When you first get into a very new relationship, what kinds of questions do you tend to ask?
I know that I’m infinitely curious about everything and it’s completely random and answers often lead to more questions.
Just a sample from the last brief affair:
What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Back, stomach or side?
Did you decorate this place yourself?
How come there is no art/pictures on the walls?
Tell me something about your past lovers/relationships…
What would you be doing right now if I wasn’t here?
Can I get you some water or anything?
Are you purring or are you hungry?
How long have you lived here?
Are you comfortable?
I love your bathroom, you’ve got more hair/body products there than Amphora. Just couldn’t decide on one line?
…etc… ad infinitum… until I’m told to shut up or sex ensues, again.
Similarly, I like for people to ask me questions in return. Kind of like a fun Q/A session. Particularly fun when it’s either very late or very early and we’re naked in bed.
I know the person is wrong for me when they can’t think of a thing to ask me. They may be content as house cat to just lie in my arms and snuggle but to not have one single curious thought in their head?.. Weird.
Hmm. Those questions seem to fall into two distinct groups. I would expect to know about somebody’s taste in art, interior design, food, etc through normal conversation well before the question of us being in a relationship, let alone sex, came up. I’m not very inquisitive, but I find it impossible to imagine being in love with somebody who I didn’t already know that well as a friend.
The second group of questions, about the - um - mechanics of the act, are admittedly important; although my answers would probably be along the lines of “Whatever makes you happiest, my darling.”
Maybe the person feels they know you already. Or maybe they think you’re boring?
Just kidding. Personally, I ask questions like that when I first meet someone, but soon after (*especially *after the sex has started) the comfort stage sets in and there is less need for the “interview” type questions and I crave deeper, more meaningful conversation (or yes, just contented snuggling). KWIM?
Also, it’s a two way street. The questions you list don’t really foster deep connections or meaningful conversation, IMO.
But come to think of it, I do think I will be guarded if I don’t know where the relationship stands or if I can’t figure out how the other person is feeling. I don’t tend to try to go deep unless I feel safe/secure and I feel the other person is emotionally accessible.
How about… “I got tired of all the art because I saw something in a gallery recently that made me rethink what I like.” And we can talk about what it was and make plans to go see the picture that moved them enough to take down their pics.
Or… “I’d be puttering or reading.” And we can talk about what they like to read, or what they are in the process of reading now.
Or… “I’ve lived here for 7 years.” And we can talk about which neighbours they know and perhaps there are stories about the creepy neighbour or nosy neighbour or really kind old lady across the way.
You don’t think that stories like that say something deep and important about the person you are getting involved with? I think it’s all about them and how they fit/view their world.
What goes deeper than that? Their views on abortion, politics and religion?
(N.B.: Not picking a fight… just wanting to understand what you mean.)
Yep. I’d expect to already know someone pretty darn well from normal conversation as a friend before I ever got to the romantic relationship/sex part.
And asking someone about their previous relationships is right out, too. If someone wants me to know, they’ll tell me without being asked. I would resent being grilled about it - that would be really squicky.
I do see your point but I just don’t think those simple, pointed questions actually indicate that you want to hear a story or are trying to get to know a person deeply. They sound like basic, interview-type questions to me. Small talk. Not that there’s anything wrong with small talk mind you, it’s just not how you get to a more intimate level, IME. Especially if you are already sleeping with that person. :eek:
For example, if someone asked me how long I lived at my current residence, I would answer, “Four years.” I might tack on a related comment but I wouldn’t keep blabbering about it unless the person seemed interested, as in, they actually made effort to continue the conversation. “Really, do you like it there?” “What are your neighbors like?” “Would you ever want to move? Where?” “Really, I used to have the craziest neighbor, he used to come home late at night in a scuba suit…”
IME, you can’t ask one simple question and then expect to get a motherlode of revealing info. A good conversation is like a tennis match, not a soliloquy.
What’s wrong with asking about previous relationships? It’s interesting and tells me a lot about the kind of person they are. I’m not asking them what their favourite sex positions were. Just curious about the kinds of people they are attracted to and what qualities they look for in a partner. Perhaps undertand how that’s changed over time. If a person doesn’t want to talk about that stuff, I change subjects and move on.
Waiting around until somebody voluteers information is far too sedate for me. I like to know as much as I can as quickly as they are willing to share it. I’m not a good mind reader.
Also, I tend to be curious about how a person is in bed almost immediately (accounting for chemistry, of course). Waiting around to see if they like Chagal more than Monet before sleeping with them is way too long for me.
