Maybe just playing the recording back to the sister will make her see (hear?) how awful she is being.
If you can’t take your Mom with you, then is there a reason your sister has to be there?
Keep the cops out of it. As a male you’ll wind up in the station. All it will take is one tearful performance from a vengeful sister and your done for. I second the youtube idea. Create an anonymous account.
I’d record it. Then I’d look into the definition of “elder abuse”, which this just might qualify as. Good luck.
Like Kalhoun says, this could be elder abuse. Contact the National Center on Elder Abuse for starters, not the cops. I agree with what others have said about taping the abuse and documenting it in whatever other ways you can.
You might also find it helpful to look into some books on dealing with verbally agressive people. Assertiveness books often cover this. You can do a lot to deflate someone by NOT responding in the way that they’re hoping to provoke. That may not help your mom, but will help you when you’re trying to deflect some of it.
Yes, they do, and they land in jail for domestic violence. If a guy bitch-slaps his sister, or punches her lights out (see OP,) Sis can show a cop the welt, and the guy is in jail in twenty minutes. No questions, just put your hands behind you and get in the backseat of the squad car.
Nobody deserves to be beaten. Nobody. There is no room in Madison County for domestic violence, and I hope your county feels the same way.
First and foremost, my sincere sympathies for your having to deal with this situation. I’m guessing that your mom doesn’t want to ban your sister from the house (she’s her daughter, after all, and it seems like mothers have a very hard time seeing their children for what they actually are). Do you live with your mom? What is your relationship like with your sister? Is it good except for the occasional outburst (which still isn’t acceptable)? Are you ready to live your life without your sister in it? What your sister is doing is abusive, it should not be tolerated, but there aren’t many good solutions short of removing her from your life, unfortunately.
I second everyone saying be very careful approaching the police about this. My husband was in a situation with a live-in girlfriend where she abused him, and when the police were called, HE was the one arrested (even though he was the one standing there bleeding). (He has approved my talking about his situation here, because he wants the message of abusive women to get out). Have you talked to your mom about your sister’s behaviour? What does your mom think of it?
Speaking as someone who has dealt with verbal abusers of both genders (albeit from a female perspective), my watchwords are: Deflect, Deflate, Defuse.
Deflect the anger and abuse from anyone helpless to withstand or defend themselves against the attack. If the attacker is focused on someone who is obviously competent to deal with the situation, don’t get involved. If not, re-direct the abuse towards yourself - you’re prepared for the situation, ready to handle it, and can make things better.
Deflate the ego driving the abuse. Abusers are by and large fueled by their own sense of importance and necessity. If you can knock out the supports which tell her that she is Right, and Must Be Listened To Or Else, you can make her arguments ineffectual at worst, and get her to shut the hell up at best. There are tons and tons of ways to do this; I’m sure with thought you can come up with ones tailored to your sister and your situation much more easily than I could provide applicable generalizations.
Defuse the issues driving the conflict. Once she’s stopped riding her ego-train and is ready to talk like an adult, try to address the actual points she’s made. If there are reasonable compromises to be had, find them. If not, try to speak to her logical side and get her to realize how unreasonable her previous demands / assertions were. In any case, at least get a handle on what started the stream of abuse, so that you’ll know it’s a trigger in the future.
A couple of things I’d like to reiterate:
Yes, please, record it! Especially as a male in a situation like this, you want audio and video (if possible) evidence of the facts of the case. If it does come down to refusing her entry and/or calling the police, having hard evidence that she is the one at fault will make all the difference.
Yes, by all means, remove yourself and your mother from the situation! If you’re in a public space and she starts this noise, take your mother and leave. Feel no guilt about leaving your sister behind - you wouldn’t feel guilty about leaving a mugger behind, and being emotionally mugged and assaulted is no different. If you cannot convince your mother to ban her from the house, make plans to avoid her whenever it’s feasible, and make plans for dealing with her when she shows up.
One more thing: the cops will be likely to be skeptical that you are being abused by a woman. It’s a shitty fact, but there you go. Remember that there are lots of ways to circumvent that kind of prejudice - starting with “If our sexes were reversed, would you be mocking my abuse? No? Then please consider what you’re doing right now in that light” and ending with “Can I have your name, precinct, and badge number, please? With whom should I address my concerns about your performance today?” The rule with police officers is simple: be polite, be helpful, be calm, and get their information. If you give them no ammunition, you’ll have less trouble - and if you have their name and badge number, you can take it up with their authority structure afterwards.
