I’m so tired of stealing toilets. I’ve stolen so many toilets, from so many people, and yet … somehow… I’m unsatisfied. I feel the husk of my once vaulting spirit whirling down into a vast, black emptiness of albino alligators and fluke men.
No one could be sadder than me, the anomic toilet thief.
Paris Hilton could be holding a gun to the ferret’s head, while he swims around in the vomit and poop filled toilet (jacking off, of course).
Or Paris Hilton could be holding a gun to your head, making you listen to her talk.
How’s this? I’m 25 years old. I’ve not had a date in 5 or so years, because I weigh 350 pounds (down from over 400) and no one will look at me. I am losing weight right now, but even when I’m done, I don’t think I’ll be much to look at – gay guys can be the worst when it comes to appearances. I’m entering the 7th year of school for my bachelor’s degree because of a depression that killed two years of my life. I’m over $30,000 in debt for school and for extraordinarily poor spending habits during that depression. I’ve worked the same retail job for 5 years, and I’ve actually started to like it and to be respected by my coworkers for it. This is following a stellar high school career in a promising magnet, with a future and a master’s degree planned out immediately after graduation from HS, so the let-down I’ve experienced over the past 7 years has been quite dramatic.
To top off everything, I’m going noticeably bald. At 25.
You could be this guy. The man takes six 3.5" nails from an air nailer in the back of the head. Whoopsy.
:eek: :eek: Ok, you win! :eek: :eek:
Paris Hilton could get the clap from your toilet seat.
Oh. Paris Hilton with the clap is no great imaginary leap…
Paris Hilton could steal your toilet seat and your ferret after getting you in the head with a nail gun 6 times.
You people scare me.
A toilet seat once bit my sister…
My sister once hit a masturbating ferret (that belonged to Paris Hilton) on the toilet seat in the head with a nail gun six times and right after that a crazed gunman broke in the house and stole the toilet.
Your crazed sister’s ferret broke into a gunman’s apartment, who at the time was masturbating to the Paris Hilton sex video while sitting on a stolen toilet, and shot him in the head six times with a nail gun.
If I was chosen to guess the motive, I’s say that gunman stole the sister’s toilet and the Ferret’s sex tape. What is the world coming to??? 
A crazed gunman’s sister broke into Paris Hilton’s apartment who at the time was masturbating to a ferret sex video that involved shooting another ferret in the head with a nail gun six times then going out and stealing toilets and stole her Cuisinart.
This entire thread is like one big “Band Name!” joke gone wrong. (I’m just amazed that the 1***’* S**** D**** R*** haven’t shown up yet…)
Well, if you really want to feel better, your problems are pretty small-time. Just wait until you have to decide “mortgage or food” and you’ll pine for the easy-going days of 19!
Ferret Snuff Films.
That’s disturbing.
Well…amongst all this misery, here’s some good News:
I’ve just saved a whole lot of money by switching my car insurance to Gieco 
I got my standard “it could be worse. . .” from the old TV show Picket Fences. On one of the episodes, the vet had to give a circus elephant an enema with a garden hose on the floor of her garage.
Things may be bad, but I’m not currently giving an elephant an enema with a garden hose on the floor of my garage.
A crazed gunman could break into your apartment, steal your toilet, bind you, make you eat an entire jar of pickled eggs, and then jack off a ferret into your face.
You could walk into your brother’s room to tell him dinner is ready, only to find him jerking off to pictures of you. :eek:
I’m going to be sick… Runs in direction of nearest toilet. Only to discover it has been stolen