I have been doing things I normally wouldn’t do. I have been checking to see what is out there, but it hasn’t been making me happy. My life hasn’t come to a standstill because of her, but it isn’t quite the same.
The one thing that stresses me out most though, is that I’ll never have the opportunity to show her the changes I’ve made. (of course these changes are still pending or in the works)
If you want to “show her the changes [you]'ve made”, then you aren’t really making them for yourself…
Are you positive she still has feelings for you, or ever did, for that matter? Depending on how long you were together, there is still a chance she might.
On Sex in the City they say that it will take her half the time you dated for her to forget about you. So if you dated longer than four months, my man, you are still in business. Otherwise, listen to Kamandi.
I don’t think she has feeling for me any longer. And I’m not making these changes just because of her, I’m making them for myself too. If I do decide find someone else, I don’t want to make the same mistakes again, and screw up another relationship.
Well, that’s perfect. Ask her out. Say you just missed her friendship and you would like to shoot some pool(no pun intended) or something. Don’t come onto her or anything, play it like you really do just want to hang out and be friends. You can even tell her that.
Rebuild the relationship like you have never met her before, and as if you aren’t the least bit attracted to her. Let her buy her own drinks, and make sure you bring a couple of friends along. Even tell her one of your friends thinks she’s hot, like your trying to set them up and she’s the last thing on your mind.
If you and her start to see each other in a new light then it will work itself out, otherwise it a done deal, revert to the Kamandi Strategy.
first you said
“I didn’t do anything that would warrant the treatment I received. I didn’t cheat on anyone or lie, or forget a birthday. The person wanted space, and I took it really too personally…”
then you said
“I don’t think she has feeling for me any longer. And I’m not making these changes just because of her, I’m making them for myself too. If I do decide find someone else, I don’t want to make the same mistakes again, and screw up another relationship.”
I am confused as to why you feel you have screwed up this relationship, and what mistakes you feel you have made.
Being insecure was enough to piss her off. By me not giving her the space, she felt that I wasn’t confident in myself.
Ah. Solutions. I’m going to be very blunt.
Is she a puzzle, a complicated problem to “solve”? If only you could figure out the right buttons to push! The right words to fit into the right locks!
Or is she a human being who made her own choices?
The true strength and beauty of any relationship lies in that it is built upon the free choices of both (or X number, to be inclusive of the polyamory folks) people involved in it. Those choices are made each day, consciously or unconsciously, explicitly or implicitly, but they are made. When they are freely chosen and move in measure together, that is a healthy, functional relationship. The more out of tune those choices move, the more shaky the relationship is. Past a certain point of moving out of measure, the relationship is no more.
She made her choices. By not “giving up”, by wanting to “solve” her choice, you–very bluntly–show contempt for it.
Stop. Sit still. Breathe silently. All things are finite, all things impermanent, all things come to their end. Give thanks for the time you had, do so honestly.
And then walk away, because if you don’t let this go, if you persist in wanting to “solve” another person’s choices, the only result you’re going to achieve is bringing more suffering into the world. By my reckoning, that’s wrong no matter which way you slice it. But I think you’ll end up doing so anyway, which is a shame.
What’s worse, it’s a pattern you’ll probably repeat–people tend to be cyclical critters in their actions. My best hopes you learn what the pattern has to teach you without it needing to go through too many iterations before you get it.
So, if I understand this correctly, you were too clingy and she broke up with you?
If you don’t want this to happen again, you should really spend some time focusing on yourself right now. Learn to be more independent, and have fun by yourself. (No, not like that you perverts! Although, hey…) Date people casually, without getting into any serious relationships for a while. Take up new hobbies. Hit the gym. Take a dance class.
Being more confident and independent will make you so, so much better in future relationships. And a lot happier, in my experience.
If I could find the right words
At the right time
You’d be mine
That’s the key.
There is always going to be a “what if” in this story. I don’t know if I can spend my entire life wondering about it, and I guess I shouldn’t. I know a solution what present itself right now, but with time it might, maybe the opportunity will arise some day, and then maybe not. I wish I thought about my actions before I implemented them, and maybe things would have been different. Your advice has been very welcome. I shouldn’t disrespect her wishes. By respecting her wishes, I’m making her happy, right? So I’ll just have to leave her alone.
C’mere, God… ::slap!:: There ya go. Feel better?
You are so worked up about this, you can’t think straight. Let me show you something:
Take it from someone who’s been there: there will be NO opportunity with this girl. IT’S OVER. Let’s say you have changed, and she miraculously gives you another shot. She will ALWAYS be looking for the clinginess that she hated in the first place. She’ll see it in every overture and romantic gesture you make. It’ll drive her nuts. It’ll drive you nuts proving to her that you’ve changed. Relationship doomed. In any case, it seems clear that she and you wanted different things from this relationship. Forget about the “what if’s”. The ONLY solution is for you to put this all behind you.
Nonsense. You did what you felt you needed to. To do anything else would have been dishonest. What would you have done, kept your true feelings or intentions a secret, leading her to believe you felt some other way? That’s insulting both to her and to yourself. Her dumping you was not an off-the-cuff thing. Otherwise, she would have taken you back by now. Face it: you and her are INCOMPATIBLE.
You’re halfway there, pal, but your goal should be to make YOURSELF happy. She’ll do just fine making herself happy. She’s probably WAY happier than you are right now.
Take the first step toward getting on with your life: Ask Lynn or Tuba to change your handle.
Kamandi ::kneeling:: you’re my God!
Seriously, I am going through the same thing God is, for the last 14 months. I’m glad I stumbled onto this page, because of all the good advices y’all gave. And I think LNO is also right in that I can’t ever forget her.
