So I’ve got this intense fear/aversion to conflict. Any conflict at all. When someone disagrees with me, I invariably try to smooth things over. Not that I necessarily back down, but I calmly distance myself from the situation, call it a “misunderstanding” and then try to explain why I’m right without making it a me vs. them thing. When all else fails, “agree to disagree” and get the heck out of the conversation.
I don’t know why, but it’s a physical discomfort, like a rodent clawing inside my stomach and I just have the urge to “get away”. I have no fight response, only flight. It’s even worse when it’s not me in the situation. Other people fighting, or worse, that kind of diplomatic arguing with thinly veiled hatred, makes me wig out.
Cases in point: two people arguing in the lounge at school. I had the sudden urge to be ANYWHERE but there, and just left the lounge. Outside I felt the need to justify my action, and went for a drink of water even though I wasn’t thirsty.
At a concert, two kids stood on their chairs obstructing our view. I physically couldn’t bring myself to say anything, my fiancee had to tell them.
It doesn’t happen with fictional fights, but even the news shows where they hound some deadbeat landlord as he covers his face with an umbrella, or People’s Court kind of shows, or where John Stossel interviews someone and says stuff like, “But you knew your product killed people” and the guy very awkwardly replies, “That… hasn’t been proven,” or whatever as he squirms.
I have to change the channel.
The latest bout of it came when my fiancee needed some moral support at school. She had a complaint about the way the administration handled something and they were giving her the brush-off. (I’m being deliberately vague here.) These guys were being major jerks to her, and she was going to have a meeting to tell them this. She wanted me there. I wanted to be there for her, but everytime I thought about the meeting, and how awkward, and conflict-ridden it would be, I got THAT FEELING and began to dread it. Well, I managed to force myself to go, but the whole 2 hour meeting, I sat there stone-faced, willing myself not to bolt out of the room, as the rodent (I think it’s a hamster) clawed from the inside of my belly. (At one point he pulled out a fork to scrape on a blackboard. I don’t know how that all got into my belly.)
So there are likely to be more meetings and I want to support her, but I don’t know if I can handle it again. And just in general I think it would be healthy to handle conflict a bit better.
So:
a) What the hell is wrong with me?
b) anyone else out there like this?
c) Is there a name for it?
d) what do I do about it?
Thoughts?