Oh hemorrhoids how I hate thee!

The BBQ Pit
1

Hemorrhoids? Hemorrhoids!! I mean WTF? Who the hell designed this freaking human body anyway? Im 35, in good shape, eat right etc…I never spend any longer than needed in the bathroom, and I dont think I have ever had a constipated day in my life! And I got a freaking hemorrhoid!!!

Now my friend, who spends 25mins in the bathroom daily reading, and is a fat out of shape bastard(I kid, about the bastard part), doesnt get them!!

But the really fun part, as I have found out, is that hemorrhoids really never “go away”. Sure same days you will be fine, maybe even weeks, and you may never have a ping-pong ball size lump jutting from the side of your ass, but something will always just “not feel right”.

My first hemorrhoid was back in November, and since then my discomfort just hasnt gone away. Sure, sometimes its fine. But at least a day or two a week I get what I now refer to as “Sweet ass of fire”. Yea I know, but my wife thinks its funny as hell.

I have been to several doctors and they all say there isnt really much they can do. They recommend I have lots of fiber(I take metamucil daily now)exercise, and drink lots of water. That has all helped some, but there are still days…

So to you oh hemorrhoid I pit thee, and give a hearty FUCK to you. Who the hell designed the ass viens to “explode” with to much strain anyway? WTF?? Shouldnt they be extra strength veins down there???

2

I completely agree with you. (Am I allowed to say that in the Pit?)
Do you have a sedentary job? The human body was not designed to spend hours a day in the sitting position - that could be why they aren’t going away.
I agree that our circulatory system is a real design fault - WTF is with varicose veins as well? I mean, legs are designed to be STOOD UPON - gravity should be taken into account!
I read somewhere that most adults actually have internal haemorrhoids all the time - it’s just that since there are few nerve-endings in the end of the colon, you won’t be aware of them until they POP OUT! :eek:
External haemorrhoids, on the other hand…PAIN!!!
Sittin’ on a Pincushion… :wink:

3

Dob, I feel your pain. As in RIGHT NOW!!! I got hemorrhoids before Christmas while doing more squatting and lifting than usual. And as I sit here, my ass is throbbing.

I have tried all, and I mean ALL, the OTC stuff. Three different kinds of Prep H, Anusol (which we like to pronounce “anus- all”) and suppositories from both brands, and wipes with witch hazel. When all that didn’t phase the little buggers, the next logical step was to beg my doc for prescription stuff.

First, he ordered the Rx version of Anusol supositories. Those didn’t help, so I told his nurse that I wanted something to numb my ass. The doc called in a script for fucking HYDROCORTISONE! Hel-lo? Uh, no numbing agent in that, jerkoff! Next, a prescription for this stuff called Proctofoam. It contains Promoxine, which is a local anesthetic. I was so hopeful, but it didn’t help. So finally, after I talked to his nurse again (and crying from the pain during the conversation) he sent out a script for Darvocet and a cream called LidaZone HC. It’s hydrocortisone with Lidocaine. This, my friend, is what you need. The HC will help shrink your 'roids and the Lidocaine will deaden the pain.

This is what I’ve learned:

-Supositories are almost useless. You shove them in and instead of lodging where you need them the most, they fall into your rectum. The only thing they’re good for is making your shit slide out easier. But they won’t make you feel like you’re not shitting an eight inch chef’s knife.

-Sitz baths are gooooood. Buy one at your local drug store and use it. I recommend putting shower temp water in the basin that you sit in, and even hotter water in the bag. And sit so long that your damn legs go dead. Repeat this process as many times a day as you can. Very theraputic, warm water… and it makes your naughty bits feel nice, too.

-Stock up on latex gloves. You’ll need 'em.

Surgery for hemorrhoids seems drastic, but it’s very common. I’ll probably have to go that route soon. Throughout all my troubles I have been without insurance. I have invested roughly 400 bucks on my ass, and as soon as our benefits kick in, I’ll happily show my starfish to a surgeon just to be done with this.

I wish you the best of luck with your butt, Dob.

