I am socially phobic and depressed. I have abandonment issues that prevent me from getting close to anyone. I am terrified of women. Although I am above-average in looks and intelligence, I have no game at all when it comes to women. I am terrified that I will fall in love again, get dumped again and be heartbroken again. I am convinced that I will never have a romance again in my life.
I doubt my competence in everything. Although my adopted family have proven that they will not leave me I feel intimidated and inadequate around them. I believe myself to be flawed at the core and have a shame-based self image. Due to this I come home from work and isolate in my house. I don’t go out at all.
I spent my early twenties as a virtual shut-in. Go to school, come home, don’t leave the house for any reason unless absolutely unavoidable. If I did have to go outside, it would take about twenty minutes of psyching myself up to get out the door, and anything unexpected happening (such as running into a friend unexpectedly, or a long line at the check-out) would trigger a panic attack. Going someplace I’d never been, or meeting someone I didn’t know well, would do the same, so I just started avoiding social situations altogether. After a couple of years of my suburban hermitage, I was pretty severely depressed, out of loneliness and an almost total lack of self-esteem. I’m better now. Although I still get panic attacks, I know that I’m freaking out over nothing and have no reason to be afraid, and that usually keeps them at bay. Not always, though. I had a job interview recently, and I was certain I was going to pass out. Didn’t stop me from getting the job. Same thing happened about a month later, the first time I ever went out on a date with another man. Didn’t stop me from getting the boyfriend, either.
I have facioscapulohumeral muscular dystrophy. I have diabetes, and my kidneys are leaking protein. I have vulvar lichen planus. I’m depressive (does that make it sound more clinical than “I’m depressed”?). And I take an assload of pills everyday. Other than that, I’m ok.
I have emetophobia, panic attacks, mild on and off depression and/or suicidal thinking. I also have MAJOR narcissism, but I keep it to myself, and force myself to behave in a socially acceptable way. Wow, there are sure a lot of us crazies here on the SDMB.
Not really. Get people really talking anywhere and you’ll hear a lot of this sort of thing. If you don’t, and they are being honest, good luck to them, they are doing really well.
Well, I was going to start describing myself, but you beat me to it. Especially that part about little things you can’t let go of. That embarrassing mistake I made years ago comes into my mind and I get completely humiliated again like I’m reliving it. And about being uncovered as a fraud… I know I’m smart. Very smart, even. But, there’s this nagging feeling that someday someone will finally find out that it’s all a lie and I’m just mediocre and faking it.
Really, it’s astonishing how exactly you described me! All of it!
When it happens to me, it feels like whatever I’m remembering just happened. And that everyone around me knows it, and can see it, and I am embarrassed anew. Even when whatever happened originally wasn’t even really embarrassing in the first place, and is probably completely faded from the minds of anyone who was around the first time.
Not just that I’m mediocre – that I am in fact incapable. Even with such things as the job that I do, that I have done (without significant change in procedure) for over three years. I know I could do it in my sleep, yet I am constantly nagged inside that I know absolutely nothing.
Forgot to add one: I’m convinced that not one of my friends actually likes me. Whenever someone ends up in the “friendship” status I am astonished, because I can’t imagine anyone liking me. Then, I secretly feel that they don’t actually like me – that I’m serving some sort of purpose for them, and when I have served that purpose, I will be discarded. This has not happened to me ever, yet I remain convinced it will.
I have a few physical misfortunes, one of which I brought on myself - I’m 5’9" and 255lbs. Little of my excess weight is muscle. I have failed to lose much weight for very long despite several past attempts, and I am trying again now.
Other things less my fault: I have asthma that can be pretty bad, especially in the cold weather. It doesn’t stop me from doing much, but it’s expensive to take care of and mighty annoying. I have deformed feet, flat and with sides the bow out; my right foot turns outward about 45 degrees. I had almost crippling knock-knees when I was younger, though it’s been corrected surgically. I hunch over and trying to correct it makes me look comically stiff as a board.
Mental things … well, I’m perfect. Not really, but in general I’m pretty happy with myself (depression runs in the family, but it doesn’t bother me - now). Ten years ago I was a horrible asshole, and you could say that to this day I’m still racked with guilt over it. Better now, though I was never forgiven. I’m not very bright, though I wish sincerely to be. I anthropomorphize too much. I’m shy. I can’t grow a beard. I can’t write papers.
Seriously, I can’t. It’s an excruciating process for me as I obsess over each word, one of the reasons I stopped pursuing a formal education in philosophy.
