The boss thinks I need to move to “diffuse” the situation. I told him that I fear things are going to be awkward between B. and me from now on, and since B. can’t obviously conduct himself when I’m around, I need to not be around him. So I don’t think asking me to move was unreasonable. B. is the lab manager, so he needs to be in the lab. I don’t have to be in the lab to do my work–which at this point is mostly computer stuff–so I can be placed anywhere.
I care about my job and getting along with my PI, so I’m not going to balk about this. My boss knows this wasn’t my first choice (I already told him how much being in the lab means to me), but he doesn’t really know what else to do. And besides firing B., I don’t know what else he can do either.
I’ll be fine whatever happens. I know this much to be true.
I had a similar situation. A guy I worked with stuck his hand down the back of my pants (the sitting gap, if you know what I mean) :eek: . I told my boss, who kind of just shrugged. Then I called him that night and told him I couldn’t work for him anymore. He went to the owner, who is also a lawyer, and they put the asshole on the first floor and me on the 2nd floor. But I still had to see the fucker every day. This was a military subcontractor company, and the culture was very accepting of this sort of thing. It pissed me off that he wasn’t fired for an act that blatent (he admitted he did it). However, in Monstro’s case, if she’s happy with the situation they offered up, that’s cool.
More disposable, actually, since if you leave, you don’t take the money with you. A new person can be hired with the funds currently paying you (whereas if you had your own salary award, if you left, you’d be taking the funds with you - boss would be able to list less funding in his various anual reports - looks like a ding on his record.)
I would try the new office location and see how it works. It’s not a perfect solution, for sure, and it’s a drag that you’ll be isolated, but from the sounds of it, boss is not willing to get rid of technician.
You mention B. is a big, burly guy. Which prompts me to ask an odd question: is there any chance he’s taking steroids?
Reason I ask, your situation sounds eerily similar to one I was once involved in, except I (a man) had to work with a woman (call her A.) whom I’d dated briefly.
A. was a competitive bodybuilder who was later busted for steroid possession (and was probably dealing too). Like your pal B., A. would insult people in front of the whole office and make up demeaning nicknames behind people’s backs, but would go to tears (literally) if someone made even a mild comeback.
She had asked me out when we first worked together, and since I had broken off the relationship when I realized how unstable she was, I was a prime target of her rage. (But not the sole target – two other people had complained about her, one leaving the office rather than work with her). I brought it up to the boss, but before anything was done, I ended up leaving the office for a one-year graduate fellowship, and later learned of her fate from a former officemate, who showed me the news accounts of her arrest.
Sorry for the hijack. Anyways, I wish you the best in getting your problem resolved. You sound like you have been more than reasonable, and do not deserve this crap one bit.
I don’t understand why the boss’s hands are tied? Is he afraid that this isn’t enough reason to legally terminate someone? Is he worried that B. is irreplaceable (he didn’t seem to think so when you talked to him before)?
It sounds to me like your coworkers didn’t back you up, at least not strongly, so the PI thinks it’s a you vs. B. issue. Otherwise, why would he leave B. to continue being destructive with everyone else in the lab?
I don’t like the “compromise” that has been proposed. It reeks of blaming the victim. You said that both of you are being punished, but I don’t see how this punishes B. at all.
Did you talk to HR? You really need to do so now, for your protection. This “compromise” makes me worry that should this harrassment not end, it will be you to go.
Red Stilettos, the boss said that B. hasn’t actually done anything really bad yet. He’s got my complaint against him, but that’s it. No one ever told him about the temper tantrums of the past…I’m the first. Also, B.'s status was recently changed so that he’s a salaried employee of the university, which means it’s HR, not the boss, who does the firing. They require a lot of documentation of problems before they consider firing.
Sorry for rambling…but yesterday when I talked to my boss on the phone, I got the feeling that he didn’t really get why I was scared. At least not initially. He actually asked me why I was scared by that letter, as if to say that I could be playing-up my nervousness for effect. It bothered me that he would imply this, and I really worked hard to convey why such a crazy letter would reasonably evoke fear. Not in a woman, but in a person. I think my boss was stuck on the “he’s got an immature crush on a girl” angle. I’m worried about the “batshit crazy” angle. Crushes, I can handle. Hopefully this sunk in.
I’m wishing I had asked him to put himself in my shoes. If he had found a crazy letter on his desk from one of his male colleagues–especially one that he believed he had a positive working relationship with–he too would be afraid.
But I do think my boss is trying his best to handle the situation. I don’t know if the other co-workers have swayed him from his “my hands are tied” sentiment, but he did tell me that he’s going to stay more on top of personnel issues from now on.
I’m reluctant to post the following, but here goes:
I don’t think I will go to HR yet. The guilt thing is holding me back, admittedly. I don’t want to make waves. I don’t want to risk coming across as a drama queen. I don’t want to penalize B. if he is committed to getting his act together, especially if he’s just very immature and not aware of professional boundaries. I just want to work. I told my boss that if another incident on this scale happens again, then I will go to HR. But I don’t feel like doing it now. I feel bad for my wimpiness and I know that this goes against the great advice I’ve received here, but…I don’t know. I don’t want to make waves anymore. I don’t want to risk my career or make enemies or become labeled. I just want to work.
<feeling quite ashamed, wishing I had a backbone and a non-virtual shoulder to wimper on>
F.U. Shakespeare, he’s burly because he’s kind of overweight and has a large frame. Not because he’s a weight-lifter. I kinda wish he was just “roided-up”.
