The problem I have with group conversations is that I’m not fast enough. In a one on one conversation, the other party has no choice but to wait while I think of something to say. In a group conversation, if I don’t say something quickly, someone else will fill in the silence as soon as possible.
Is there anything I can do to improve my speaking skills here?
Not fast enough how? Is it that you can think of something to say or that you can’t work up the nerve to say it or that you can’t find the spot to interject what you have to say? There could be all different reasons with all different solutions, if you could narrow it down a bit, it would be helpful.
A combination of all three.
Conversation is not a competition. Perhaps you should focus on quality, if speed isn’t your forte.
Next time it happens when you are about to speak yell out, “Shut the fuck up **Lakai **wishes to speak!” If anyone utters any noise at all punch them. After you have done this a few times they will begin to listen.
Also it will solve your whole problem with conversing in groups.
Out of nowhere get up and say ‘the jerk store called, and they’re running out of you’.
I get what the OP is saying, I think.
Sometimes, but not all the time, group conversation morphs into a competition to see who has the loudest voice/talks the most. In my experience, a lot of it is familial: The bigger the family of the speaker(s), the louder and/or more loquacious they tend to be. It’s simply a bid for attention.
As to what to do…you know, I’m not sure. I’ve tried playing the game both by one-upping and quality conversation over quantity, but I’ve failed miserably at both. Nowadays I just sit back, listen, and silently chuckle to myself at how cartoonish they all are.
Great question. I have been all over the spectrum on this one. The dynamics of the group you are in and how well you fit in determine how much they will value your input. If they are talking MMA fighting and you are a biologist your input may not have much value. Sometimes humor is driving a conversation, or politics etc. I think the first step is just know what you are talking about and project confidence in your statements.
In all honesty it must be more difficult nowadays for the less forthright people. I have noticed gradually over the last few years a change in the standards of conversation, particularly the mid 20s graduates. It’s almost as though they constantly fear never being heard again.
Many seem to find it difficult to take a back seat in a conversation and just listen. They feel the need to express often half formed ideas as soon as they have them. They tend to be louder than required and have fleeting attention spans that aid them in both interrupting others and missing comments aimed at them.
Anyhow as a boss I can oveercome these petty annoyances - I can tell people to just listen for a while and save the questions for later. In meetings I will notice **Lakai ** wants to say something, so I will interrupt and give him a chance.
And unfortunately that is the only advice I can think of - start noticing when other people want to say something and butt in on their behalf. Later on you will find it easier to butt in for yourself.
Though you may still struggle to get in the split second zinger.
Many years ago I belonged to this organization.
Although area clubs may differ, the one I attended was awesome in providing what you are looking for.
NM, stupid advice.
Toastmasters (at least the chapter I went to) is good for one-way public speaking, but not so great for group conversations or trying to facilitate a room full of speakers.
What Lakai is talking about (I think) is knowing when to take his/her “turn” in a group conversation. In most conversations, people will allow a brief “window” of silence where other participants can add their input. Depending on the individual or the local culture, the size of that window can differ dramatically. For example, to an outsider, people in New York may seem like they are talking loudly and constantly, even over each other at times. When in reality, we might be thinking “when is this guy going to say something so I can stop talking!”
This, I think, is a mix of understanding the dynamics of the current group, topic, context, and confidence (which can vary depending on the previous aspects). I’m by no means great at this, but I will definitely respond very differently depending on those things.
For instance, if we’re in a casual setting with mostly friends and family on a topic I’m passionate about, I’ll have no problem interjecting. If they’re talking about something I don’t know much about or don’t care much about, I’ll probably just listen unless directly prodded. If we’re in a meeting at work, I’ll very seldom interject because the group dynamics are such that I need to defer to the people running the meeting, but there are times when I know I’m the most knowledgeable on the topic and I need to say something.
