I originally wrote this for the “Are you a moralist?” thread, but it sort of spiraled out of that thread’s scope. Here it is:
Like anything else, morality isn’t black-and-white, especially not for me. Sparks have been flying between myself and a coworker who’s engaged to someone else. There have been a couple of clear openings for me to make my move, particularly last night when she was about half a foot away from me on my couch watching Fight Club with me*, but each time I’ve gotten cold feet and pretended I only wanted to be a friend. I’m fighting hard with this whole thing. It seems wrong to butt in when he’s the one she’s chosen, but OTOH, what if it’s meant to be between us, and we miss out on it and she spends the rest of her life with a guy she regrets marrying? On the gripping hand, I’ve used that justification before; each time I did, three people got hurt (seemingly in turns), the other guy still ended up with the girl–except more complacent, having “won her back” once–and I ended up so emotionally crushed that I was a hermit for months. It seems like as soon as I finish one rotation of that cycle–meet a committed girl, steal her away, lose her, become a hermit, slowly gain my confidence back and return to normal life–I fall right back into it with another girl. It’s not like I don’t find uncommitted women attractive–I meet stunning ones all the time and try to make something happen, but I always crash and burn. I don’t get it. Universally, I can’t get a single unattached woman to notice I’m alive, ever–but there’s always a boyfriended/engaged/married woman in my life who’s either involved with me or wants to be. And it’s so much harder to say “no” when I can’t envision meeting an unattached girl who will be interested in me after she’s out of my life.
Is there something about me that makes me only attractive as a taboo? Do I have some need for taboo in my own love/sex life that keeps me from sending out pheromones to women who it’s “OK” to date or something? If I do, why am I expressing it subconsciously instead of going down to swinger clubs and having sex with dead transvestite animals or something? IOW, do I have some sort of yen for non-normative sex that I need to be more honest with myself about or something? Am I just in some phase? Is there something I can do to get out of this cycle and hit it off with a girl who can date me openly?
Hm. I don’t really have anything constructive to add, but I offer sympathy - I am currently in a similar situation, which I have posted about before in other threads. Long story short - I met a guy - sparks ensued. I found out he had a girlfriend, which immediately prompted me to back away. It was a matter of principle for me; I wasn’t going to try something with a guy in a relationship. I might’ve secretly hoped that he would be single soon, but I didn’t want it to happen because of anything I did. Then eventually he ended up making the first move, and now I’m entangled in a non-relationship where I’m deeply involved with a guy who has other obligations and apparently is still “conflicted” in regards to them (this thing has been going on for a few months now).
My friends tell me that I need to stop, that there are plenty of other guys out there that are unattached and much more deserving of me, but it’s hard to turn away from someone to whom you’re violently attracted to and who’s right there in favor of some hypothetical guy that might not even exist for all the good it’s doing me right now. I guess my situation is a bit different from yours since this is a first-time thing for me, and that I’m already involved (I gather nothing has actually happened yet between you and this co-worker). Plus he was the one that made the first move - I swear to God, I would never have initiated this on my own. I don’t mean this as an excuse for my behavior, because it was definitely my decision to get involved (and to stay involved, at this point) but it just seems so unfair - I was doing my best so we could stay friends, but when the person you’ve been lusting after kisses you and tells you that he’s been wanting to do that ever since he met you, it takes no little strength of mind to be able to say no.
But you’ve been hurt before, from what you say - why would you want to put yourself through that again? It might be different if she were the one initiating this, but if she’s “waiting” for you to make the first move, it seems like you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak again. I don’t know that there’s anything necessarily “wrong” with you; it could be just bad luck, you know. Life sucks; I have plenty of wonderful friends who’ve just met disaster after disaster when it comes to dating people. There comes a time that you just end up realizing that it’s not worth it and somehow find the patience/strength to stay away from relationships that promise as much angst as pleasure. (I haven’t found it yet, obviously, so make of that what you will.)
I’m sure people will be along with much more helpful advice, but just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, if that helps at all.
I’ve almost exclusively been romantically/sexually involved in this fashion. The vast majority of my sexual experience, anyway.
No, we haven’t even hugged.
That’s pretty much how it’s happened for me most of the time. And I half-consciously sort-of-justify the whole thing in my mind that way–that if I wait for her to make the first move, I’ll be off the hook.
Because I’ve been so lonely and I’ve had such a rough half a year since moving out–I was hurt badly by a similar situation and I’ve wasted so much time moping and feeling sorry for myself that it would just be so wonderful to feel that passion again. It’s like heroin to a junkie–when I crash all I can think about is the next peak and how much better I’ll feel. And when opportunity knocks it is maddening to say no. And it all seems so right sometimes–when she started the job I couldn’t keep my eyes off her, and after what you might call an informal poll I found out that I was the only one among four straight dudes and a lesbian who found her attractive. I guess at first I was justifying it to myself by saying that if I’m the only one (well, one of two, at least) who is wildly turned on by her and she’s apparently attracted to me, it must be fate. But now all I can think about is the horrible heartbreak I’ve suffered as the Other Guy before (when I’m not around her) and the heights of ecstatic infatuation I’ve enjoyed (when I am around her).
I’ve even wondered that sometimes. Do I secretly just want to get closer to the other man? Am I kidding myself by thinking I’m attracted to these women at all? This girl’s beau is a pretty good-looking dude too, but then again I couldn’t envision myself with the last girl’s guy even if I were gayer than showtunes. He’s a petty, scheming bastard with bad oral hygiene who treats her like shit and fakes injuries on my tax dollars to avoid getting deployed in Iraq (which is a bit of a sore point for me, and anyway speaks volumes about his integrity).
Edit: And, HazelNutCoffee, thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one. I know it’s cliche, but I really felt like I was. I mean, you hear about libertines shagging attached women out of sheer nihilism, but for a while I felt like I was the only one who was falling into the trap involuntarily.
