I recently learned that a friend of mine was in two car accidents within two days. He walked away from the first one without a scratch. However, the second one has done a real doozy. He has extensive injuries and was just recently taken off the respirator.
I’ve never known anybody in this situation and I feel like I want to do something. But I’m in Denver and he’s in Walnut Creek, CA, unable to speak and most likely unable to read (since he’s sedated.) I feel really helpless, because I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do for him, other than just wish him good healing thoughts. His family has set up a website chronicling his injuries and the healing process since his accident, and has suggested that people send him emails that he can read later. I am planning to do that. However, that doesn’t feel like enough to me. I want to feel like I’m doing something. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks in advance.
You could try a weekly tape of yourself and any other mutual friends just shooting the breeze like your having a beer with him. Jokes you’ve heard, how his team went this week, what’s on TV…whatever you would talk about. If it sounds OK send it otherwise nothing lost. You would have to check with his parents/carers that a player is available and they are happy to play it.
Cards, flowers…they may be too ‘normal’ for what you are wanting to do but they help more than you think (once he’s sufficiently aware at least to read the cards and look at the flowers). The flowers add some life (literally and figuratively) to dull hospital rooms and cards let him know people are out there concerned for his welfare.
The e-mail thing is a good idea too. A slight spin on the previous posts could be for you to compile info in an e-mail you know he’s interested. You don’t even need to re-write anything. Cut and paste stories of things he’s interested in to the e-mail. Sports, news, entertainment…whatever.
If he is likely to spend awhile in the hospital maybe sending him a Gameboy and a few games would be worthwhile. This assumes of course that he would like such a thing and will have the ability (at some point) to actually use it.
Thanks, everyone. Those are all good ideas. I think I might send a plant (rather than flowers, lasts longer) or have my friend who lives there get one for me and have it brought to him.
Dopers, have any of you been or had family members in the hospital? What would have been welcome or helpful to you while this was going on?
I don’t know this guy’s family at all, so I don’t know the protocol.
I just ask them what they want. Some people don’t want anything, they just want to be left alone.
If they can’t tell me then I would ask the family what I can do. The place should also have a gift shop & an info line staffed with people who would know what to do & I would call & set something up.
after two involuntary stays in the hospital, things i would have really appreciated:
books to read
my contact lens case and solution for storage
a hairbrush
bathrobe (once you’re allowed out of bed)
slippers (non-slide soles)
things that might interest others:
paper/stationery and pens
magazines
crossword puzzles
moist towelettes for bedside (good for wiping your face/hands without having to call a nurse)
pocket-pack of kleenex
something to extend your reach (everything seems like it’s always just beyond your reach when you’re flat on your back)
walkman/MP3 player (if roomie hogs the TV and insists on watching drek)
of course, you have to keep in mind that everything that’s accessible has to fit onto a surface the size of a bedside nightstand.
If he is imcommunicado for now, I would have a nice meal sent to his family- even if you don’t know them well. Or pick up a gift certificate for a place like Boston Market or Honeybaked Ham. If you cannot help him directly now, supporting his family would be a great thing, IMHO.
Video e-mail. Make a few shout-outs from his buds, let him hear your voices. When he isnt so sadated, he can play back your e-mail and see the faces with the voices.
After a total hospital stay of 2+ weeks, things I would have killed for:
Books on tape or CD (I couldn’t focus my brain long enough to read much with the drugs, but listening is more passive)
Ditto the bathrobe and slippers
If he doesn’t already have one, and you think it’s safe to have in the hospital room,a Walkman and music to listen to
Trashy magazines
Munchy food - hospital food sucks! It’s bland as hell. I was always begging my mom to bring spicy Szechuan eggplant with garlic, just so I could eat something with flavor!
A pillow or two that makes it actually comfy to sit up, once he’s ready: one of those dorm-type wedge pillows for reading in bed would have been great, the kind with the armrests, or depending on the type of injuries, one of those full-length body pillows
Prepaid phone cards, so he can call you and other friends/family long-distance when he’s feeling lucid
And for some reason, it was impossible to get the nursing staff to help me wash up, and I was pretty darn immobile, what with the IV and the rods sticking out of my leg, and the dizziness fom the drugs. After a couple of days, my scalp was itching like crazy, but I couldn’t get any help washing my hair until my sister finally came and did it. But I hear some hospitals have a hairdresser around for long-term inpatients, so maybe you could arrange something like that?
Good luck and best wishes to your friend. And another helpful hint I discovered: IME there is a world of difference between how a nursing assistant with 6 weeks of training moves a severely injured person, and how an experienced RN does it. So when I needed help repositioning or getting up, I would ask for my pain medicaiton at the same time, so they’d have to send an RN.
Regarding plants & flowers – do check with the family first. Some sections of some hospitals discourage these as they are ready sources of bugs & germs. This may be a particular risk if he’s using a respirator.
I go along with others on the support the family idea. A lot of folks SAY “Oh, if there’s anything I can do…” but families are often reluctant to ask.
Cards, especially big cheerful ones are more help than you might guess, especially if there is a new one sent every so often. It’s nice when you have a lucid moment to be able to see something colorful and cheerful.
A note of caution on MP3s, tape players, etc. Many hospitals discourage having anything of value in the hospital room. It’s not that the staff are thieves, but especially when you’re sedated, any visitor or patient can wander in, “borrow” the item and forget to return it. Hospital staff members are very busy and try as they do to prevent this sort of thing, they have other concerns. Also, especially as he continues to recover, he will probably be moved do different levels of care, and it is very easy for things like that to honestly become misplaced curing a transfer to another room. When my dad was in the hospital last year, he lost an expensive set of hearing aids because he took them out & left them on the meal tray, and they apparently got mixed in with the various other stuff on the tray and discarded. This can also happen with stuff getting wrapped up in the bedsheets and covers. The general advice is not to have anything there that you would be upset about if you lost it.