I don’t want to hijack the thread, but I think your answer to my one question might help God also:
I’ve been doing all the things that you guys said I should do to make myself happy, i.e. breaking out of my normal patterns, meeting others and such, but how do you “let go”? I mean the practical, the day-by-day actual action of “letting go.” I mean I can go out and have fun all day, but as soon as I get in bed to sleep, the whole thing pops in my mind and plays itself over and over. I usually lose a couple hours of sleep every night. How do I convince myself to stop thinking about her and what happened?
My situation is a little more complicated than God’s, but I would appreciate all the help you guys offer.
Seriously, most relationships should take about half the time of the relationship to resolve emotionally. If it goes on too long there might be another factor at work- as some people are just emotionally relationship obsessive, which is not a judgement; but a state of mind.
With some women just before their period they get spacey. I have asked a few of them about this so I won’t get any arrows bringing it up; but yes its true. The additional hormones cause them to want space & the man should respect this.
GodImStupid, even if you did get back with her, you’d have to go through her emotional swings like this pretty often & they usually get stronger & longer as time goes on as you become more emotionally close to her & the battles thus, get even longer.
In the future, when the woman is talking to you still, ask what you can do to get her back should she ever get this angry at you & then youll know what to do.
Here’s a thread along the same theme. I posted my long story, which sounds a lot like yours, God. I’m right there with you. However, I’m learning. Maybe you should take a sec to read this short thread.
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=77031
I guess you just have to live and learn, right? Yeah I’ve been through the same type of thing too, I hope I can help just a little.
Don’t blame yourself, for goodness sake try not to place all the blame squarely on your shoulders. I wouldn’t advise completely blaming the other person either, though. As a matter of fact there really is no blame to place, you grew apart, it was something that you both did. The situation is probably going to haunt you for a long time and every single time you’re going to wonder what would have happened if you had done things differently. Try not to, it wasn’t just you. Maybe you feel like it’s your fault because you pushed all the wrong buttons, but realize that she had those buttons before she ever met you. You can’t change the past so don’t dwell on the "what if"s because they only get you down.
Be careful, be very careful with your feelings. You’re probably going to go through a lot, I know I did, but try to realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and no it isn’t a freight train. You might feel like what she did was completely unjustified for a while and hate her for it, and/or you might think that you’re horrible and unloveable and you screwed up and it’s all your fault and she’s perfect, and/or nothing will really matte as long as she’s happy and you’ll go out of your way for her. Get the picture? Try to stay away from berating yourself too much, like the other posters have said, you need to feel good about you. If you don’t you could go through what I went through and trust me, bad self image leads to very bad things, and you don’t want to ever be seriously depressed, not over something that you might want to laugh about in 10-20 years.
Just like everyone else has said, go out and be happy, concentrate on you. Yeah, it won’t be the same, things will never be the same, but you learn to live with it. You never really forget the ones that you love, just that with time the bad memories fade and you can smile at the rest. Give it time, and maybe with time she’ll see you in a different light too, don’t count on it, but know that it’s a possibility. I’m now best friends with my ex-boyfriend, but I went through hell to get to this point, hopefully you’ll be better off than I was.
Good luck and if you ever need to talk just IM me or e-mail me I’ll help out as best I can.
Kitty
Well if its something you have to learn, grow some and God/Fate/karma will give you a second chance to “prove” you aren’t a clingy weak souled idiot.
But probably not with her.
Go live well, grow lots, and follow all the opportunities for growth and reward that life gives you.
And if she doesn’t want to know you anymore, I think its her decision to make. Deciding that its “wrong” is not really up to you. Its showing contempt for how she has chosen to live her life. Which you can do if you want, just don’t try to paint it pretty for yourself. Or does “No means no” not sound familiar?
You either screwed the pooch or didn’t fit her life (or some mix of the two). She decided she didn’t need you in it. Demanding a place in her life can have legal repercussions at this point. So ditch the “second chance” whining and pull yourself together. Life gets rough and sometimes you just have to get on with it. This is a great group to work on getting on with it with.
But, personally, I will refuse help toward manipulating an innocent party into giving any second changes they don’t want to give.
And what Drastic said. If you’re making changes for future relationships, (no comment on the solidarity of that, but hey, live happy.) you might want to consider not thinking its your job in life to manipulate people into line with you. It’s not persistance, it’s egomania.
Be well.
Hey friend, Drastic has given you some ideas upon which you would be very wise to meditate. There are some real gems in his post, and you should take them to heart.
I speak only because I’ve experienced situations similar to yours, and at this point in my life can see the truth in his advice to you.
The only addition I would make is that you find some way to do something good for other people.(volunteer at a soup kitchen, etc.) By serving others you’ll make a valuable contribution to society, feel good about yourself, and keep your mind occupied with something other than your own problems. I know you’re going through a difficult time, but you can use this period to do some serious growing, and take your life in a more positive direction. Good luck.
Thanks all for your valuable advise. IT’s been a complicated period, but as the days have gone by, I’ve found out a few more things about this woman, which has made me realise that I had reasons for feeling the way I did (the insecurities).
Two of my friends and I had a falling out that lasted eight years. I emailed an apology to each of them year before last, and they forgave me. I guess dumb luck played a big role in my contacting them when I did - I’d been feeling guilty for years, and when a mutual friend died I wanted to seek them out. One of the girls said that she was glad I didn’t come along and apologise then, because she wouldn’t have forgiven me then. Now she says that we were both to blame, and that she’s sorry too. We’ve been on speaking terms again for two years now, and I’m so glad. We were always great friends. It was a silly fight.
YMMV.