Really, though, the only way to get good at it is to practice. I enjoy people watching, and at social settings, I’ll usually just sit back and watch until I see a group talking about something I want to take part in. By that time, I have a feel for the mood and dynamics of the conversation. The other thing to keep in mind is that it’s generally not going to be the sort of thing where you’ll have something particularly deep to say. That works in a one-on-one situation or even one-to-many, where people will wait for your thoughts, but in a many-to-many conversation, the silence will get filled, and the experiences shared will tend to need to stay roughly with what everyone involved has in common, which will tend to mean a bit more superficial. As such, if you’re looking for something deep to say, you’re often going to be stuck not getting to say anything.
For example, if I’m in a social setting and people start talking music, I’ll often participate, even if I’m mostly listening. I’m into pretty obscure music, so where I might ramble on about some awesome album I bought recently in a one-on-one situation, I’ll tend to stick to much more accessible aspects about my passion in music and read how people respond. Like, if they don’t seem so interested, I might try to focus more on stuff they are familiar with, but if they do, I’ll very well pick it up and run with it. Obviously, if I’m with a group of people I’m closer to, we’ll probably be more likely to talk about deeper stuff, but then I don’t so much have to worry about having my turn to speak because they’ll want to hear what I have to say and vice versa.
Would you say that your friends are rather pushy in this regard? As in, lots of interrupting is expected. people start to speak louder and louder?
And if it’s something you feel really passionate about, does that make it easier?
Is the confrontational aspect that you have a problem with, ie shouting out “rubbish! it’s actually…”?
I also wonder how they perceive you. You might be the pensive one, the one they know thinks before he speaks, the one they actually all value all the more for not being the pushy shouty one. Joining their ranks might not be what you want at all.
Sorry to just ask more questions, I’d like to be able to offer some advice.
Here’s a thought: try to start off with just simply agreeing or disagreeing. The words will come as you go. Start off with a good: “yes, that’s absolutely right”, then let the rest of the thoughts form.
To hold the conversation, don’t try to compete. Don’t go even louder, definitely don’t start speeding up. Once you have the attention, lean back, speak slowly and at normal volume. This will make you the godfather. All eyes and ears will be on you.
I really, really think you should read Impro, Improvisation and the Theatre by Keith Johnstone. It may seem from the title to be unrelated, but trust me, it’s more about life & human interaction than anything else.
For me, the problem is completely about timing.
When I have something to say, I wait for an appropriate pause before jumping in, and then when it comes, someone else has started talking before I got the chance. And it works in reverse too: I will pause just to catch my breath, and before I can continue, someone else will jump in, and if I complain, they respond, “It sure sounded to me like you were done.” This happens so often that I really think that my brain works slower than other people’s brains.
It’s bad enough when someone else speaks just as I was starting to. But what REALLY kills me is when the topic of conversation changes before I said my piece.
Short stock answer: Take an improv comedy class.
Longer answer: Don’t even bother. It seems in group conversations it’s hard to get in more than a sentence or two, and only a few people get heard. And those people are the group’s Alpha Male, Queen Bee, and attention whore(s). I have the highest quality conversations whenever I arrive at a social event early or stay out late. There’s less people and they are less distracted.
I had this funny picture in my mind of a big muscular dude carrying around a big-ass gong and with a simple nod of your head, give one ear-splitting strike of the gong to let everyone know it’s your turn.
And this, too. And then read Impro between classes.
Was it “cocaine”? That was gonna be mine.
My only solution is just not to hang out in those groups where people do that. The social skill you lack is not improvisation, but the ability to not listen to what the other person is saying while formulating what you are going to say. While not all groups are like this, those groups are not made up of people who are listening or trying to come up with anything interesting. They are just extroverts who just feel they need to talk at all times. You’re better off staying away from those groups if you are an introvert and want to say anything that requires actual thought.
It may seem like these are the only groups out there, but that’s because extroverts are louder and thus more obvious. There are plenty of groups of introverts or at least lesser extroverts. You can find a group that is more your speed, or that has that “leader” who takes it upon themselves to make sure everyone gets some input.
Or you can do what I used to do, and be the one who starts the groups and gets everyone together. You automatically get a say if you are the one who starts the conversations.