4

Man, I developed these at 25! So very wrong-- I had always thought it was an afflliction of the older-than-25. The kind of “Oh NO I have to POOP!” horror of severe pain and floating pools of blood and chewing on your hand. It’s not the same as eating something excessively spicy-- it’s an entirely different and more unpleasant experience. I’ve finally gotten extremely regular, which helps, and only flare up occasionally when I’m under a lot of pressure, and then I’m like “OH GOD I forgot about this! This is SO lame.” Baths help a lot.
Get very regular (before you leave for work-- have some coffee or something. DO NOT hold stuff in-- if you get the urge to go at work DO IT THEN-- the longer stuff stays in your colon the worse off you are), try the ointments afterward to cool things down, or a shower or bath. Relax, and try to reduce the stress in your life. Lots of fluids. You have my sympathy.
Ouch, Just thinking about this MAKES MY ANUS HURT.

5

ahhh…my brothers and sisters in pain, I feel you! Thanks for some ideas on treating them. Strangely enough I have found that regular Metamucil or some other bulk fiber is doing wonders for them. Still not a picnic mind you, but it is getting better.

you know, you just dont see that in a sentence very often!

6

I had 'em bad from about age 28 or so. I put up with them for 6 or 7 years. Then I had surgery and now they are gone, gone, gone.

You can have them banded (where they are ligated till they fall off) which didn’t work for me because they were too big or tough or something. You can have them injected, which also didn’t work for me except for the smaller 'roids that weren’t the problem anyway.

My big regret is that I put up with them for so long. The surgery is embarrassing and hurt like hell for a week or so but compared to years of discomfort, I now kick myself that I didn’t have surgery from the outset.

Mine hurt so much that subconsciously I’d put off bowel movements, and I’m pretty sure that was the cause of years of added discomfort through giving me something akin to Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I didn’t really realise the link at the time. It was only after I’d had the surgery and bowel movements had stopped being a drama that I suddenly looked back and realised the IBS was gone.

My advice would be: don’t muck around. If creams etc work for you, good, but don’t be surprised if they’re barely effective (if at all). Get straight into clobbering the little bastards with ligation and injection and if that doesn’t work, have them hacked out. For a few days after the surgery you will know the meaning of pain, but you will get over it and (if you’re anything like me) you will realise that you had gradually fallen into an acceptance of discomfort and pain as the 'roids slowly worsened, and that the relief and comfort are like Spring after a cold Winter.

7

I think the worst pain I have ever felt was when I had one of these get engorged and finally ended up going to the doctor to have it drained. I didn’t even know what it was never having had a hemorrhoid before but the pain was horrible. Granted, I’ve never given birth but I’ve had various surgeries over the years but nothing, nothing compared to the pain from one damned hemorrhoid. And now I have a delightful little “skin tag” left that will never go away, without surgery. Oh, yeah. That’s really sexy. :rolleyes: Not to mention having to wipe and wipe and wipe after a bowel movement and still not be clean (and I can’t believe I’m sharing this but what the hell.) Things just aren’t working right in the mysterious world of the anus since I had that damn thing and am contemplating surgery just to feel “normal” again. Sad, huh? Fucking hemorrhoids.

But hey, at least now I know how to spell them right.

8

Hey, Princester,
What were your “IBS-like” symptoms? I ask because mine were at the time caused/ exacerbated, I believe, by constipation, then in retailiation I tried fiber for a bit and somehow swung the other way-- hemmerhoids mostly went away, but since then my gut is totally sensitive to insoluble fiber-- if I eat a salad or an orange by itself things get ugly. Did any doc suggest a link, or is it something you pieced together yourself?

9

If you consider surgery make sure you ask your doctor about recurrence rates. A close relative had bad luck- painful surgery and within a few years hemmoroids again.
I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but a suggestion for all the “wiping” TMIs out there:
Discreet shaving.

Now I am sooo out of here. :wink:

10

Even better than discreet shaving: warm bidet.

11

That ain’t gonna help you at the movie theatre men’s room. :wink:

12

Bloating, abdominal discomfort.

13

Google pointed me to this thread because I searched “I hate hemorrhoids”. It’s so good to see people discuss this like adults and hate it as much as I do, I joined SD.
My gripe–I finally stopped bleeding once a month from being a woman, and now I’m bleeding periodically from being an older woman. ARGH!

14

welcome to The Dope tHEhERETIC.
There’s something special about joining a message board because of hemorrhoids and I fully support the opening of this zombie thread.

As an aside; I was in the midst of a gyno exam - always a favourite anyway - when the doc felt obliged to say, “you have hemorrhoids”. I mean, No fucking duh! Like I’m not aware of this. She didn’t say anything else (like maybe some advice on how to treat them) and I, sadly, was so shocked I didn’t say “Thanks so much for stating the fucking obvious, bitch”.