I’d like to thank everyone for their replies. One good (?) thing about the situation is that my sister’s outbursts are fairly predictable, so I can be ready to record them. She is like that Bree woman on Desperate Housewives; the house must be absolutely perfect and spotless, or she has an emotional meltdown. Especially if company is coming. So she shows up the day before the company arrives and “inspects” everything to make sure she won’t be “embarassed”. So if there’s a couple day’s worth of mail piled on the dining table, or if there’s cat hairs on the couch, or some drops of grease on the stovetop, or books lying around on chairs, or if we haven’t dusted for a week, she goes off. “You people are disgusting! You live in a pigsty! You people are pigs!” Well, I have been in a lot of people’s houses, and I can say that my mom’s house is one of the cleanest ones I have seen, and we even have a cleaning woman who comes once a week; but it’s still not good enough for my sister. Her expectations are totally unreasonable, especially given my mom’s physical condition.
Wow, I can’t imagine anyone behaving that way. I’ve always lived in a fairly docile family atmosphere. We took turns taking care of our mother. If someone raised their voice around my mother I would have asked them to leave. Going off about the stuff you described is abusive to your mother.
As for yourself, if she calls you and your mother pigs then call her on it. Look at her like you would a complete loon. Put it back on her. Tell her there is no excuse for a grown woman to raise her voice and call people names EVER and this behavior will no longer be tolerated.
I suspect that your sister doesn’t like you living with your mother for some reason. Maybe you’re living there rent free and she resents it. Hard to say. Confronting her behavior for what it is and demanding an explanation for it may get you to the bottom of it. You want to get her goat then tell her mom didn’t raise her this way and she doesn’t deserve to be treated in this manner and neither do you. Tell her you don’t know where it’s coming from and frankly don’t care if this is how it is manifested. Get in her face when you tell her and be as polite as possible.
Well…in for a penny, in for a pound. Go with the bitch-slap.
Huge, wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly male checking in. Ex was physically tiny, female, vindictive, and in possession of a weird, blind anger that could take hold for several days and nights at a time.
Suffice it to say I know what the inside of a police wagon, plice station, and court room look like.
My advice: Recognise that these situations often creep up subtly over months or years, and you’re not dumb or weak for falling victim to it “If I just keep quiet one more time to keep the peace, maybe she’ll change…” Try to spot things going wrong as early as you can. Remove yourself from the situation, and as much as I hate to say it, be the one to get the police invlved FIRST. Even if they don’t take you seriously, or even if you don’t want to press charges, make sure you get some sort of case number on file. Don’t be embarrassed to file a restraining order against somebody half your size. I sorely wish I had.
Right. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.
Go down to the police station and be calm, reasonable, rational. Don’t ask them to do anything, just say you’re concerned about how things are going, that you know things can spiral out of control, that you’re looking for advice, etc. And go back a few days or a week later to update them as necessary.
Thing is, if it goes to hell in a hurry, both parties will be trying to convince the cops that the other is wrong and all things being equal, it’s the man whom the police will assume to be a rat bastard. So frontload it in your favor now, while you can.
Then hold that card for later. If she gets irrational etc. you can use it: “Oh, I’ve been talking to the cops about you for weeks.” Smackdown!
Card up your sleeve when she gets vicious: “I’ve talked to the police…”
Oops, brain fart. Card #2 up your sleeve: “I’ve also talked to a lawyer…”
I’d consider looking up some information on what you’re dealing with. Here are some excellent books on dealing with difficult people.
Understanding the dynamic goes a long way toward being able to defuse it. There are some good techniques in those books to deal with the problem, but they all take time and a good deal of effort. But in this case, it might be worth it since you seem to have few good viable options. Good luck!
If you live in the United States, you need to consult your state laws before you surreptitiously record a conversation. Even face-to-face conversations are subject to some state wiretapping laws.
Missed the edit window: If you happened to live in Florida, for example, you’d be subject to a statute which basically says that anyone who intentionally records a conversation with a person who reasonably doesn’t expect to be recorded is guilty of a felony.
That, and all wiretapping laws I have ever seen, only apply to the police and other authorities. Private citizens are not held to any restrictions to recording their own discussions.
No, you’re mistaken.
The statute, like many, applies to any person. Person is defined as “any employee or agent of the State of Florida or political subdivision thereof, of the United States, or of any other state or political subdivision thereof, and any individual, partnership, association, joint stock company, trust, or corporation.”
Linda Tripp, for example, was famously prosecuted for violating Maryland’s wiretap law as a citizen.
There is a whole other side to this story, just as there is to the OP. The lack of incredulity being applied in this thread is very surprising.