I’m sure this is at least the second time you’ve said something about yourself that describes me to a T. I suspect it’s a good thing we’re on different continents, as I fear if we met face-to-face one of us would have to poof out of existence.
I’m lazy to a destructive degree out of some sort of depression-induced masochism. It was worst when I was at my most depressed, when most people would be doing drugs or cutting themselves or crying all the time, I would be putting off doing the things that I needed to do. I stopped eating just because it was too much work. I didn’t do laundry or dishes until it absolutely HAD to be done, and then it was just enough to get by. I was in school and never did assignments, rarely went to class, failed. I stayed up late doing nothing at all, sitting at the computer, then finally when I had to sleep I did so on my small uncomfortable loveseat instead of the bed in the next room, because it was too far away.
It’s better now, I’m not depressed so much, but I still tend to procrastinate unhealthily. I’m always late wherever I go because I wait to get ready until 10 minutes before I have to be there. I’ve never finished an assignment earlier than the night before it’s due, staying up all night, procrastinating even then until some time in the middle of the night before I start. Not because I have anything better to do, or enjoy my time while I’m not working, just because some part of me is still self-destructive.
I’m severely allergic to cats to the point of breaking out into hives and having my throat start to close. I’m also severely allergic to pollen. Therefore I don’t really like flowers or the outdoors. Everything in the world makes my stomach hurt especially milk. Very few days go by without a stomachache or a cramp of some kind. I’m afraid of crowds and cant be in them with out becoming a nervous wreck. Whenever I’m alone for a few days I start to become afraid to leave the house. When there is a lot of different noise in a place I become very stressed and cannot act normal. I can’t hear what people are saying even if I can actually hear them.
Judging by my poor early school years, I’m probably ADHD inactive type. I forgot little things constantly and was simply unable to do assignments that required too much focus or time. When I was in school I often would not listen to teachers even if I were trying to. When I was listening, I got in trouble for fidgeting or playing with things in my hand. With time and self-control it is no longer a major problem. College was pretty easy because profs only gave a damn about the final product. If I’m allowed to stucture the way I do things, I generally do a good job. Other than that, I’m a pretty healthy and happy individual. No complaints except for the whole allergy thing.
Plus, I’m obsessed with my looks and how people perceive my beauty, or lack thereof, some call it vanity, others call it insecurity, I think it’s plenty of both.
I have endometriosis. Not life-threatening, but horribly painful.
I abuse my pain medication, even though I need it I still take it for fun sometimes. And I drink, smoke, and would probably snort anything laid out in front of me on a mirror. (Fortunately I don’t hang out with the people who do that stuff anymore.) I’ve got an extremely addictive personality and I have no intention to do anything about it. I’m ok with me.
This is a great topic and initially, I wasn’t planning on posting anything. Reading the other replies helped encourage me. Thanks for everyone’s honesty and good luck on your issues!
I was abused for 24 years so I have trust issues and anxiety problems. When I was 24, I had a stroke so the brain damage has left me more emotional than baseline. My family has bad back genes, specifically lumbar discs, so I had my L4-5 disc removed when I was 20. Also, I was born with a hole in my heart (patent foramen ovale) which I had closed by a cardioseal device when I was 25 and now I have to take aspirin every day. Looking back on my twenties, it’ll probably look like continuous stints in hospitals and physical therapy with brief respites between with psychiatrists/therapists trying to learn how to deal.
You know what’s ridiculous? I’m still a pretty upbeat person. I’m like a stupid puppy no matter how often I get smacked down by the big rolled up newspaper of life, I never learn my lesson. Here’s to a healthy 2005, right?
Let me see. I have anxiety attacks, a couple of times a month, for about a day at a time I’ll have, oh, 12 or 15 attacks in a day. For a day or two after that, I can bring on an attack just by trying to remember what they feel like.
If I don’t abstain from white carbs entirely, I eat them compulsively and addictively; it’s one of my coping mechanisms when my life is very stressful.
:rolleyes: This smiley has been added at the request of my youngest daughter.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am taking Lexapro for these disorders. I have severe anger management issues and I don’t handle adversity well. Just this past weekend I have had to deal with car problems (which I can’t afford because I was laid off last week). My family thinks I am flying off the handle and making a big deal out of all of this and they think I should just take a deep breath, count to ten, etc… but these things don’t work well for me. They tell me it will all get better. Maybe so, but for now it’s been a living hell. I also don’t take criticism and am very sensitive to how others percieve me. I become a complete animal if anyone tells me I suck or am no good for something. I have no social skills at all, especially when it comes to dating. It should come as no surprise to others that at nearly 35 years of age I am still single and likely will remain single for the rest of my life.
