‘or else’ to punctuate it.
Good luck.
Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have a close relative that
has Parkinson’s and know that what you are experiencing is heartbreaking.
Can you hire someone to help clean the house? Perhaps you can get
your daughter to pay for part of the cleaning? Also do you have a trustworthy
friend or relative watch your husband for a couple hours? This will enable
you to have some time off to have coffee with some friends, walk in a park or do
something nice for yourself. You deserve a break from time to time!
I really like @X.L.Lent idea of “me time.” Find someone reliable who can handle your husband’s needs for a few hours, and then get OUT of the house. A massage or a pedicure would be a good place to start.
When my kids were small and put me on “ignore” when it came time to clean up, I’d reach the point where I’d say, “Clean it up, or I will.”
Momma’s version of cleaning up kid crap involved a very large trash bag, and a trip to the Dumpster.
You have to have the guts to do it. If they are bright people, once should be enough. I do recommend keeping headphones or earbuds handy, to cancel out the wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Some will be belligerent and demand you pay for the items you threw away. Tell them your trash hauling fee more than cancels their claim.
If you need a cruel, heartless support buddy, I’m here for you. Bottom line: it’s YOUR house.
I’m not sure what you should do; but I think at least some of the problem is that you’re so much at wit’s end that you can’t think straight. And when you can’t think straight, it’s really hard to fix the problems causing you to be at wit’s end.
Can you check with your local Office for the Aging or equivalent, to see whether they can find you any respite care available: a situation where somebody can come take care of your husband, or you can take your husband somewhere where he’ll be taken care of, for even a couple of days – and you can take yourself out of the situation entirely and get some proper sleep, in the hope of being able to think straight afterwards?
I do think needscoffee has a good suggestion; though I’m not you and don’t know whether you can do that.
And you are overwhelmed and smothered. Just because other people are also doesn’t make that go away. And yes you should post, because you need to be able to say this somewhere!