Hooray Hemorrhoid! (my first TMI thread?)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Blood in my stool last night.

Blood in my stool this morning.

Me panicking, my mom calming me by telling me she sees this kind of thing all the time at the GI clinic where she works.

Calling to schedule a doctor’s appointment at 8:30 am.

Seeing the doctor at 11:30 am.

Suppositories. Three times a day for seven days.

Making an appointment with a GI specialist just incase it doesn’t clear up in a month.

At least I got the new Decemberists’ album. So I guess I broke even.

So, previous hemorrhoid sufferers, what fun can I expect in the coming days?

2

You can expect: the discomfort of using the suppositories. But they’ll probably work.
If they don’t, the doc can put a tiny, tough rubber band thingy around the offending roid (as if there were some other kind) and cut off its supply of blood till it dies. Seriously.

It’s a pain in the ass, no pun intended, but it will pass.

Good luck.

3

I’m just surprised that there’s absolutely no pain in my bowel. I would have expected a hemorrhaging blood vessel to give me SOME kind of pain or discomfort.

4

Hmmm…IANAD, but the GI specialist is a good idea, should it come to that.

5

If you’re overweight try to lose weight. I never had an hemorrhoid issues until I got heavy and it went away completely when I lost weight.

6

The part that was really fun for me was the physical examination when I went to see my physician… NOT!

I had a hemmorrhoid that was very painful, but it was small. When I went to see the doctor, he said he had to check to see if there were more. Well, there’s only one way he could do that. One K-Y lubricated and latex gloved covered hand later and boy were my eyes opened. I think he bypassed my colon and examined my tonsils from the back side.

What do you say after something like this happens? “Call me”?

7

When my wife was 6 months pregnant she developed a hemorrhoid. She wasn’t sure at first what was happening and asked me to look. Now I had been near that neighborhood before but never really checked out the backdoor that closely. I mean, I’d heard of “looking up old friends” but this was ridiculous. So I looked and, sure enough, there was this nasty thing about the size of a grape attached to her.
She went to a proctologist who said it had to be removed. Because she was pregnant it had to be done with just local anesthetics. In the operating room the doc told her that usually patients are asleep during the procedure but, since she was awake he could put on some music for her.
She requested Moon River.
Afterwards, she had to pack the wound for a few days. Actually, I had to do it because it was awkward for her. She has never had a roid since.
Years later, she was at the hospital and passed by the proctologist. He looked at her like she was familiar and asked if he knew her. She said yes, turned around and started singing Moon River. He started cracking up and said how he never forgot her.

Slight aside here: What in the world could possibly inspire someone to become a proctologist in the first place? I mean, do they like working with assholes all day?