So she came by the house the other day. I was in the kitchen, sharpening the knives. It’s a hot day, and she tells me she’s too sweaty to give me a hug, so she leans in for a kiss on the cheek. I tell her, a little brusquely, ‘no’, and get back to what I was doing. She turns and storms off, muttering to my sister’s friends about how nobody loves her.
Wow. Pardon me while I figure out why I entangle myself with women like that…
As they say on 4chan, “this thread is full of win!”
My favorite part “I was in the kitchen, sharpening the knives.”
Well played Sven. You are my new hero.
There is a technique and it’s called “redirecting”
This woman needs help, you’re not one to give it to her.
You don’t say “I can’t help you - BYE” well you could but then you are a “jerk.”
You say something like “You know, I can understand where you’re coming from. These are your choices, A, B, C, D.”
I had a co-work Yvonne. She wa always complaining about her boyfriend. So I said, “Well you could, leave him, stay with him and learn to live with it, or change him.” Why don’t you try one of those and let me know how it works?
She comes back the next day and cries, I act all confused. Didn’t you try what I said? Of course not. So I said, “Would you like me to go online with you and find some professional counseling for you? That could help. Let’s do it now.” Of course she was too busy to do that.
But you see my point. I’m no longer the jerk, SHE IS, because she’s not listening.
You redirect. You BRIEFLY listen, then you offer a solution and immediately urge her to act or leave you be.
Now you have to use good sense with this. For instance, if a woman told me her husband was hitting her, I wouldn’t leave her to her own devices. 'Cause a battered woman doesn’t think right. She needs to be physically removed from that situtation to a place where she can think correctly.
But you get the idea how to use redirecting.
She’s manipulating you, but I agree she may be doing so naively. I used to pull stuff like this when I was young, and honestly I didn’t know better. I genuinely thought I was having friendships, but looking back I see how I was often just keeping guys around and enjoying the ego boost. I had no idea of how powerful the tools I was wielding was.
When she said “I don’t know how I feel,” what she was really saying was “I don’t want to date you, but I want you to keep paying attention to me.” When she was complaining about her boyfriend, she was hitting on you outright. Trust me, every single time someone complains about their SO, they are hitting on you. But once again, even if something happened, you’d just be filling a temporary gap. She’d never be with you in the long term, she jut wants something to fill the need for that moment. And anyway, even if she was with you she’d probably just pull some other equally immature and hurtful thing at some point down the road.
I don’t, however, think she is unsalvageable or evil. Most of my earlier dysfunctional friendships turned into real and rewarding ones. But you guys have to get over the “friendship hump” and resolve your sexual feelings towards each other so that you can move on. Is that all really worth it to you? Only you can know.
Anyway, my reply whenever anyone comes to me with fake SO complaints is “Don’t come to me with this. You’re the one who picked her out. You wanted this. I’m don’t want to hear you complain about something you are still choosing to do.” This has been remarkably effective.
Wi
I’ve found more success using a different method, but I’ve no idea if it has a name or not.
You listen, offer some sympathy as appropriate, then ask, ‘So what are you going to do about it?’
If they say ‘I don’t know,’ you ask, ‘What are your options?’
If they still say they dont’ know, you say something noncommital like, ‘I hope you can sort something out.’
Basically, you don’t take the problem on at all. Because that’s what people often want - they want you to come up with the solution so that when it all goes wrong, it’s not their fault, it’s yours. By asking them what they’re going to do and what their options are, you’re indirectly making them take ownership.
Fellow sven: yeah, it’s definitely naive manipulation here; if she were being deliberate about it, I would have probably figured it out sooner. But, who knows? I know better by now than to write someone off forever. For all I know, I might wind up marrying her and spending the rest of my life fat and happy at her side. I’m just not betting on it. It’s not worth losing any more sleep over.
At any rate, I think I pissed her off enough by deflecting her like I did (cutlery helps), that I won’t have to deal with any more shoulder-crying for a long, long time. But I’ll keep in mind the advice I got here, in case I do have to deal with it in the future. Thank you, everyone; I’ve learned something.
Really? I can certainly think of situations in which this was true, but I could think of equally as many situations were I’m pretty damned sure it was just general venting. Plus I’ve complained in the past about a certain ex-GF to other females, and I absolutely hope none of those interpreted it as me hitting on them. And I’ve heard far too many stories of guys with the girlfriend-who-always-complains-about-the-boyfriend situation, but is not in the least bit sexually interested in the boy she’s complaining to. Or are you using a definition of “hitting on” that is different than what I’m thinking of (expressing sexual attraction to another person.) Other Doper women, does this jibe as a general rule?
So when my brother complained to me about his wife? (shudder)
Okay, if you guys have gotten over the “friendship hump” and are actual good share-everything confidents, then it’s not a coded message.
But if there is even a hint of sexual attraction between two people, and one of them comes out with the old “my boyfriend/girlfriend is bad blah blah blah” story, they are hoping you’ll feel like you can step in and prove that you are better. The caveat is they are just looking for some assurance that they are still desirable, and are probably not interested in anything real with you.
Also, obviously, I didn’t mean to reply “Wi.” I mean to say I found the quoted post pretty shocking and was surprised at the idea that it’s bad to “let” a woman be friends with you.
**Ditch the bitch. **
She’s a flake, playing both sides of the fence. Unfortunately you reside on top of the fence and only run into her when she’s hopping sides.
You don’t want someone like this in your life. Listen to “Basket Case” by Green Day. This song is you! You can take a pass on the jerk guilt. She forced you into it.
Tell her to get lost.
She’s being a spoiled rotten bitch. Tell her you’ll only help her if you get sex. That should either end up good for you or she’ll leave you alone
I understand that you need to stand up for yourself, but so many people recommend doing it in ways that would make you a jerk. As a jerk, you lose some of your status as a human. Yeah, you’re not going to lose as much status as, say, a murderer or rapist–as people tend to want to kill them, but it is very possible that, if you are too much a jerk, she will be willing to create a fiasco with your common friends.
And, seriously, what’s the point is addressing someone you don’t know, and won’t even hear you, as a bitch? What do you get out of insulting someone behind their back?
What constantine and astro said. All of it.
You’ve made a great move by figuratively bitch-slapping her when she went for the cheek kiss, and have re-established “hand” in this nonsexual relationship.
Now bang her and then never talk to her again.
You know, the way to avoid being a jerk is to get yourself out of a situation where you are messed around with a lot until you act out. I’ve been where you are, it never works out the way you hope it will and it just ends up with hurt feelings, get away from this person, at least for a while.