Because I really don’t want to go to jail for punching her lights out, and I can’t leave the house because then she’ll just continue to take it out on our mom. (This is my sister I’m talking about). I don’t think it rises to the level that the police would do anything about, but it’s just a torrent of mean, nasty comments. Today it went on for about two hours. What can I do?
My immediate impression is that you are a grown man and do not have to tolerate her behavior. You can remove yourself from the situation. Your mother is also presumably a grown woman who doesn’t have to tolerate it either. There’s no reason to be a martyr for her.
I’m sorry if this seems glib–my mother was an explosive, abusive person and I watched her berate and abuse her respective husbands into gibbering messes. They allowed her to do this, and they allowed her to drive them to abusive behavior too. There is no reason for that. You are an adult and you can walk away. Your mother is an adult and she can walk away. I mean that with all the tenderness in the world. It isn’t easy, but that hostile bitch is not worth your emotional well-being.
If you leave her standing there talking to herself, what can she do? In other words, can you take your mother with you when you go? At least for a while? How old is your sister? Does she live in your mom’s house? Does she mean to be this bad, or is she falling into patterns from habit? (I can’t really think she doesn’t know, but sometimes people don’t see what they do.) What happens if you just refuse to take it? If you just keep telling her no, but not getting upset, which is obviously what she wants. She wants to hurt you, or your mother. If that doesn’t happen, what does she, or will she do?
If she’s living in your mom’s house you might want to get some information about what it would take to get her out of there. Of course, that would take your mother’s cooperation, but if it gets bad enough at least you’d be prepared.
Actually, she can’t. She’s 74 and had just come home from 3 hours of dialysis.
thirdwarning:
“Can you take your mother with you when you go?” No.
“How old is your sister?” 42
“Does she live in your mom’s house?” No.
“Does she mean to be this bad, or is she falling into patterns from habit?” Probably habit.
“What happens if you just refuse to take it? If you just keep telling her no, but not getting upset…” That’s what I’ve been doing.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you’re doing what you can. Could you get your sister to leave with you? Doesn’t really sound like it, but I don’t really know what else, unless you do want to get the police involved. And that would probably escalate it beyond repair. If they’d even do anything about it.
Would your sister listen to you if you talked to her some other time about this? Can you make her see what she’s doing?
Yeah, like you haven’t already tried that. I’m really just trying to be supportive here, because it sounds like a pretty untenable situation. Ain’t families fun sometimes? :dubious:
My snarky answer to the thread title is that you can just call her a “cunt”. Women hate that.
In all seriousness, it sounds like the best solution would just be to ban her from the house. If she doesn’t live there, just throw her out. You haven’t really spelled out the living situation with you and your mom, but since your sister doesn’t live there she doesn’t have any specific right to be there if she’s being abusive. If she refuses you can get the authorities involved in this case. Not sure that’s the ideal solution and one would hope that your banning her from the place would make an impression and change her ways, or at least get her to tone it down, but it’s about the only thing you can do. It sucks and it’s hard but she’s not really giving you any choice.
Can you finagle a home health aid for your mother? If so, explain the situation to the service – they will be happy to send a “bitch with an attitude” who will dump on your sister all day long.
And the police will(usually) get involved if there’s someone in your house you don’t want to be there. Your mom could call the police on your sister and have them remove her. Or you could bar entry in the first place.
I would second this suggestion, just based on all we currently know about the situation. I would of course, give your sister one or two warnings. Calmly say: “If you continue to treat and talk to our mother and myself like that - the police will be getting involved and I will be looking to stop you from coming into this house. I don’t want to do this, but that’s the situation you’re putting me in because your behaviour is utterly intolerable.”. You don’t have to put up with that sort of immature crap and neither does your mother.
It might also help - if you do get the police involved - if there is anyone else who has witnessed the behaviour. A family friend or other relative who might be willing to say so to the police. Otherwise it may end up her word against yours (and your mother’s, of course, if she’s up to it).
I’m sorry for your situation, it’s really hard to deal with, especially within a family. I hope your mother recovers well and I hope you manage to deal with your sister.
On preview: also - what brazil84 said.
