The other day we we’re at Home Depot when I came across the display of axes and sledges, and as we all do, I thought about how I could use one to smash open someone’s head to feast on the goo inside.
So today’s exercise is this: suppose you must fight someone to the death using only a single weapon in a Home Depot. What weapon would you choose?
RULES:
The death match shall be against a person whose physical and combat prowess reasonably matches your own.
The death match takes place in a room thirty feet by thirty feet with cinderblock walls. There are no obstacles, intrusions, or anything else.
Two go in. One comes out. You must fight to the death and you will fight to win.
For your weapon you may choose any one weapon found in a well stocked Home Depot, with the following caveats:
4a. The weapon cannot actually be a gun, crossbow, or other thing designed primarily as a weapon. I dunno if American stores stock those but they’re off limits.
4b. If the weapon is fuelled, it will be supplied to you with a full tank of fuel.
4c. If the weapon is powered by electricity you may bring a fifty foot extension cord with you and plug it in before the fight begins. Your opponent is permitted to try to unplug or destroy your cord.
4d. Aside from the exceptions above you may bring no other objects in with you.
If it requires air compression, will it be filled with air? If so my choice is a nail gun and a round of 12 pennies, greased, please. My opponent wouldn’t get within 10 feet of me without becoming a coatrack.
If not, choice two is a gassed up chain saw, with electric start, of course.
My first thought was of a ram set gun but I think you’d have to get too close. Personally I like the idea of a sledge if I got time to train with it but that is probably not a option.
Really we’re looking at sharp things I’m thinking that a large set of hedge trimmers would do nicely if they could be sharp enough. You could use them to catch incoming attacks or stab and slice with. I think most people would swing an ax like a baseball bad and be one swing an done while the shorter length, two handle grip and lighter weight would keep the shears more mobile.
My first instinct is to go for a regular ol’ 20 oz. hammer and either hope to get in close combat or fling at my opponent’s head. But I think it’s too risky.
My next thought is to keep my opponent at a distance, maybe with an 8 foot pole saw. But I don’t know if that will do enough damage and if he manages to get in close, I’m too vulnerable.
So I’m thinking the 18" chainsaw may be my best bet.
And while I’m at the Home Depot, can I get some armor like a leather apron and safety goggles? Maybe steel toe boots to go along with my weapon of choice? I mean, if I’m wielding a chainsaw as a killing device, the leather apron is pretty much mandatory.
You get to choose a weapon. No armor. No backup weapons. You will be wearing running shoes and branded athletic T-shirt and shorts (this is being televised, after all.) Only the exceptions noted in the OP.
I suppose I might choose the machete. I’m not strong enough to wield a bludgeon effectively. An opponent with a chain saw presents an obvious problem, but I’m not sure how long a tank of gas lasts on one of those; perhaps I would be able to keep moving long enough for him to run out.
I think they also require contact with a surface in order to fire.
They’re terrible distance weapons, but up close they’re pretty terrifying. I’d pick a fuel cell powered nail gun - no cord or hose needed. Launch a couple at the eyes to distract the opponent, then move in for some kill shots.
You realize the other guy isn’t immobile, right? :dubious:
And I’m not sure a forklift would be allowed as they aren’t sold at Home Depot; I’m sure our host (and the creator of this fantastic program!) will be along soon to clarify that point.
I suspect if I only run the chainsaw at high RPM while cutting you, it will last a good while. When constantly cutting wood, I think I can get at least 30 minutes out of a tank. However, that doesn’t mean it won’t otherwise malfunction. The chainsaw becomes much less dangerous when inoperable.
I’m leaning towards this grass hook. Can stab and cut and the 36" handle seems long enough to give some range (or use the handle to block) without the “getting inside his reach” issue a pole saw would have. Also, it seems like it’d be lighter than an axe or sledge. If the handle broke, the half with the business end would still make a functional weapon, unlike the chain coming off a chainsaw or half an axe.
I have to admit that this 40" glaive is tempting as well, though with less stabby options. I’m not trying to cleave armor though so I think my first option is better.
Alternately, I could rent a powered drain snake and just gross the other guy out by flailing at him with the metal coil that’s seen and scraped the interior of a million soil pipes.
The machete is designed and sold to clear brush. It is permitted.
Stealing a forklift is not permitted. Forklifts aren’t sold at Home Depot.
However, every week “Home Depot Thunderdome” will feature the Thursday Joust, a single bout where the contestants must wield their weapons of choice while driving a Hyster H80-120FT fork truck.
Absent the ability to practice, I think you’re best going with a familiar item like a hammer or a machete.
But don’t they sell high-pressure washers? On full power, those suckers can split a watermelon from a couple of feet away. Might be enough to blind someone or knock them over or otherwise incapacitate for long enough to kill them.
I wonder if there aren’t some chemical sprayers that might have a similar effect if sprayed in the eyes, etc.
Can of that wasp spray that says it shoots up to 50’ – very innovative!
My melee fight “against a person whose physical and combat prowess reasonably matches your own” would probably be the saddest thing ever. Maybe we can both pick sledgehammers and bust our way out through the cinder block walls and get pizza.