I don’t consider it anyone else’s business. It felt like an assessment was being made of how much I ‘got around’ previously, and I didn’t need anyone making value judgements on me based on my history (I’m married now, so all this is past tense for me). It also takes me awhile to determine if I can trust someone not to blab personal stuff to other people who REALLY have no business knowing my personal life. I’ve got nothing to hide, but I really dislike meeting a friend-of-a-supposed-friend and finding out they know more about me than they have any business knowing.
Come to think of it, I’m really glad I did all my dating before the age of the Internet. I’d be really pissed off if someone posted personal stuff about me on a blog or message board for the whole world to read.
You just wanna get laid sooner rather than later - like every other guy on the planet!
There are almost no questions I don’t want to ask. I turn into an interrogator. Bright light in your face, jackboots, funny accent, suggestive questions about your muzzer. The whole nine. I like people who like to talk about themselves. The strong silent type is fine for things other than conversation, though.
Heck, I’m practically that curious about complete strangers. They just tend to alert the authorities if you ask if you can see what’s in their wallet (a favorite request of mine of friends and lovers).
I’m pretty sure that’s true for every guy on the planet, not *every other * guy.
And I know it’s prudent to make the assumption that personal stuff won’t stay personal for long if you blab it to every one you meet. I don’t like people who lay out their life story unprompted before they find out your last name. But I hope that I send out enough of a vibe of trust that my (potential) partner doesn’t have to worry about me posting their name and story on the web for all to see.
I believe that I’ll actually be in that new lover situation within a week or two, so your question is more relevant to me than it might otherwise have been.
I’m not a real verbal person. I may be very curious about lots of the things you mentioned, but an awful lot are going to sort themselves out on their own. And it will be fun to learn these things as we go, rather than just by talking.
As far as past relationships go, well, I’d rather err on the not too nosy side of that. I wouldn’t want to feel interrogated myself, so I won’t do it to someone else. Some men have found me strangely incurious, but I’ve learned that if they want me to know or it’s relevant, it will come up one way or another.
I guess I prefer to let things unfold in their own time rather than digging for information. It’s not that I don’t want to know, but I’m happier with a slower pace for finding out.
Okay. I just didn’t see how things like “Are you thirsty?” “Are you comfortable?” “Are you hungry?” “Do you sleep on your back?” “Nice shampoo selection” are supposed to lead to a great conversation or satisfy your infinite curiosity about a person.
And I agree with the other posters, I never would ask about the details of a previous relationship. Down the line, if the other person felt the need to share, that’s cool. Otherwise, I would never pry about that sort of stuff.
This sounds a little childish to me. Why not just have a conversation? I guess we all have different communication styles and ways of getting to know a person. But we can’t expect everyone to be exactly the same as we are.
I personally do not enjoy the “interview” style of getting to know someone. To me it feels rudimentary and forced. I also feel like I’m being nosy and annoying when I barrage people with questions. I prefer to just live life and spend time and talk about whatever and learn about someone that way. It just feels more natural to me.
Either way, it seems like an awfully harsh dealbreaker to have. Unless you are right and this person just wasn’t that interested in you in the first place.
You’re not using your imagination. Also, some questions are not meant to be deep. “Are you thirsty?” means just what it sounds like. I’ll get up and get a bottle of water. It’s just a considerate thing to do. Especially during an interrogation.
Who said anything about details? I don’t ask about details. I ask them about interesting (best/worst) relationships to date and why they became that. I don’t want names and gory details. Unless they want to provide them. I like people who have interesting stories and who can also tell them. Coy and wry doesn’t work for me.
I don’t know what passes for conversation but two way inquiries and stories are some of the best conversations I’ve ever had. I’ve never met anyone exactly the same as me. I have met many complete opposites with whom dialogue does end up forced, like trying to pull teeth.
I met my man over OKCupid, so a whole bunch of questions, the silly and the important, were already taken care of. Still, I keep finding out little things about him, and I hope I never stop learning.
I don’t sit him down and interview him, though. Usually it’ll be something we see or do together that’ll inspire a question, and then we run off on ridiculous tangents forever. Considering it’s a long-distance relationship, it’s a good thing we can talk for hours!
Personally, I ask questions like that when I first meet someone, but soon after (*especially *after the sex has started) the comfort stage sets in and there is less need for the “interview” type questions and I crave deeper, more meaningful conversation (or yes, just contented snuggling). KWIM?