Hollywood's love children, or the next big trend

Cafe Society
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“It’s like Jaws meets ET!” “It’s like Pokemon meets The Godfather!” “It’s like Pride and Prejudice meets Aliens meets Bill and Ted!”

It’s a Hollywood cliché: a movie gets pitched by describing it in terms of other familiar movies in order to appeal to the studio bosses without taxing their limited imaginations. But Hollywood has been consuming itself and other popular media for years – witness the endless succession of remakes, sequels, spin-offs, and films based on television shows and comic books.

Now even these traditional sources of movie ideas are drying up, and the film industry has been forced to turn cliché into reality by actually making films that are combinations of other well-known films. Witness these industry blurbs for some upcoming releases:

Star Wars Episode 3: Obi-Wayne’s World
Relations between the two Jedis become strained as Obi-Wayne keeps making the same stupid joke to Amidala (“You’re a dolla? Here’s a fiver – keep the change! Hyuk hyuk hyuk!”). Darth is finally driven to go over to the Dark Side when Obi-Wayne discovers the name of Darth’s daughter. Also featuring Rob Lowe as Jar-Jar Binks.
Typical line: “Party on, Obi-Wayne!” “Party on, Darth!”

Dude, Who Killed My Wife?
Using clues tattooed on his own body (“Fact 5: Sweet!”), Leonard and his best bud Teddy attempt to rediscover the events of Leonard’s recent past. The trail leads them to a strip club, a drug dealer and a suitcase of money of unknown provenance.
Typical line: “Remember Shibby.”

South Gorky Park
Several gruesomely mutilated bodies are discovered buried in the frozen earth of Colorado, and Russian police detective William Hurt is brought in to investigate. Events take a disturbing turn when it is revealed that the bodies are all of the same young boy in an orange parka.
Typical line: “Bozhe moi! You killed Kenny!”

Mr. Pink Panther
Thanks to the miracle of CGI, Peter Sellers returns as Inspector Clouseau in yet another post-mortem Pink Panther film. Clouseau attempts to foil the theft of the famous Pink Panther diamond but is captured and tortured to death by the thieves. Steve Buscemi stars as the guy who survives at the end of the film.
Typical line: “What the fuck is the liew?”

The Iceboy
Adam Sandler reprises his role as Bobby Boucher, who saves the day by tackling an iceberg which threatens a ocean liner. Also starring Kathy Bates in a role no one will remember later, if she’s lucky.
Typical line: “Mama says I’m King of the World.”

And consider these, currently in production:

Rocky Roads
Britney Spears drives cross-country with her girlfriends in pursuit of her dream of becoming a professional boxer. Features her new single “I’ll Hit You Baby (One More Time)”.

Robin Hood: Prince of Tides
Barbra Streisand stars as a therapist attempting to understand the issues behind Kevin Costner’s bizarre accent.

Four Colors: Black
Will Smith and Julie Delpy search for love, redemption and rogue aliens on the streets of Paris.
Who knows what other cinematic miscegenation time will bring? It’s a sad state of affairs, I tell you…

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I know, I know…I can tell by your shocked silence that the revelation that Hollywood is recycling ideas has come as quite a blow to you. After all, the idea of Robert De Niro as a bounty hunter hired to round up escaped poultry in Midnight Chicken Run is not an easy one to come to terms with.

Still, you could always stay home and read a book…

3

jr8, you seem to have a lot of time on your hands…wanna come over and clean my house?

But seriously, you should start writing some screenplays!

I think Midnight Chicken Run has a nice ring to it…

4

<sigh>

Rue DeDay writes long, nonsensical posts, and wins legions of admirers.

Scylla writes a multi-part adventure about sex with milking machines, and people beg for more.

Nostradamus writes about harassing a major department store chain, and everyone laughs until they’re fit to burst.

I write a relatively brief, mildly humorous piece, and the only response I get is that I have too much time on my hands? There ain’t no justice…

5

I loved the hybrids.

I think the problem is that most of us aint smart (S-M-R-T) enough to come up with ones as good as yours.

My inferior takes:

Breakfast at Oliver’s

Audrey Hepburn smokes and looks sophisticated in the slums of London while learning how to pickpocket. Typical line “Oh you fascinating man. Could I possibly have some more darling?”

Taxi Driving Miss Daisy

A disillusioned Robert DeNiro drives an old lady around and decides that his mission in life is to kill anyone who gets in Miss Daisy’s way. Typical line “You lookin’ at her? You looking at HER?”

Jesus Gump

A journey through JC’s life, where we see him meeting important figures of the day, explore his tumultuous friendship with Lieutenant Dan Judas and are ultimately rewarded with a climatic death scene involving feathers.

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SNARCK

This one sounds truely worthy of send up. Either Mad TV or SNL.

But you were also offered a job. Although pay might consist of only dinner but a job’s a job.
Pinocchio Jones

A little wooden white blood cell fights crime in the lower body of Frank (Bill Murray) while dreaming of being a real cell. But he becomes corrupted when he goes undercover in the pits, and at the worse possible time. The body is under attack. Can PJ redeem himself and become a real cell. Can he defeat the virus? His time is running out and he only has his little antibody friend to help him.
Includes the song “When you wish upon a sore.”

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snort “Party on, Darth!” Masterful.

My attempt:

The Sixth Se7en

A dead child psychologist teams up with a highstrung young detective who sees dead people to hunt a serial killer. There’s a twist at the end! (Not that the movie isn’t twisted all the way through!)

8

“I see dead people!”
“Umm, Lieutenant – that’s because there ARE dead people. It’s a murder scene.”
“Oh yeah.”

:smiley:

Sorry for the hiatus; I’ve been otherwise occupied. Some great ideas – I now have this line stuck in my head:

9

Not funny. Must try harder.

