How can I survive the wife going to med school?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So here’s the thing… my fiance and I are getting married in two weeks time, we’ve been together 4 yrs and love each other to bits.

She’s decided she wants to be a doctor (she’s 28 yrs old, same as me) and has a place at medical school starting in September.

All v. exciting, and I’m chuffed to bits for her - but I know that the pressures of medical school ain’t always good for a relationship, especially 3 months into a new marriage.

I’m going to have to get a new job - need to pay for both of us now - which might mean one that involves travelling and time away from home.

It also means moving away from home and setting up in a new city (about 2 hrs away from where we are now).

Any ideas on how to survive the first couple of years?

I’m thinking we get a house slightly off campus - rather than living in uni accommodation - hopefully a bit of distance will make home “our space” and be a haven from the course.

Not sure what else - do I throw myself into student life with her and go to all the parties etc? Or do I let her go enjoy it all without feeling like she has me breathing down her neck the whole time?

Feeling a bit insecure I guess! All those hunky doctors - pressured environment with long hours - not sure a 9-5 office jockey will keep the spark firing for her, especially when the exams come around :frowning:

Anyone done this and survived? Or got lessons from how it went wrong for them?

2

I haven’t done it, but I still have some advice.

Those hunky young med students can also come with some hunky sized egos. if she loves you (and I think she does)-that shouldn’t be an issue. Think of all the funny convos you two can have, dissecting Mr Thinks He All That Jr Doctor etc.

IANAD, but I think med school has changed somewhat these days. Isn’t there a limit to how much time they can be on call etc?]
I think the best both of you can do is to remain patient, and kind to one another. Stop and listen to each other. You will have new stresses as you start your new job. She will have new stresses as she adjusts to her new schooling.

Both of you are still adjusting to your new roles as husband and wife. If I were you, I would institute some special noc or time, once a week, that is sacred for both of you. I dont’ care what you do with that time–but use it as a way to affirm your coupledom.

Good luck–it’s alot all at once.

3

Haven’t done it, either. I have a brother-in-law (BIL) whose wife is a resident, though, and ISTR that she had some of the same issues in med school as she does now.

You will have to come to terms with the fact that she won’t get much time off (at least they don’t here- I don’t know if it’s like that where you are, but I assume it is). She might have to work 6 days a week (my BIL’s wife does most weeks), and will have trouble getting time off at holidays to visit family or whatever you usually do. You and your family will have to be understanding about that- she’s not avoiding them on holidays or important family days because she doesn’t like them, she’s not visiting because she can’t get time off, and there really is nothing she can do about it, no matter how much she might want to. My BIL and his wife got married over Labor Day weekend, and ISTR she had some trouble ensuring that she’d have enough time off for the wedding and honeymoon.

As I understand it, most people in med school are too exhausted and stressed to even think of looking for an extramarital relationship.

You might have to lower your standards of cooking and housekeeping, especially for the chores she used to do. This is especially true if you’ll be working more hours than you are now.

If on-campus versus off-campus housing is anything like it is here, you’re likely to find a better place for less money off campus. I don’t know if med students typically go to a lot of parties.

One of the biggest changes for me, going from astrophysics grad school to a 9-5 job, was the lack of homework. Expect her to have to do homework or study for exams many or most evenings and weekends.

4

Make that to remain a patient. Save on accomodation costs, and get to spend some time with her, by developing a vague yet ominous set of symptoms, then move in to her hospital.

5

Think of it as making an investment in your mutual future. With your support she will become part of one of the most prestigious professions in the world. She will have a much harder time doing it alone. In addition not so many years down the line she will be able to easily afford to put you through the school/grad program of your choice without even hardly denting your lifestyle giving you the chance to do almost anything you might want to do with your life.

6

Not in med school but in vet school… and not in a relationship either, but I do want to tell you this:

The Student American Veterinary Medicine Association has a branch called the SAVMA Auxiliary, which is composed of husband, wives, and other relatives of the veterinary medicine students. They act as a support group, and they also do fundraising and activities to make our lives (the students) a bit more cheerful and easier… sometimes they have donuts and coffee for us during exam weeks, for example… sometimes they work in mixers… or they are involved in school activities… it’s a good organization, I like them.

I’m thinking the Student American Medical Association may have something similar, a support group for those close to the med students…

7

talk to her. not just now, but always. ask her about her day, whether it was good or bad, ect.
you are the one who loves her. you are the person who cares the most about her feelings, make sure she knows it. in her bones.

remember, you don’t run out for a burger, if you got filet at home.

8

Dr. J’s wife here. He’s not quite a year out of residency, so it’s all quite fresh in my mind. I won’t blow smoke up your ass–it ain’t gonna be fun or easy, but it won’t be the end of the world.

The first couple of years really aren’t that bad. They’re like a really busy semester of undergrad, where she’ll spend a lot of time studying, but she can do that at home so you still spend time together. Oh, and don’t worry about the male med students–yes, she’ll be spending a lot of time with them, but the whole lot of them will reek of formalin, which is NOT sexy. It’s the clinical years of school and the first year or so of residency that are the real bitches.

The workload doesn’t really go up during second two years of school, but a lot of it takes place at the hospital, so they’re home less. Since they change rotations every month or so, their schedule (and thus their sleep cycle) changes every month or so, too. The sleep cycle disruption is way, way worse than the actual time spent working because of the chronic exhaustion it causes. It’s not unusual for med students to descend into a certain amount of squalor at this point, because they just can’t find the time, energy, or motivation to clean. Sex and social lives tend to take a downturn for the same reasons. Depression isn’t unheard of at this point, either.

Actually, the second half of fourth year isn’t so bad. The make or break point has already passed, gradewise, the residency interviews are done, and the match lists are turned in. Most of them are coasting at this point. It’s a nice breather before the next big upheaval.

The first year of residency is rough, though. You’ll probably have moved cities again (we moved three states away), which is stressful. All the issues of the bad clinical rotations will be back, in spades. It was probably the single worst year of my life, and if I hadn’t known there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I don’t know that I could have stuck it out. But the workload decreased the last two years, and every day got us that much closer to being DONE.

And now…okay, so it’s 10pm and he’s still at the hospital, but it’s the first time that’s happened since we’ve been here. Usually he’s home by 5 or 6.

9

Cheers guys - some useful stuff there

I like the idea of setting aside “us” time every week - getting the TV off and putting the books away and just talking with each other. :slight_smile:

I’ve been doing most of the housework / cooking the last year anyway - the application process seems almost as tough as the regular course - but guess I’ll have to make sure I don’t use that to score points when we argue.

Maybe I’ll start planning my PhD now - then when she graduates I can head back to uni and rediscover the joys of the C18th deutsche Gedichte. :slight_smile:

I guess maybe I’ll try to read up a bit on the key aspects of her course, so at least I have a vague idea of what they’re all talking about in the pub…