What exactly did the boss tell B. in response to his behavior? Was he given a reprimand or anything? It sounds like all your boss did was shrug and rearrange some furniture. I’m hoping that he at least gave the guy a stern talking to. If anything for being AWOL on those days when he freaked out over your head scarf explanation.
This “compromise” is totally lame and one-sided, but perhaps your absence will make B. so unhappy that he will soon leave on his own volition. The lab, at least for a short time, will certainly be extra awkward for him because everyone will know why you’re not in there anymore. Everyone in the lab seems to know that the guy is crazy, and given how paranoid and delusion B. is, he’ll probably pick up on that. So maybe that’ll help to drive him out, too. I don’t know. Just trying to look for the silver lining.
And I don’t think you’re a wimp for not going to HR. I’d probably do the same thing. But do get some mace like I told you to, girl.
I think this is what it comes down to - sadly, in academia, there’s a pecking order, and at this stage of your career, you’re not very close to the top of it. It sucks balls of the highest order, but in the long run you will probably be doing your career a favour by ignoring this as much as you can.
I don’t think you’re wimpy at all - I think you’re in a crappy situation and trying to make the best of it. I asked earlier - I assume this is a 2 or 3 year post-doc after which you’ll be moving on - assuming there are no actual physical threats to your person, I think avoiding the situation is a very reasonable choice.
Oh, man. The moving your office thing really bugs me. It’s that kind of “boys will be boys” crap that says, “We can’t trust him to change his behavior, but we can move the object of his attentions away and hope he gets his head straight.”
Also I think your boss is being taken for a ride when B. tells him he’s going to get his act together. Like, B. knows he’s over the line and knows how to tell the boss – who just wants all of this to go away – what he wants to hear. (whining) “Please don’t fire me!” Jeez. Where did the boss get the idea that B. might quit? Why would B. quit?
I wish you would talk to HR. I don’t even think you’re necessarily in any physical danger from B., but it sounds like your boss isn’t helping and doesn’t care much.
“B. has continuously approached me with these inexplicable notes [show examples]. This behavior is making me feal threatened and uncomfortible.”
Basically you want to focus on the objective facts and how they make you feel.
It also might not hurt to speak to a lawyer.
It sound’s like your bosses attitude is to do whatever will create the least amount of grief for him. You want to approach your organization in a way where they will feel that this individual is creating a potential legal issue that can’t be addressed.
I don’t mean to be dramatic, but have you ever read Ian McEwan’s Enduring Love? It came to mind when I read the note in the OP. Obviously not the same situation at all (it’s about stalking after a brief, platonic meeting), but the tone was creepily similar.
Also, I had a similar situation to yours, except that it was my boss who was crazy. She would get bent out of shape at people and scream at them or just generally act like a crazy bitch. So I’m a new manager in her group and nobody is showing me what’s going on or what I’m supposed to be doing and yet I have this crazy person on my case.
So after a couple of times of just blowing it off and “not making waves”, I said “fuck this, I don’t need this bullshit”. So basically every time she flew off the handle for no reason, I would document it and send it to our HR rep. I would state the facts of what happened, indicate any witnesses who were in the room at the time, and send it off to HR in an email. Of course, it helps too that I hate my job anyway and really couldn’t care less if I was fired.
Now our HR rep is just some 25 year old nobody and I don’t really expect her to do anything. In fact, when she asked if I wanted to have a discussion with her and my boss to “resolve the issues”, I told her "look, I don’t see a point in that. I imagine she will pretty much say whatever she thinks you want to hear and end up not changing her behavior. I actually don’t care what you do. I just want it documented so if there are any issues with my performance or anything, I have it recorded that I was provided no guidance, training or other preparation in accordance with company policy and yet I was being held accountable in an abusive manner to things I would have no prior knowledge of.
Anyhow, she was given a forced retirement package a couple of months ago, so good news for me.
The two of us hung in there for a couple for months. He increasingly got weirder and weirder, alienating himself from everyone in the lab by not speaking to anyone, doing strange “experiments” with the lab animals that no one else understood, and taking lots of time off. While he was gone on a two-week long vacation, he sent me an email asking for patience, promising that he would be better when he returned. I wished him all the best, as politely and succinctly as I could.
So it’s his first day back. I’m doing an experiment in the lab, so I can’t not be there. Everyone else is there, so it’s not like we’re alone. Everything is going fine and then he just up and leaves. With no explanation. Kinda like the incident in the OP. I get upset and I swear to everyone that I’m telling the boss.
The next day, he goes to the boss before I can and asks if he can be demoted to field technician, because he doesn’t want to work in the lab anymore. The boss asks why and he says he just “don’t fit in” anymore. The boss convinces him that everyone likes him fine and that he really needs B. to keep being lab manager. After he leaves, the boss starts wondering just WTF that was all about. So he pulls employees to the side and asks how things are going in the lab.
When he asks me, I tell him “not good”. I tell him about all the weirdness. I also tell him about the email that B. sent me.
The next day, I find out that B. has been fired. The email was the last straw apparently, since the boss had told him (unbeknowst to me) not to ever talk to me on personal matters.
B. eventually got another job on campus, working for another lab. So it’s not like he jumped off a cliff or anything. But it still messed me up afterwards. He really was a nice guy when he wasn’t batshit crazy.