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A Star is the Bourne Identity

A young man wakes up with a gunshot wound in a gutter in Los Angeles. With no memories, he takes the name “Bourne” decides to remake his life by becoming a celebrity and tries out for a part in a Hollywood musical. His former employers, a secret gubmint agency, try to get him back into the fold before he makes too big an impact on the Hollywood scene. Bourne becomes romantically involved with a costar and leads LA police through a harrowing car chase in her New Beetle through Chinatown, Little Italy, Little Siagon, and all other ethnically diverse sections of the city.

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The Last Temptation of a Salesman
Willy Loman is in a crisis. He’s about to lose his job making crosses for the Romans, he can’t pay his bills, and his disciples Biff and Judas don’t respect him. As his mission on Earth nears fulfillment, he must face the greatest temptation: an all-expenses-paid trip to a cross salesman convention in Rome.
Typical line: “The lumberyard must be paid!”

Porky’s Pie
A hilarious [sic] film about a group of teenaged boys and the zany comic mishaps and embarrassing moments that occur in their pursuit of sex. Featuring far less sex and nudity than the promotional material would have you believe.
Typical line: “Hey guys! Let’s go try to get laid! Again!”

Also coming soon to a theatre near you: High Plains Grifter, starring John Cusack as the Con Man With No Name.

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Richard Gere and Barbra Streisand’s romantic comedy:

An Officer and a Yentl-Man

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The Philadelphia Experiment Story: Screwball comedy starring Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart as U.S. Navy officers who, in a secret experiment, travel forward in time to woo an aging, palsied Katherine Hepburn.

A Slap Shot in the Dark: Bumbling Inspector Clouseau, played by Peter Sellers, must infiltrate a ragtag, foul-mouthed hockey team, led by Paul Newman, to recover a rare,valuable pink hockey puck.

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Investigating a series of brutal mutilation murders, FBI agent Clarice Starling is forced to seek assistance from Hannibal Lector, a psychotic who claims the killings are being done by an invisible alien.

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The Long Good Friday the 13th
Bob Hoskins plays Harold, an English gangster who finds his territory under threat by a hockey-mask wearing psychopath.
Typical line: “Oi! Stop stabbing me!”

Johnny Mnemonicously
Johnny (Keanu Reeves) is a data courier carrying information about a bootlegging operation in a memory chip in his head. Johnny is menaced by an incomprehensible corporate executive (“I want that farging data, you bastidges!”) and Yakusa assassin Joe Piscopo.
Typical line: “My mother uploaded too much data into my head once. Once!”

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I think you’re a genius, jr8. And the rest of you lot, too… :smiley:

17

I just logged on to IMDB and found:

Das Booty Call
Jamie Foxx and Tommy Davidson star in this black-audience vehicle as two boys from the 'hood looking for love on a German submarine. “Going down” jokes abound as the guys find love and teach the Kriegsmarine a little soul.
Typical line: “That ain’t no PERISCOPE!”

The Godfather Of The Bride
Steve Martin stars as a beleaguered Mafioso who is overwhelmed by preparations for his daughter’s upcoming wedding to some college schmuck. Stars Bronson Pinchot as Martin’s fey consigliere.
Typical line: “I made the photographer an offer he couldn’t refuse.”

Galaxy Quest For Fire
The gang from the NSEA Protector teams up once again to travel to a distant planet and help Rae Dawn Chong find some fire and get her clothes off.
Typical Line: “By Grabthar’s hammer, she’s got her clothes off again!”

Blue Velvet Crush
Kyle McLachlan is the wide-eyed innocent who finds that not all is right among the surfing crowd at the local beach. Isabella Rosselini is great as the surfing prodigy whose career is stalled because she likes to get whacked in the head with her surfboard.
Typical Line: “Hit me! With a surfboard!”

Austin Powers Of One
A prequel to the “Austin Powers” finds a young Austin growing up in South Africa, using his fists to work his way through the boxing circuit and fight against prejudice while Dr. Evil dispatches his latest ultra-subtly-named assassin, Apartheid Al.
Typical Line: “Koel, baba! Geslag now or geslag later?”

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I always get those two movies confused. :slight_smile: Haven’t seen either one, but anytime someone discusses one or the other, I always experience a moment of cognitive dissonance when I suddenly realize that I’m thinking of the wrong one again.

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Gone With the Wind in 60 seconds
Nicholas Cage in a dashing moustache steels horse and buggies in less then 60 seconds back in the Civil War and sells them to the Yankees

Pretty Woman in Red
Another screwball comedy featuring Richard Gere with a Gene Wilder perm

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Gosh, what’s wrong with Hollywood? I like “Gone With The Wind In 60 Seconds,” but then I logged on to tribute.com, and these films are slated for release next year:

Stand By He Hate Me
In a Stephen King-penned story, four childhood friends from Maine team up to travel cross-country to join the XFL. Over the length of their football careers (two days) the boys learn about life, love, and RAUNCHY XFL ACTION OH YEAHHHHHH
Typical Quote: “Looks like he barfed on The Rock, Mean Gene!”

Independence Day of the Triffids
Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum are asked to save the world again from an invasion of man-slaying plants, led by Bull Pullman as the President, but must do so after being struck blind, which doesn’t affect Pullman’s acting skills at all.
Typical Quote: Who remembers quotes from Bruckheimer films?

On Golden Bond
An aging James Bond retires to a cottage on an idyllic lake, hoping to repair his relationship with Miss Moneypenny, only to find a variety of bad guys and Macguffins and all the usual James Bond crap. Features a terrific rascal chase.
Typical Quote: “Dissolved in applesauce, not stirred.”