I moved to a new, decently-sized large town last summer, and since then, I’ve been on the prowl on various dating sites. I’m a grad student and I spend a lot of time in libraries; it’s comparatively difficult to meet new people, so online dating has worked out pretty well. Since moving here last August, I’ve dated two guys fairly seriously (for me, that means I had sex with them more than once…) and gone on multiple dates with a few more that didn’t work out, as well as a few unsuccessful first dates. Not bad for one year, I know. As a decently interesting mid-20s woman, I’m a pretty valuable commodity on a dating site.
The first guy I dated was sweet and I thought I wanted to continue dating him–then he broke up with me, and I realized I was deeply relieved. I didn’t realize it until we broke up, but I hadn’t really been interested in him–I just really wanted to be dating someone. The second guy I met in March, and fell head over heels for. Part of it was probably that I recently left Japan (where I had lived for three years) and returned to the States, and was feeling that reverse culture shock a bit–which in a deep nostalgia for my time in Japan, and he was born in Japan (and absolutely gorgeous, which didn’t hurt). He was also pretty flakey, and I had the “come to Jesus” talk with him, in which he admitted he didn’t like me all that much romantically, so we “broke up” (we’d only been “dating” a month or two). I then made the pretty foolish decision to continue seeing him as a friends with benefits type situation. After he came back from an extended business trip a few weeks ago, he didn’t contact me, and I haven’t heard from him since. So that didn’t work out so well. The way I felt then made me admit I had been a little bit in love with him.
I’ve tried dating other people, and since the dissolution of our friends with benefits situation I’ve gone on dates with three other people, but it’s just not clicking with anyone. I seem to have developed this pattern of falling in love with people who don’t like me very much. It’s not healthy, and I don’t like it. Since I started dating, I’ve only been in love with two people and both of them simply stopped talking to me one day. I realize two isn’t a pattern, but I feel like I need to look at myself and think about what I’m doing wrong here.
So yeah, I’ve decided to take a break from dating. It’s not like I’m giving up or anything–but I think I might de-activate my profile until summer is over. I went on a date last night, and I had fun, but the guy obviously wasn’t that into me, which is always a shitty feeling, and I just wondered: why am I doing this? What’s the point of just going on all these shallow dates and hooking up with these people for a few months? I’ve never had a “relationship” last more than 2 months, tops, and I really want something that lasts a while. I want to wake up with someone.
I know there are plenty of married people who might be envious of my freedom, but I want to at least try having a long-term relationship. I’m not talking about marriage or anything but just–something that lasts. Someone who loves me back. Regular sex. I’ve never had that. And I feel like I’m trying to hard, like I’m a little too desperate. I think I need to step back and reassess what I’m doing here.
So yes, I’ve decided! And I know this is very mundane and pointless stuff and a bit Dear Diary-ish, but what else is this forum for? I guess I just want someone else to know about this resolution.