Actually, I’m kicking myself now; I could have recorded it all with my cell phone. I will next time.
When it comes to a domestic situation, never understime how much the police/society want to get involved. It used to be a private matter, now it is the community’s Sacred Duty to be the referee in all family and marital arguments.
That being said, as a man, you will lose, unless you allege drug use, or elderly abuse. But even then, you don’t want to get the police involved. The only positive side of getting the police involved is that they will mess up your life so bad, that the original problem will seem wonderful by comparison. You and your sister will probably reunite to get the police out of your lives.
I’ve been there, and it isn’t worth it. My advice would be to first talk to your sister, and then talk to an attorney. Don’t ever dial 911 except in the gravest of circumstances. Trust me.
Leave the house, then call the cops. Tell them you’re afraid to go near the house while your abusive sister is there. Do not go near the house until the cops show up and then confront your sister with the cops.
jtgain is right. As a man, you can get screwed so easily. Try, try try to get a social worker in to witness things.
I was gonna say tape it, but I see you’ve thought of that.
Unless you want to try some drastic legal maneuver like having your mother declared imcompetent to handle her own affairs, you are limited in what you can do.
- Persuade your mother to order her to leave and call the police if she doesn’t.
- Persuade your mother to not let her in in the first place.
- Persuade your sister to stop.
Personally, I reccommend option #4, if 1-3 have failed:
- Offer your mother an escape, “C’mon, mom let’s go see a movie (or dinner, or pretty much anything).” Take her out of the house and away, in your car. Don’t let sis come.
Legalities aside, behaviorists would say that extinguishing a behavior requires removing any of the rewards it elicits. If she likes flustering you, for instance, you have to stop being flustered…stop giving her the satisfaction The simplest thing is to lock the door and don’t answer it. Your mom may not be willing to do that and such is her choice. I’d get every family member I could (uncles, cousins, whatever) to persuade your mom that seeing her daughter isn’t in her best interest, that the daughter needs outside help, and so on. But if your mom maintains that she must not refuse to see her daughter? Either I would have lots of witnesses around or I would absent myself from the proceedings.
Your mileage may vary depending on what state you live in, but I think it’s called “Assault and battery” because you don’t have to batter (i.e. physically beat) someone to assault. Words can equal assault. It may be time to start putting some of her words on the record with local authorities.
I’d definitely talk to the police, NOW. I don’t mean to ask them to take any action. Just go down to the local precinct and tell them what’s going on. Get your side of the story on the record, ask guidance, thank them for their time, show yourself to be a reasonable, decent, upright citizen. It could be that nothing will ever happen but if it ever does, at least you were there from the start, a calm voice of reason and that sort of thing.
Good luck!
What if you asked your sister, when you’ve both calmed down, what she wants? What she wants to accomplish? What she is frustrated about and would like to see changed?
If she can pinpoint some actual issues, constructive ones, that might give you some leverage to get into counseling with her.
If not, then at least it is clear, to both you and her, that her verbal abuse doesn’t even have the shadow of a constructive reason. That makes her position less strong.
And oh yeah, tape it. Might come in handy.
What does your mom say about the situation? Is your sister repeating a family pattern here?
As to what you can do, the most effective thing, like said upthread, is not to reward her for her bullying behavior. Find some source of inner strenght and try to see her as a pathethic impotent bully. It might be effective to google for some self help books on bullying (for instanve bullying in the workplace) because that’s what your sister does.
People don’t bitch-slap anymore?
Similar situation.
Mom is certainly not going to call the cops or ban anyone. She just doesn’t need any more drama.
In that situation I just stand in and take the abuse on her behalf. Deflect it my way. It sucks (a lot) but I gave some thoughtful consideration to the whole thing and that’s least bad way to go.
Some other family member will rush to actively patch things up again. I’ve found it’s better to just let it all cool down for a while first.
I hope it works out for you.
Change the locks? Get a restraining order?
As I read this, it occurred to me that if I was yelling at somebody and they brought out a recording device and said “I’ve just recorded the last half-hour of your tirade and if you do it again I’m going to start posting them to Youtube,” I’d stop pretty darn quick.