Wear Khakis. Just before you walk in, pour half a bottle of Aquafina down the front of your pants. Casually mention that you’re really nervous.
If they try to get you to go in the car with them, as you approach the car start screaming that you are being kidnapped thusly: “Aaah! Aaah! Amber Alert, Amber Alert!”
So they send you on cold calls with you in the car? Depending on how much you want to piss them off, arrange with a friend to pick you up after the first cold-call, where you go in, and as soon as you get a chance to speak, lean forward, grin, and say, “Hey. These guys are a total goddamn scam. What say we call the cops and watch this asshole get dragged off to jail?”
Or while the lead asshole is talking, pull out your cell phone and call police headquarters, asking what you can do about fraud happening in the city.
Daniel
Grease your hands with butter or shortening. Shake as many hands and touch as many doorknobs as possible.
Bring some loose cereal in your pants pocket. Offer the interviewer some during the interview. Explain that it’s “for the ladies.”
Build and wear a hat consisting of a construction helmet with a foot-long jelly dildo glued upright to the top of the helmet. A beer hat is a good alternative base.
Pretend to be a citizen of the past century of your choice; bonus points if you dress the part. Feign fascination with and/or fear of such newfangled devices as telephones and steel.
Shave during the interview. Better yet, have a friend come in and shave you the old-school way, with a straight blade and that little brush. Have a friend’s child shine your shoes.
Midway through the interview, utter a ten-second scream at the top of your lungs. Act as though nothing has happened and deny having raised your voice in any way.
Wildly vary the volume of your voice, choosing a new volume after each question.
Respond to each question with a different accent. If able, respond to each question with a different language.
Write your resume in crayon on the back of a Denny’s placemat
Bring a Foreman grill with you, place it on the interviewer’s desk, and proceed to cook bacon. Without the fat drip tray.
Repeatedly take phone calls during the interview. Insult the interviewer during your conversations.
Leave an open can of tuna fish under the seat of their car.
Bring a string of firecrackers in your briefcase. When you reach in to retrieve your “resume”, light the firecrackers and close the briefcase. Then when they go off, yell “Hit the deck! Charlie’s gonna get us!”. I believe this will entitle you to protected status in the employment process as a “Vietnam-era veteran”.
“Thank you for having me in to interview. Before we begin, would you pray with me?”
Come dressed as a Bhuddist monk. As soon as you enter the interview room, begin chanting and meditating for at least a half hour. Then ask if you can have a big, juicy steak, nice and rare. Tell them you are quite eager to give them all your worldly possessions in your quest for enlightenment, then hand over a backpack full of worthless junk.
Come dressed as an evil clown. Draw a pentagram on the floor, put black candles all around and a bucket of KFC (rigged with firecrackers and stage blood) in the middle, then speak in tongues or backwards Latin, throw bones with runes inscribed on them, crap like that. Light the fuse on the firecrackers, start shouting for the almighty spirit of Krustifer to come forth, then just as the bucket of chicken explodes and sprays stage blood everywhere, pretend to have an orgasm. Then ask nonchalantly when you can start. Also ask for a flexible schedule, because you have a brisk business doing birthday parties for kindergarteners.
There were lots of great ideas. For a little more subtlety:
Give perfect interview answers to questions other than what the interviewer is asking. For example:
Q) Where do you see yourself in five years?
A) I consider myself a self-starter and very motivated. If I have one fault, it’s that I devote much of my free time to doing company work.
or
Q) What experience do you have with mass-marketing?
A) I left my last job to look for a place where I could grow and have opportunities. That is why I want to work for your company.
Show him a ton of pictures of a pet cat. Call him Mr. Whiskers.
At the end of the interview, tell him that it was the toughest college admissions interview you ever had and that you hope the Dean accepts you.
Wear a very professional woman’s suit (not effective if you’re female).
Doze off while he’s describing the company.
When you meet him, act like he’s a long-lost high-school friend and give him a hug.
Constantly use a wrong name that is not even close to his real name.
Continually refer back to your resume anytime he asks a question, even if the answer is not on it. For one of the questions say, “I wish to use my Fifth Amendment priviledge.”
When he asks, “Do you have any questions?” say, “Yes, what were the three colors on the flag of Upper Volta?”
Great suggestions but if it where me, I would find someone who had Amway products, take a briefcase full of Amway literature and while he is trying to sucker you into his/her scheme, you try to sucker them into Amway’s scheme.
This is a complete and total hijack, but I have to share . . . .
I once went to a baby shower where the father of the mother-to-be waited until she had unwrapped the gifts, then set up an easel and treated us all to an extremely lenghty Amway pitch.
Two words: sexual innuendo.
I was living on unemployment and had to go on any job interview arranged by the state employment agency. The corker was when they set up an interview for a minimum wage job 15 miles (two bus rides) from where I was living that started at 7 a.m. The interview itself was set for 8 in the evening. Not going would have jeopardize my unemployment checks, so I had to go.
I don’t know where the “those people” ploy came, but it worked nicely. It has been used by other people with the same result.
You probably don’t own a kilt, so here are some more ideas:
Refer to yourself only in the third person. or maybe only as “this one”. Example: “This one is a fast learner.” (yeah, I lifted this from an old “how to annoy your room mate” list)
Fiegn facial paralysis, Parkinson’s disease, stroke victim, etc. When (probably if) they offer to take you for the car ride, inquire as to how long the ride will be, as you have limited bladder endurance.
Along those lines, you could become suddenly content and serine, to the point of distracting your interviewer. When this is noticed, remark “I don’t know how I ever got along before Depends!”