I read a Chick tract.
And found some good points.
it’s a joke, y’all
Sorry Kn*ckers… I’m here for you 
You win.
From what pit of hell did you crawl?
That’s the thing, it wasn’t plain…it had three tablespoons of butter and some corn syrup in it, so I wasn’t sure if it would keep, and I’d already filled the thumbprint cookies.
oh well.
What’s done is done.
But I’ll still take the Vin Diesel gift…I’ll buy NEW chocolate for that.
I didn’t use a condom.
I went on vacation for * 5 * count em ** 5 ** days and didn’t tell you and didn’t go on the SDMB once.
And nobody noticed 
(this will horrify most dopers)
I made the baby Jesus cry.
and according to some people I made God kill about 12 kittens this week.
I think I’ll make grits with lots and lots of green food coloring on Christmas morning. And I’ll garnish them with livid red candied cherry halves.
BWA-HAAAAA—HAHAHAHA!!!
swampbear, I, for one, would have been horrified if you hadn’t eaten them. It’s GODIVA.
I dropped a ridiculous amount of money on Pottery Barn picture frames to use as placemarkers for the table over the holiday. Even at 30% off, they were ridiculously expensive. And I bought them with the credit card I am trying to pay off.
On Tuesday afternoon I invited a German tourist into my home, showed her around town, and proceeded to get her very drunk.
Then my wife showed up for the second round when I went to bed, and plied her with more liquor.
And we all slept it off.
Business, son, business. Your money to my pocket, ain’t life grand?
And does anyone else find this post amusing coming from Beelzebubba?
Dude, I’m trying to wallow in self pity here - you’re making it difficult! 
Love you, though!
Ooh, remembered another:
Go off Dope for two days every weekend, because I don’t have internet access at home!
:eek: Haven’t you heard of AIDS?!?
I drank the last of the orange juice, and put the empty pitcher back in the refrigerator.
And I didn’t preview.
Regards,
Shodan
Dude, that’s fucked up. I’ve killed men for less.
Yeah, but you’re a badass. Most of us don’t care.
I “borrowed” the $50 cash my company gave me to buy an Xmas gift for an unfortunate and then I used my credit card for the gift!
My wife threw away a tin-foil wrapped piece of pumpkin pie from thanksgiving. When she left the room I took it out of the garbage and ate it.
no body, NO-BODY, throws away pumpkin pie in my house!
[Lewis Grizzard] Damn, brother, I don’t know that I would have told that![/Lewis Grizzard]
I know what you did.
Horrify. Not “Enrapture.” Please make a note of it.